How much does Mario fucking eat? How much does that fat fucking plumber gorge himself on, day to day? It was a question posed to me by ‘Bones a couple of days ago. I was playing some Super Mario Galaxy 2, and he came down into the Dungeon to give a “What’s Up?” and generally panic about one of his students finding him on Facebook.

During the course of watching my manipulate Mario into roughly three-thousand leaping jumps, backflips, and running something like nineteen miles, the thought struck him: how much does this guy eat? I mean, consider how much running around and general exercise gets! It’s ridiculous. All that bullshit, and he’s still got a gut that makes you go “God damn!” And it’s not like he’s just benching the bar, either. Dude is capable of flinging Zillion Ton Lizards into the air like it ain’t no thang.

So what’s up, Mario?

The guy has to be on some sort of linebacker diet. You know, twelve-thousand calorie wunderkind daily ingestions. He’s the only guy I know that can scale perilous death obstacle courses, and still have to sit down to tie his shoelaces. It’s okay though Mario, big is beautiful.