One of the things I dug the fuck out of in Knights of the Old Republic was the fact that the more of a motherfucker you were, the more it showed on your physical appearance. It made sense, since back then it was thought that the Dark Side rotted you the fuck out and made you look like a god damn leper. Mind you, this was before George Lucas was all like:

Oh hey guise, guess wut! You know how you thought that the Dark Side was responsible for Palpatine’s look? Psych! It’s actually lame ass lightning reflection caused by Jules from Pulp Fiction! I fucking shit on your established canon! Muwahahaha, and also, guess what! Boba Fett is an annoying little shit, and also a clone. I’m high on meth! I’m a mole-looking douchebag!

Anyways.

So, I was pretty stoked that Bioware brought back the whole “the more of a douchebag you are, the worse you look” thing for Mass Effect 2. The rationale is all, well, you see, Shepard was dead, and they didn’t have time to finish resurrecting her. (Or him.) So uh, the worse you are, the more your fissures crack and your bionics show.

Huh?

Wut?

It doesn’t matter.

On my second playthrough, I pledged to be the biggest piece of shit bad ass the galaxy had ever seen. No man, I ain’t healing you with my medigel! That shit is precious! Yes, assassin I caught in a warehouse, I am stomach-punching you out a fucking window! I’m Shepard! I seen some shit!

And it’s pretty cool. I mean, look at me. I’m a fucking demon. No wonder that’s why no one will sleep with me. Even though I’m like, hey, I saved the galaxy, I saved your ass, now let me tap it. Who doesn’t like seeing physical representations of their behavior? It’s neat, and been echoed in a ton of games like Fable and the such.

So I’m glad that they brought it back, so I can look like the possessed demon rapist that I am in this playthrough. Beware the red eyes of Shepard, if she’s looking at your butt, gender or species be damned, she’s snagging it!

Here’s the truth, one of my favorite activities in Mass Effect 2 is trying to get into the pants of Yeoman Chambers. She’s the adorable little brunette deckhand who is always telling me when I have messages at my terminal. As well, she always seems to find a reason to be slightly bent over her own computer, inviting the inevitable stare at her bum.

It’s nice.

Nice.

Through one and a half playthroughs of the game, I ain’t had sex with no one. Eerily, this game echoes the majority of my real life. When I first stepped aboard the Normany, I was DTF, man. Down. To. Fuck. I was macking on everyone like I was going to die tomorrow. I was dropping all sorts of sexy cavalier poems in the hopes of getting everyone to see just how fleeting this beautiful life was. We ain’t got time for jibber-jabber, we gotta fuck! I’m poetical, fuck!

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying:
And this same flower that smiles to-day
To-morrow will be dying.

Carpe diem? I need to carpe that ass!

I think I overplayed my hand, though. I rolled up aboard the Normandy, and I was practically dry-humping the FTL console. Krogans, quarians, men, women, tentacles, it didn’t matter. I wanted that shit. And for that, I will pay the ultimate consequence; Kelly Chambers, obviously of a high quality of virtue and not to be a pawn, won’t talk to me no moh’.

MOTHERFRAKER.

Now? Now I’m stuck probably hate-fucking Jacob. Yeah, I’m playing as a chick, what of it? I’m typical, man. I’m just a dude, who secretly wishes he was a lesbian. I’m like, you know, the other zillion fanboys out there. Jacob’s a nice guy and all, but he really doesn’t do anything for me. Maybe because he looks like Kanye West, or maybe because he’s a void of emotion. Listen, Jacob. I know I hit the town like a fucking gangbuster, and I was practically salivating at the crotch bulge of your super-space-suit, but fuck man, I need to snuggle with whoever I’m tappin’. I know if I settle down with you for some fluid-sloshing, you’re just going to be back in the armory in like ten minutes.

I AM NOT AN OBJECT. Well, I might be, but that’s not all I am.

I’m not going to be complete until I finally consummate my thang with Yeoman Chambers. I don’t care how many playthroughs it takes. I’ll reform. I’ll stop trying to get Thane to meet me in the women’s restroom. Honest. I promise. Because you’re special, Kelly. The rest of those humans, aliens, and artificial lifeforms I’ve been trying to fuck? They’ve just been there to try and take you off my mind.

Xoxo.

It isn’t so much that I’m completely enamored with Zooey Deschanel, so much as the fact that when I look at her, her Indie Chick Goddess-ness burns a feeling of deep lack of worth in my soul. I want to write witty articles for a fansize to show her, and maybe pretend to listen to crappy bands who write about esoteric things and love. As opposed to my crappy esoteric bands that write about vikings and death.

Monday Morning Commute. Every Monday I’m going to detail the various things I’m either currently or will be watching, reading, playing, and listening to in the next seven days. It’s Monday. You’ve got a long week of school, work, or compulsive masturbation to get through. Tell me the arts that you’re indulging in, to stave off suicide

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Bioware geeks, rejoice in the resplendent glory of the Mass Effect 2 launch trailer. What happens in it? I don’t fucking know! I try to keep my exposure to everything ME2-relate to a minimum. Having lost my virginity at the age of thirty-nine, that’s right, twelve years in the future, I know a thing or two about waiting. But for those of you gluttons for awesome, check it out.

I’m guessing it’ll make you squirt the fluid happy.

Oh you go ahead and brood, John Shepard. I’ve read what sort of shit becomes of you in the opening stages of Mass Effect 2. And thankfully, I’m going to be rocking out with you soon enough. How have you been since our last encounter? I’ve been seeing Mass Effect 2 commercials, and even though they suck, they’ve been whipping me up into a froth.

One fucking week until Mass Effect 2 comes out. Sludging through the original game again has got me excited, and not just for the story but also for the improvements. Like a lot of shit in life, including that chick you hooked up with in a drunken fury, Mass Effect pales significantly when you see her for a second time. Or a third time. But you keep lovin’ her, ’cause she got something special about her.

…Yeah, I have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about anymore.

I’m on a Diet Mountain Dew binge, writing up a fucking storm and hoping to get a chance to cap my characters in the first Mass Effect. There’s a sexy list of bonuses you get for importing that shit. I’m currently level 56, six days to go. Lords of Caffeine and Insomnia, don’t fail me now.

Via Kotaku:

As seen outside the subway station one stop past Kotaku’s NYC office

Amidst the smell of piss and homeless person, awesome emerges in the form of Mass Effect 2 wall ads.

Ohhhhh, shiznit. Check this fly ass shit out. If there’s one thing that really bummed me out about the original Mass Effect – besides the barren worlds, and three-hour story mission, it was that Bioware really never came through on their promise of dope DLC that bridged the gap between the original and its sequel. There was a throwaway simulation piece of garbage, and Bring Down the Sky which was a shitty mission that could have been included in the game and I wouldn’t have known better.

Well, it appears my boys at “The Ware” are coming god damn correct for their new installment.

Via Destructoid:

In a recent conversation with GTTV (via TVGB), Mass Effect 2 project director Casey Hudson revealed that most of the ME2 team would switch to working on ME2 downloadable content after the completion of the core game. And don’t expect just huge expansion packs — the game will support a range of different content unlike the first ME.“As part of trying to build the game, as ambitious as it was, one of the things we weren’t able to do technically was to have the support in the game itself for certain kinds of downloadable content,” Hudson said, speaking to the first Mass Effect and its hang-ups.

Hell yeah! It’s getting some good god damn support. I like how they’re all learning and shit. They’re talking about bringing new characters, new campaigns, and other shit to the DLC for ME2. Let’s be optimistic and assume this is building on top of an already ballin’ retail release.

I also love the fact that Hudson realizes that Bring Down the Sky fucking sucked:

What we found was that the content we could produce with a small team in a short time just wasn’t up to the standards we wanted to produce for DLC,” she continued in response to our question. “We were able to produce more uncharted-world level content in a reasonable time, and that’s what we originally envisioned ‘Bring Down The Sky’ as being, but in an early project review we just didn’t feel that it was measuring up to what we wanted from DLC.

This is all terribly fantastic to me.

Ah, to write continuously without thinking much about the words you’re puking onto the inter-pagez. Occasionally you contradict yourself. A lot. I like to pretend that I’m not a slut for pre-order swag, or collector’s editions. But then one of my cum magnets – you know, movies, video games, or books that draws the semen from my penis like venom from a wound – shows me their super ballin’ fresh fly collector’s edition. And I jizm. Behold the MASS EFFECT 2 SUPAR COLLECTOR’S EDITION.

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Anyone who knows me knows that I have an unhealthy love for Mass Effect. Despite it’s seven-thousand flaws, I fell madly in love with it. I’m a sucker for space-operas, and this one wanked me off to the point of exhaustion. I’ve been anticipating its sequel since the original release, and now I finally have a date to look forward to.

Via Kotaku:

The epic space RPG continues on January 26th in North America, with Europe joining the fray three days later on the 29th. Along with the release date announcement, EA has revealed preorder bonus equipment available via download code once the game hits store shelves.

January 26th, 2009. With a kind kiss to Far Too Understanding Girlfriend’s forehead, six twelve-packs of the Diet Mountain Dew, and an adult diaper strapped to my crotch, I will submerge into the mancave. I better tackle all the shit on my syllabuses a bit beforehand, because I plan on playing this game until I pass out in my own mess. Then I will wake up, and do it again.

There’s a few things that are frequently rocketing around the anticipatory portions of my brain. Bayonetta, Final Fantasy XIII and…Mass Effect 2. Apparently, Mass Effect 2 is going to be the “Empire Strikes Back” of the series. Which really isn’t, you know, news at all. Isn’t every sequel something that aspires to be the ESB of the series?   BioWare co-founder Greg Zeschuk comments:

Via IGN:

“If you recall, Empire Strikes Back was the darker chapter and that is how we designed the ME2 story and experience: to try and make the player reflect on the challenges of the character. If you put ME2 next to the original it is definitely a darker, harder game.”

It makes sense. I don’t really have anything else to say about it. I’m just a whore for anything Mass Effect 2. Mass Effect 2’s obvious correlation to ESB, Mass Effect’s money-grab with unique armor, Mass Effect fanfiction featuring Shepard and Wrex intercourse? I’m there, there, there.