Why? Why replace dying groans in John Wick with Michael Jackson vocals? Why the fuck not. The Empire is crumbling, the Planet is melting. Let’s enjoy some fucking levity.

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Uh.

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This cab driver in Brazil is more Michael Jackson than Michael Jackson. I have no input for this post except AWESOME.

Via Slashfilm:

Three weeks prior to its October 28th release, Michael Jackson’s This Is It is now one of the MovieTickets.com Top-25 Advance Ticket Sellers of All-Time, bumping The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring from the Number 25 slot. At the same point in the sales cycle, Michael Jackson’s This Is It is on the heels of Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds, the highest grossing concert film of all-time.

I’ll stop complaining about people worshiping a child-molesting monster when people stop worshiping a child-molesting monster. That goes for you too, Polanski!

Seriously, what the fuck is going on? Is Child Molesting the New Black? Someone grab their binoculars and let’s go hunt some playgrounds. If you’re not nose deep in Smurf underwear, you’re a lamer!

The way everyone is going nuts about Kanye West you’d think he was caught molesting children.

Oh wait.

We don’t lash into child molesters, now do we? Well, I mean we do. But not ones that didn’t make a significant contribution to the pop industry, molest countless boys and bribe their parents, and perform surgery after surgery on themselves until they look like an unrecognizable monster from my dreams.

I’ve found the past week to be generally disappointing for a humanity I don’t have much faith in already. The pervasiveness of Kanyegate is staggering. It’s everywhere. Twitter updates. Facebook status updates. On the news. On the radio.

Who the fuck cares. Why the fuck cares! Who the fuck cares?

I find it particularly saddening that a dude crashes the stage of a shitty pop infomercial and it brings hell down upon him. Of course he acted like a goddamn schmuck. Is that really debatable? He apologizes a day later and it ain’t good enough. No way. No how.

Why?

Because you’re being told you’re supposed to be outraged. It’s a convenient little bit of fast-food pop-news to keep the fat docile populace from really thinking about anything worth fucking mentioning.

Then there’s Michael Jackson. A man commits a laundry list of sex crimes against little boys and he’s lauded as Pop Jesus. The way people cried and cried and oh-my-gosh-I-can’t-believe-he-died sentiment that was vomited across the walls of media was disgusting.

What the fuck is going on here? How is it that a guy who crashed the gate of a Shit Castle becomes a public enemy, while another pop-star can get away from having children fondle his nipples.

It’s insanity in motion.

People’s memories have become so tailored by the exertion of the media it’s absurd. Newscast after newscast told everyone, you’re supposed to be sad, Michael died! Oh my gosh Michael died! No, not Michael! The world’s only lost a child-molesting pill-popper! How are we ever going to cope? Who is going to cure AIDS? Who is going to solve cancer? Who is going to create the ultimate renewable energy?

More importantly, who is going to be a sexual threat to our children?

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Pop Quiz!

What’s cooler than a pedophilic, child-sperm swilling Michael Jackson!

A pedophilic, child-sperm swilling ZOMBIE Michael Jackson that commands an army of Black Lanterns! That’s right, Michael Jackson is the head bad guy behind DC’s Blackest Night! I don’t know how I missed this before, I mean, it’s pretty obvious. The guy died so close to the release of Dc’s hit mini-series, it couldn’t have been coincidental, right? I mean, this is cross-marketing genius!

I have to apologize for ruining any potential spoilers. I mean, this isn’t confirmed yet. I’ve just been doing some detective work myself, and well…I mean, come on, it’s obvious. The dude has looked like a zombie for years, anyone who has read anything about him knows he’s pure fucking evil, it’s just so obvious. I mean, I pride myself on my degree in Literature, I should have been able to see the foreshadowing sooner.

But now that I’ve figured it out? Pure genius. Bravo, Dan Didio. I take back all those mean things I said. You win this round.