As I laid awake in bed last night, I contemplated the insane amount of time I have dedicated towards writing about, talking about, and thinking about LOST this year. From beginning in January by writing an article a day for an entire month, to taking screen captures relentlessly to provide you with retarded facial expressions, to writing absurdly long recaps of every episode of this season, I have been all LOST, all the time.

Last night, I watched what I feel is the worst episode of LOST. Ever. Worse than Nikki and Paulo. And I’ll tell you why. Nikki and Paulo were a couple of terrible characters that in the long run, didn’t do anything other than waste our time. Last night, Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse bent over, and took a big bloody shit on the entire mythos of LOST.

Not only did they show us the midichlorians like I feared, they then decided to explain the midichlorians’ midichlorians. They spent an hour needlessly explaining things that would have been perfectly fine unexplained. And in doing all of this explaining, they created a universe of utter ridiculousness beyond the scope of ridiculousness in which LOST already exists. They took muddled concepts that were cool because they were never explained, and made them insensibly more complicated and lame.

So lame.

What an absurd world of convenience they built last night. Let’s see Jacob and Smokey are twins? Really? How heavy-handed and retarded is that? And in case you missed it, the dichotomy that separates the two of them, after immediately being shit out of some woman we’ve never met before, they’re wrapped in blankets of white and black. Just in case you couldn’t put it together. That’s what is wrong with LOST this season, an inexplicable drive to replace all of their vaporous bullshit that stemmed from sloppy writing with hard line answers that stem from sloppy writing. They have crossed the chasm, switching from one extreme to the other.

After shitting out the unexpected MiB, the Mom comments that she only had “one name” and yeah, we never get MiB’s true name. It’s amazing that with all the awful demystification we’re given in this episode, we can’t get the guy’s lame fucking name.

Amazing.

Amazing! That’s the one detail they skimp on.

At some point in the episode the Step-Mom from Juno takes Smokey and Jacob to the Glowing Vagina at the center of the Island. This is what they’ve been protecting the entire time.

Wait, what?

I thought the entire point of the Island was to prevent evil from getting out. And now it’s to prevent people from taking the light? As well, what the fuck is this, the Lion King? I mean, there’s some “light” inside of every single human being? Jesus fucking Christ, what is happening to this show? This sort of drippy, tear-soaked dogshit love bullcrap that I can’t even conceive of someone writing. Let alone Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse, who have ushered me through some of my favorite television ever.

MiB decides he’s not cool anymore and he wants to leave the Island. Now we know he’s been a whiny bitch since forever, but that’s okay because Jacob is a weepy Momma’s boy. He goes to live with the people on the Island, and they figure a way to get off of the Island. Somehow it has to do with electromagnetic currents and shit. And then the show really just begins fucking farting and shitting inside of its underwear. Oh my God Jesus fucking Lord help me.

The annoying bitch Mom goes down and we see MiB making the fucking donkey wheel. The fucking donkey wheel. Ready for this? Somehow, the fucking PRIMITIVES on the Island, have figured out that like, there’s light or something.

Wait, what?

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