#March2014
‘FARGO’ TV Trailer: Bilbo’s Seen Better Days
Yeah, this trailer was posted a serious fucking minute ago. Whoops! But it’s froggy fresh, and I’m totally excited for this here series. So I’m posting it. Let’s chat about it! Grab your coffee, take off your pants, and let’s gab.
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Monday Morning Commute: Neon Light, Black Coffee, & Red Blood
With a fresh Pepsi in hand, Absalom took a deep breath and began his tale.
“We’d been tryin’ to get home for ages, and we were all in rough shape. Beat-up. Hungover. Outta gas. And hungry, to boot! There wasn’t no way we’d be able to travel through the night. So I had to call in a favor to woman I’d’ve rather not ever seen again.”
“Waitta second,” interjected the Pie-Eyed intern, sole audience member of this performance, “whereyou says you comed from? Why’s you away inna furs-place?”
“Ah, yes. It’s a long story. But in short, this guy I knew – friend-of-a-friend sort of thing – was all sorts of salty `bout his ex-girlfriend bein’ with another man. So, he assembled a crew to travel `cross a bunch of states and win her back. With nothin’ to do but sit around drinkin’ beers and readin’ science fiction, I volunteered for what I’d assumed would be a grand adventure.”
“Wuzzit?”
“You’re goddamned right it was! I don’t think I’ll ever see nothin’ more glorious than a midnight fist-fight in a donut shop – everything blurrin’ together in a wash of neon light and black coffee and red blood!”
Absalom seized a moment to swish cola across his gums and crack his knuckles, like hitting the reset button on a broken-bodied Storyteller Machine. He flagged down the bartender and re-upped Pie-Eyed’s drink.
“Phanks man, but I dunno if I needa ‘nother.”
“Kid, it ain’t `bout need! Hell, ain’t no needs bein’ met in this entire bar! This place is `bout the Tapioca Populace foolin’ themselves into believin’ that they can even conjure up the notion of danger or excitement or novelty! So drink your drink!”
Pie-Eyed obeyed and Absalom continued.
“So anyways, after spillin’ teeth in the donut shop we attracted some attention, so we had to scram. Hightailin’ it out, we got ourselves into all sorts of trouble. Drinkin’ and fornicatin’ and fightin’. Glorious! But before y’knew it, a three-day drive had mutated into two weeks. Two goddamn weeks.”
“Thazz,” Pie-Eyed slurred and sipped and slurred, “thazz crazy. Whattya do?”
“Well, with the gas-gauge on E, the backseat-keg on its last pint, and the paper absent from our wallets, I decided to rely on the generosity of Susy.”
“Who’s Susy?”
“Susy,” Absalom paused to take a rip of Pepsi and stare into the middle distance, “Susy’s a goddamn witch.”
—-
Come one, come all! This here’s the MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE! What’s that, you ask? Well, once a week Spaceship OL has to touch down on a nearby moon or satellite-weigh station for refueling purposes. During this time, I share the upcoming itinerary with the crew, detailing the means by which I’ll be navigating our rusty pop-culture mind-vessel through the Omniverse. After sharing my plans, the floor is opened up and everyone is encouraged to share their prospective space-maps.
In other words, we nerd out about the various ways we’ll be entertaining ourselves.
Let’s do the damn thing!
‘SHERLOCK’ Season 3 Trailer: Smugness returns from the dead
Hey, it’s Benjamin Cucumbersnatch and Martin Freedman! They’re back to solve the case of how Sherman came back from the dead to fix his cuffs and act like a smug prick yet again!
(I can’t wait.)
MARTIN FREEMAN starring in ‘FARGO’ TV SERIES
Good news, Sherlockians! It appears that Benjamin Cumberbund isn’t going to be the only member of the show who is hideously over-exposed. Dildo Ballbaggins himself is going to be all over our telly in the Fargo small-screen adaptation. Me? I’m pretty excited for the endeavor, my snark put aside.
‘SHERLOCK’ SERIES 3 TEASER TRAILER: We’ve got Mustache, folks. MUSTACHE.
I don’t really know what *is* and *is not* considered a spoiler regarding the finale of Sherlock’s second series. So Imma step around that. Instead, I’m going to draw your attention to the lovely fucking mustache Watson is pimping in this teaser for the third series.
‘THE HOBBIT: DESOLATION OF SUCCINCT PLOT’ GETS FIRST POSTER.
Hey, it’s the poster for the second installment of Peter Jackson’s bloated, self-satisfied interpretation of The Hobbit starring Watson. Yawn. Oh yeah, trailer on Tuesday!
New ‘THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY’ poster is partying like it is 2001.
Peter Jackson is getting his thematic harmony on. Or someone in the marketing department. Whatever the case, the new poster for The Hobbit: Part 1 of 17 has dropped, and it is reminiscent of the LOTR posters of yore. Like a long time ago. Or a decade. Eleven years? Something.
‘THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY’ TRAILER: Maybe this *will* rule.
Watch the trailer, leave your comments in the box below. You know the drill.
‘THE HOBBIT’ Has A New Batch Of Photos: Bilbo Looks Haggard Like Wut
Have you gotten over the reports that The Hobbit looks like a tunnel of dog dick in 48fps? If so, mow on some of these new pictures from Peter “No serious I can do something good besides LOTR okay maybe not” Jackson’s return to Middle Erf.
NEW IMAGE: ‘The Hobbit’ Has Watson In A Dwarf Gangbang. Sort Of.
Want a totally wizard new image from The Hobbit: Subtitling Subtitles Subtitle Time?
Hit the jump!
