I feel like fucking Joey on Dawson’s Creek. I have these two beautiful lovers pining for my existence. They cry to me, for my gamer ovaries! They want me oh so badly. And I love them, I love them both.

Modern Warfare 2 and World of Warcraft.

I thought I had moved on from Dawson…fuck, I mean WoW. I thought I was done. We had spent some good time together, don’t get me wrong. Years and years had passed while we grew closer together. But eventually, yeah, eventually I had gotten pretty fucking bored. Everything was the same, everything was boring.

My interest with Dawsoncraft plummeted right around the beginning of the Fall. The newest dungeon Trial of the Crusading Warrior Champion or whatever came out and it was fucking boring. BORING. It was a room. Just a room. Filled with dumb bosses. Seriously, I mean, that’s it? I’m a lady, god dammit! I expect to be treated with dignity! Warcraft had taken me for granted, and I swore I was over him.

It wasn’t the first time I thought I was done with Warcraft. There had been ebbs and flows in our relationship. I mean, that’s how every relationship is, right? Boredom gives way to violent sex, gives way to fun nights watching Spielberg movies, gives way to an enjoyable comfortableness. But this time, I swore to myself, the boredom was different. It seemed more final. I was done.

And then there was Modern Warfare 2. So edgy. So totally sexy. Sort of like how Pacey in Dawson’s Creek. Pacey fucked his English teacher! How fucking awesome was that? Totally awesome. Especially since when I watched the show back as a freshmen in high school, I had the hottest English teacher ever. Little did I know, at the age of fourteen, I wouldn’t lose my virginity for another ten years. Holy shit! Anyways.

Modern Warfare 2 came along, and I was like, this is it, I’m sold. It was so much more accessible. Unlike Dawsoncraft, who insisted on having me on a tight schedule, I could fool around with Modern Warfare 2 like I wanted. What if I wanted a quick fling during the day? Done. Totally cool. What if I wanted to romp around in the middle of the night? Also awesome. No more of Warcraft’s neediness. No more having to show up at a certain time, to perform a certain task. So needy! So needy!

And I mean, things began getting serious pretty quickly. Modern Warfare and I were together like totally all the time. Time just flew by when I had him in my hands. We’d stay up late together, screaming obscenities and shooting people! True fucking love! I mean, is there anything more romantic than sticking someone with a semtex grenade and then giggling as their organs are liquified? I don’t think so. Do you?

And so I thought I was done man, I had found my new love. Weeks passed, and Warcraft creeped further into the back of my mind. Forgotten. Stuck next to old books I could barely remember, horrific memories of girlfriends with enormous pubic bushes, and the list of times I had shit myself. I kept playing Modern Warfare 2, certain it was the newest gaming addiction in my life.

And then I saw her. WoW came out with version 3.3, and I couldn’t help but bask in the eyes of the Icecrown Citadel. Well then! This sort of changed everything. Despite still playing Modern Warfare 2, I still had this new longing for the old days, for the lost love who had improved themselves and wanted me back.

I TRIED TO SHUT IT OUT AS HARD AS I COULD. But then last night? I came. I came back. And I came again. I just couldn’t handle it anymore. As much as I hated to say it, I needed Warcraft. I wanted Warcraft. I couldn’t leave Warcraft.

But now I’m stuck! I’m fucking stuck. I know they’d totally be pissed if they knew I had feelings for the other, but I can’t deny the way I feel! And it’s going to be too tiring. Logging off of Modern Warfare 2 to steal some hours of WoW, only to sneak back onto Xbox Live later that night and having Modern Warfare ask me where I’ve been. I can’t lie to either of them. Their faces are so innocent, so beautiful. And yet, I can’t choose either.

What’s the answer?! What do I do?!

Three-way.

Double-gaming penetration.

Why didn’t Joey every think of this?!