As I laid awake in bed last night, I contemplated the insane amount of time I have dedicated towards writing about, talking about, and thinking about LOST this year. From beginning in January by writing an article a day for an entire month, to taking screen captures relentlessly to provide you with retarded facial expressions, to writing absurdly long recaps of every episode of this season, I have been all LOST, all the time.

Last night, I watched what I feel is the worst episode of LOST. Ever. Worse than Nikki and Paulo. And I’ll tell you why. Nikki and Paulo were a couple of terrible characters that in the long run, didn’t do anything other than waste our time. Last night, Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse bent over, and took a big bloody shit on the entire mythos of LOST.

Not only did they show us the midichlorians like I feared, they then decided to explain the midichlorians’ midichlorians. They spent an hour needlessly explaining things that would have been perfectly fine unexplained. And in doing all of this explaining, they created a universe of utter ridiculousness beyond the scope of ridiculousness in which LOST already exists. They took muddled concepts that were cool because they were never explained, and made them insensibly more complicated and lame.

So lame.

What an absurd world of convenience they built last night. Let’s see Jacob and Smokey are twins? Really? How heavy-handed and retarded is that? And in case you missed it, the dichotomy that separates the two of them, after immediately being shit out of some woman we’ve never met before, they’re wrapped in blankets of white and black. Just in case you couldn’t put it together. That’s what is wrong with LOST this season, an inexplicable drive to replace all of their vaporous bullshit that stemmed from sloppy writing with hard line answers that stem from sloppy writing. They have crossed the chasm, switching from one extreme to the other.

After shitting out the unexpected MiB, the Mom comments that she only had “one name” and yeah, we never get MiB’s true name. It’s amazing that with all the awful demystification we’re given in this episode, we can’t get the guy’s lame fucking name.

Amazing.

Amazing! That’s the one detail they skimp on.

At some point in the episode the Step-Mom from Juno takes Smokey and Jacob to the Glowing Vagina at the center of the Island. This is what they’ve been protecting the entire time.

Wait, what?

I thought the entire point of the Island was to prevent evil from getting out. And now it’s to prevent people from taking the light? As well, what the fuck is this, the Lion King? I mean, there’s some “light” inside of every single human being? Jesus fucking Christ, what is happening to this show? This sort of drippy, tear-soaked dogshit love bullcrap that I can’t even conceive of someone writing. Let alone Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse, who have ushered me through some of my favorite television ever.

MiB decides he’s not cool anymore and he wants to leave the Island. Now we know he’s been a whiny bitch since forever, but that’s okay because Jacob is a weepy Momma’s boy. He goes to live with the people on the Island, and they figure a way to get off of the Island. Somehow it has to do with electromagnetic currents and shit. And then the show really just begins fucking farting and shitting inside of its underwear. Oh my God Jesus fucking Lord help me.

The annoying bitch Mom goes down and we see MiB making the fucking donkey wheel. The fucking donkey wheel. Ready for this? Somehow, the fucking PRIMITIVES on the Island, have figured out that like, there’s light or something.

Wait, what?

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How much do you need to know about LOST to feel fulfilled? I ask you this question. Tomorrow night we’re getting an episode tots dedicated to Jacob and MiB, and I’m worried. Why? I’m worried because I don’t need to know their entire backstory. I really don’t. In fact, I think I would prefer if they left parts of it in the dark. Seriously.

I don’t need to know about the midichlorians.

Do you?

Listen, I’m totally cool if we’re given an episode where we see Jacob and Smokey’s intellectual duel throughout the decades. Centuries even. They’ve shown in the teasers what appears to be little Jacob and MiB running around all snotty-nosed and covered in grime. And that’s cool.

But there’s a difference between demystifying a character and showing character interactions, you know? I don’t need to know specifically how long MiB and Jacob have been on the Island. I don’t even need to know literally what Smokey is, or how he got there. I don’t know, am I the only one?

I don’t need to know about the midichlorians.

I’ll give the writers some credit. They’ve pulled off two enormous reveals to my satisfaction. They’ve told me what Smokey was, and what the purpose of the Island is, and I’ve loved both of those reveals. So why am I being so pessimistic? Perhaps I’d love the backstory between the two of them.

I could!

I really could.

But I don’t know, something about having to put the pieces together myself seems more interesting. LOST has always straddled the line, or uh, is it lines between a) telling us nothing b) telling us too much c) telling us enough to figure it out ourselves. It’s like the television equivalent of the Four Corners or some shit.

But I don’t need to know how Smokey got to the Island, I don’t even need to know how many bodies he’s taken the form of, or if he was ever truly human. I say let that shit sulk in the dark, away complete exposition.

I don’t need to know about the midichlorians.

Where do you stand?

Ohhh shit! How do you feel about the LOST finale getting another half an hour? I feel fucking fantastic!

via slashfilm:

Tonight it was revealed that ABC has agreed to extend Lost’s series finale by an extra half hour. The final episode will air on Sunday, May 23rd 2010, from 9:00pm to 11:30pm. The overrun will push back the local news, and the previously announced “Jimmy Kimmel Live: Aloha to Lost” post-finale special will now air at 12:05 a.m. ABC will also be airing a two-hour retrospective on the series titled “Lost: The Final Journey” before the finale.

I’ve accused the LOST writers of dragging their feet this season. And yet, I’m happy they’ve been granted this extra half an hour to tell their story. Sure maybe they fucked up, wasted too many episodes. Or maybe they’re painfully deliberate and I don’t enjoy it. What I do know is that I’m glad they’re being given this extra time to tell the story they want to.

Also —-

I can’t believe this shit is really over soon. Sad face. Tears in eyes.

A couple of people have mentioned that I didn’t talk about Lapidus in this week’s LOST recap. It’s honestly my bad. When you’re shitting out 1,400 words, sometimes you get a little LOST in the woods. LAWL.

Seriously though, he’s the fucking man. And forget Sayid’s death, if Lapidus died last night, the dude was done a serious disservice. One moment he’s kicking ass, the next moment he’s getting blasted with a door and then there’s no mention of him. He’s a sexy old bastard, and I while I liked him most with shit-stains on his wife-beater, I appreciated his skeevy 1970’s flight attendant look just as much.

If you think Lapidus can’t survive a sinking ship, you’re short-changing him! He’s alive. Probably straight chillin’ in the Foot. Mackin’ on mackerel.

Oh shit! And away, we, go! You know that shit means fucking business on a show when they kill off like thirty-percent of the main cast in one episode. They call it “Last Season-itis”, and it’s typically something I enjoy. There are certain restrictions relaxed for mainstream television during a final season. You can do all sorts of bonkers crazy shit like kill people, or uh, introduce Flash-Sideways, or have Billy Adama puke all over himself in a gutter. Maybe that’s what is so exciting about the final season of LOST, or any other television show: you have no idea what the fuck they’ll do.

At all!

Sure, you can say that every show should do whatever they want whenever they want, but c’mon! Let’s be practical.

Okay, I’m not going to stunt. The death of Jin and Sun got me a little emotional. I was transfixed, yo! My friend Tommy was staring at me as I watched the scene, because apparently I was making retarded faces and had bulging eyes. I can’t help it, I’m a romantic, yo!

Even though I don’t care about the two characters: it got to me.

Even though it was overwrought: it got to me.

Even though once they started speaking the dialogue was terrible as usual: it got to me.

I think it resonated on a certain level because I felt the dilemma of watching the person you love the most in the world drown to death. Like, what do you do when you’re watching your husband or wife drown to death? Can you leave them? Would you leave them?!

Who fucking knows!

Man, it sort of bummed me out. After the episode I was sitting there with Tommy and his Better Half and I was like “OH man! What the fuck would you do! I mean, I know that they had a kid, and it was probably smart for Jin to have left, but can you leave your drowning wife?! Can you! Can you?! I mean, I don’t know what I would do!”

I really don’t.

So it worked. Fuck you LOST writers, you got to me. All I wanted to do after the episode was go over my girlfriend’s house, and creepily whisper in her ear as she slept “never put yourself in the position to drown to death as I watch.”

I wonder what sort of dreams that would give her.

Anyways.

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I can’t tell if I love Damon Lindelof, or if I find him incredibly smug and self-satisfied. I think it’s probably a little of both. So when he drops shit like:

via slashfilm:

If you’re expecting Lost to end with definitive answers think again. The Hollywood Reporter conducted an interview with Lost co-creator-showrunner Damon Lindelof, who revealed that the series finale will “end lost in a way that feels ‘Lost’-ian and fair and will generate a tremendous amount of theorizing.

I can’t tell if I love it, or if I’m annoyed. Lindelof, listen brother. I love you, I love LOST. But this season has been a Shit Hill with diamonds scattered amongst the partially digested corn kernels. So cut the shit, stop acting like you’re the man, and so help me, please don’t blow it. You have five episodes left.

I’m find with theorizing. I’m find with mysteries and unexplained phenomenology. See: Final Fantasy VII [prior to the movie], Battlestar Galactica, and The Beginning of The Cosmos.

What I’m not cool with is Transdimensional Love-Based Denouements, Sappy Heavy-Handed Exposition, and Kate, Sun, Jin, and Claire.

And David Shephard.

I was relieved that there wasn’t any LOST this week. All of my friends, from the Rocking Tommy to Patrick Mars expressed the same relief and satisfaction that I felt. It was nice. So I’m going to kick it to you guys, what’d you do on your night off from LOST this week?

Me? I hung out with my lady. Got home from school, macked on some delicious dinner she cooked (she’s far too good for me, don’t tell her), hung out and watched some sports, zoning out. I returned home, and hit the scholarly articles with a vengenance. I didn’t seethe or grasp my skull in agony or despair.

I may be at the point where I’m ready to call this season a disappointment. Now listen. I think that the show can ultimately rock. The next five episodes can blow my fucking mind. But when 50% of the season has been blegh.com, isn’t that ultimately considered a disappointment? Or do you consider an amazing conclusion a salve for all the chapped-asses that have arisen from Transdimensional Lovecore and other bullshit? I’m actually not sure where I stand on that one.

The week off is probably good for my tolerance of the show as a whole. I actually miss it at this point, despite the last episode pushing my blood pressure to precarious levels. I’m ready to give it a pass if next week brings the heat.

What’d you guys do this Tuesday night? Are you ready for next week’s episode? Does disappointment come from the majority of the episodes being ass, or does it come from it concluding in an unsatisfying manner.

Just because there wasn’t any LOST don’t mean we can’t get some conversation going.

[p.s: watch flashfoward]

Alright, I really think that Flashforward is LOST for mouth-breathers. It’s as subtle as one of my classroom farts, and it has some awful acting.

That said?

That said.

It’s pretty fucking enjoyable. And not only does it have the requisite half-baked mushy science to back up its sci-fi, it’s got some amusing literary references too. Last week saw a reference to The Garden of Forking Paths, a well known short story. And it’s also Pepsibones’ manifesto. No, seriously. Ask him. It’s like, the progenitor of all the hypertextuality Pepsibones will babble about, and to see it referenced in Flashforward made my balls tingle a little bit.

It also doesn’t hurt that the guy who dropped the phrase, Dyson Frost, went under the alias of D. Gibbons, a nod to the penciler of Watchmen.

Flashforward is junk food, but it’s satisfying, and has references for nerds like me. Plus? No Kate. Or Sun. Or Jin. Or Transdimensional Love.

Just saying.

[click for entire screencap]

This is completely and utterly from my friend Tommy Rock. He’s awesome, and this is interesting to me. I also hope it’s proof that I continue to love this show with an unflagging passion, despite it continuing to storm into the house during dinner, slap my face, and then flip the plate of mashed potatoes onto the floor screaming they’re cold and need more milk:

via the rocking tommy:

Remember that shit I said about Jack’s neck being cut in “LA X” and used that as evidence that whatever happened to split the timelines hasn’t actually happened yet? Well, check out this homoerotic screencap I took after Jack and MiB almost got smoked (HAR HAR HAR) by one of Widmore’s explosions. Cut neck, just like in… “LA X”.

For the record, I’m not any less pissed or bitter.

I’ve been so blind with rage lately, I really haven’t stopped to consider the mysteries or puzzles. Maybe I need to rewatch these shitbombs after the rage dies down and actually look for stuff. Or maybe they could just not suck and stop sending me into insanity.

Oh no.

Oh nooooooo.

What the fuck is this giggly shitfest that has besmirched one of my favorite shows of all time? Or uh, what could have been one of my favorite shows of all time. There was a silly, dastardly period of my life when I was concerned that LOST could usurp my previous binky for favorite show of all time. I’d have to do deep soul-searching and come to the recognition that LOST was simply superior, and therefore I would have to accept it as my number one viewing experience.

Thankfully, Damon Lindelof, Carlton Cuse, and whatever sort of sugary assholes they’ve holed up in the conference room while barfing out these last few episodes have taken that worry away from me.

I’ll always love you, Billy Adama. I’m sorry I ever thought I’d have to leave you.

Do you guys know how fucking powerful love is? Yeah, well guess what, you’re about to find out! Christ, it has all sorts of magical powers. Maybe the Island is just a big consummation of Zeus’ love for Hera or some shit. Fuck the Island man, love is totally going to save the day. I mean, check it out, it solves aphasia!

Oh, no. I hope those of you who thought that Sun’s inability to speak the English language was some sort of awesome plot-point could settle for her reunion with Jin.

I was actually feeling Sun and Jin’s reunion. Don’t mistake me for some scabby, jaded asshole. I’m actually a weepy mess. I cry every time I hear Aeris’ theme, every time I watch the Lion King, and sometimes while marveling at the ineffable complexity and beauty of the universe.

Do you know what I do when Jin and Sun embrace? I get a little tingle. Do you know what I do when Lapidus comments after Sun talks that it “Looks like someone got their voice back”? I puke all over myself while clutching my skull with both hands and hope I’m in some Transdimensional Universe where the writers from LOST have been replaced by Lifetime Movie Special assholes.

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