I’m, I’m pretty much done with superhero comic books. I say pretty much because if anything comes out of the box and is generally regarded as “must read” by folks I respect, I’m going to buy it. Ain’t gonna cut my fanboy nose to spite my fat fanboy face. But as far as the monthly procurement policy? Passing. This isn’t a moral stand, or even a condemnation of the titles, just a general apathy from me. This is a long way of saying that I’m not really feeling the Marvel NOW! 2.0 line-up in either way, but I hope it fucking rocks, and gets me to buy me some superhero funny books.

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First typical liberal Anarchist response to U.S.Avengers? What is this typical jingoistic garbage? But then I saw Red Hulk rocking sunglasses and a serious amounts of ammo across his chest. I was sold. Like, seriously. What an odd ball group of heroes, what an odd ball idea.

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As I write this, it is very early morning, and the world is quiet.  The day’s caffeine long worn off, the exhilaration of the Breaking Bad marathon I’ve been in the middle off is the only thing that keeps me up this late.  Oh, and this column.  For those of you not in the know, this is the virtual campfire we comic-ingesting fangirls and boys gather round, debating and discussing, ranking and rating the best and brightest funnybooks to come out each week.  What has got you jazzed for Wednesday (the comic-nerd’s Holy day)?  Has DC’s Villain-palooza got you frothing?  Has the Marvel Event-festival torn your psyche and wallet in twain?  Have no clue what the fudgsicle even comes out this week???  Hit the jump and have all these questions answered, and more!

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One of the great things about comics is the medium’s penchant for reinterpretation and reinvention.  An endless catalogue of characters, fictitious and real, lie dormant in old books and film, waiting for another chance to tell their story.  Hit the jump and let’s discuss a few of those appearing in comics this week, and I PROMISE I won’t make another crappy Die Hard reference!

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What do you do when you don’t own the movie rights to half of your properties? If you’re Marvel, you begin pushing other, lesser kown titles. Not a knock against these new titles, but yeah. What do you do when need to perpetually hype your company? You fall into ruinous marketing stupidity like taking a dumb name “Marvel NOW”, making it more dumb “All-New Marvel NOW”, then generally fuck with numbering.

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Hey, kids!  So it’s Wednesday, and I assume we’ve all calmed down after flipping our collective shits from the pop-culture orgy/last-train-to-nowhere that is the VMAs.  I’m old, and pop music gets me all kinds of jaded, but the VMAs still managed to teach me a lesson:  America THRIVES on nostalgia, even nostalgia that isn’t even 20 years old (see the above pic).  I, myself, am currently gushing over an “event” book that, when boiled down to its essentials, is nothing more than a comic scientifically engineered to tickle my 12-year-old pickle.  Thanos is my Justin Timberlake.  N’Sync are my Infinity Gems.  Comic books, particularly superhero ones, are every bit as nostalgic and regressive as the boy-bands and teen vixens of pop music.  So while I scoff at the proles going batshit over 10 year old hooks sang by grown men with receding hair lines trying their damndest to recreate moves no thirtysomething should have to attempt (looking at you Fat One), I massage my own nostalgia-boner to pretty pictures of ageless Avengers saddling up for one last ride into the aether in a story not quite called Infinity Gauntlet 2:  The Soich For More Money, but may as well be.

Say my name!  “Hypocrite.”  You’re goddamned right.

So hit the jump and let’s get nostalgic, shall we?

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Yo, yo, yo!  Since Breaking Bad has started back up, I find myself only talking in Jesse-isms.  Not such a crippling affliction, but I may call one, or all of you, bitches.  I offer an apology in advance.  But that’s not why you all are here.  You’re here for this week’s batch of comics, funnybooks, trade paperbacks, graphic novles, and other sorts of expensive nonsense that tickles us in our respective bathing suit areas.  Or maybe just our brains.  I still wear a swim cap, so I can count that as both.  Hit the jump and let’s discuss!

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I’m a liar.  A dirty, rotten scoundrel!  A nerf-herder of the highest proportion.  To find out why, hit the jump and let’s talk this week’s funnybooks!

“What the hell is Señor Hotsauce on about this week?” is the question pursed on everyone’s lips.  Or, it should be.

Simple.

I’ve been seeing my “ex” behind OL’s back.  In fact, I never left my ex.  I know I told you guys we could come here and talk comics in lieu of  going mobile and hitting up your local comic shop, but I just couldn’t stay away.  I love my comic shop, but I dig you guys, too!   So, if you’ll still have me, I’m gonna try and spread that love (and opinions on my favorite books this week) at both joints, and I urge you to do the same!  Sally-fucking-forth, comic nerds!

In fact, do me a favor and give a shout out to your LCS.  They deserve the attention.  Comic Book University in Greenwood, IN is where I hang my pull list.  Good folks who keep the new releases well stocked and the snark to a loving 11.  (Also:  ComiXology has a “virtual store” for participating joints, so that they, too, can get in on the digital-age action.  So make sure you ask your LCS if they’re involved.  It sends some coin their way and is at no additional cost to you, the consumer.)

Enough with the handjobbery!  What’s poppin’ off today?

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Welcome to Buy These F**king Comics!, the column where all of us goobers get together and share the funny books we’re interested in buying in a given week. There is nothing so magical as hitting the shelves on Hump Day and snagging some comics to drag our wayward asses through the final two days of drudgery. Except maybe winning the PowerBall. That seems really magical. Plus, if I won it I wouldn’t have to scrape gum-covered quarters off the inside of trash cans to buy my comic books. Shit, that sounds pretty neat. Okay, so buying comic books is second in the line of majestic happenings. But it’s a close race. So, uh. Yeah. Again, welcome to the column. If I don’t mention your favorite weekly drop, let me know it in the comments section. If you are one of those booger-eating maestros who is too busy attempting to calculate the enormity of the Multiverse to know what is coming out this week, hit up Comic List. It’ll do you good.

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Out of the darkness emerges a hero! It ain’t me. That hero comes along, smashes me in the gullet, and drags my corpse into the creak whilst I scream. What I can do is welcome you back to Buy These Frakin’ Comics! It’s been over a month since I saddled up to this column and shared the juicy pink comic bits I want to be snagging on a given Wednesday. Better yet? It’s been over two months since I actually snagged the funnies off a rack. Busy, man. Jaded, woman. I return today, hoping to double down on some PMA and ride the sequential artwork once more. In this here column we gather round, scratching dander out of our cracks while sharing the comic books we’re buying. Don’t see your fave rag in my list? Good. Audience participation is crucial, and I’m always looking for new finds.

Not sure what is coming out? Hit up Comic List.

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