#December2016
‘Transformers: The Last Knight’ Trailer: This Is Still A Franchise
The Transformers movies are objectively awful. They also make a real, real lot of money. So, I shouldn’t be surprised there is a fifth one coming down the road. This trailer looks no better and no worse than any of the other Transformers trailers. Take that as you will.
No Comments
‘TRANSFORMERS 4: AGE OF EXTINCTION’ Trailer: Optimus Rolls Dino Deep
Just Optimus Prime and Marky Mark. Hanging out. Broing out. Drinking beers and talking about fatherhood. Fighting robots. Facing extinction. Discussing humanity’s potential. Totally not tonally all over the place. W/E, I’m there. Day One. Chemically altered, ready to giggle.
MARKY MARK WAHLBERG sort of wants to play IRON MAN after RDJ.
Disclaimer: I actually like Marky Mark. You know, when he is playing one of his beefcake bimbo roles. But as the lead in Iron Man? Thinking about it. My testes ascend into my throat, and not shortly after I vomit them out into my martini. I still drink said martini, of course.
THE ROCK starring in HBO SERIES produced by Marky Mark. SO MUCH F**KING BRO.
There is so much goddamn bro going on in this post. The Rock starring in a fucking television show that is being produced by Marky Mark. So many protein shakes. So many reps on the bench.
‘PAIN & GAIN’ Red Band Trailer: LIFT WEIGHTS, ROB BANKS.
If you can’t get down with this raging homoerotic thriller starring two stalwart bros, god save your soul! However, if you can’t get down with this heist flick starring THREE MILLION GRAMS OF PROTEIN MADE MUSCLE, then even the Lord Almighty is powerless to carry you towards salvation. (Can you tell I want to see this movie?)
THE FIGHTER: Christian Bale, Crack Pipes & Title Fights
Before he became the junior welterweight champion, Micky Ward (Mark Wahlberg) had to fight his magnificently dysfunctional family. His mother and manager, Alice (Melissa Leo), seemed to only book him mismatched fights that led to an ass whooping. Dicky (Christian Bale), his half-brother and trainer, is a motor-mouthed crackhead who used to be the “pride of Lowell, MA.” Once upon a time he went toe-to-toe with Sugar Ray Leonard and managed to knock him down. Micky also has six sisters that echo his mother from the sidelines like an ugly and unwelcome Greek chorus. This is his family. When outside forces tell Micky that his family is holding him back and retarding his dreams, Micky’s only reply is “It’s my family!”
His attitude begins to change when he falls for a potty-mouthed barmaid named Charlene (Amy Adams) who suggests finding a new trainer; someone who isn’t high 24/7 and can actually spar. After about an hour of family infighting, actual training, and exceptional Boston accents, Micky gets his title shot. And the crowd rejoiced.
It’s the tried and true formula of an underdog boxing movie: the fighter has to overcome something out of the ring before he can dominate within it. David O. Russell‘s The Fighter, based on Ward’s true story, really never strays from this worn path, although there’s a few factors that keep it from feeling too played out. The acting is terrific across the board, except for Bale who is downright amazing. And the fights are shot like an actual televised event — ESPN style. They even used that specific film stock for the bouts.
I love Wahlberg and he’s great as Micky, but he takes a backseat to the other actors in The Fighter. Not because he puts in a sub-par performance, I just think that Micky was that kind of dude. He would stay quiet and do his best to shrug off his shitty family. Melissa Leo (Frozen River) turn out an intense performance as the territorial mother who doesn’t want some “slutty, MTV girl” moving in on her son. As said slut, Amy Adams busts out of the image I’ve had of her since Enchanted. She plays a hardboiled Boston chick with ease. But Bale. Whoa. He’s a chameleon once again and delivers the most moving junkie performance since Bubbles. He also serves as the main source of comic relief. A-yuk.
In the end, the awesome performances don’t save The Fighter from being a mediocre boxing movie with not that much going on. Wait for it on Netflix.
Bonus: Enjoy the “Not You” viral video above!
This review originally appeared on the Mishka Bloglin. Patrick reviews movies on there under the nom de plume Oh Mars.
Christian Bale & Marky Mark Belt Out ‘The Touch’ From Boogie Nights & More!
Here’s a scientific fact you probably don’t know: Marky Mark is clinically awesome in Boogie Nights. And one of the best moments of the movie is when he begins belting out ‘The Touch’. Apparently that shit is from Transformers. Never knew. Do you want a video of him belting it out? How about Christian Bale singing the theme to the Powerpuff Girls? In the same video? Well here you go. I’m sorry for blowing up your asshole with awesome.
It’s worth it.
