Don your goggles! Prepare your stave of dismemberment! Summon your courage.   As I type this, it’s Thursday night. I have my lucky underwear affixed to sticky nerd crotch. I have soda en masse at my side. This is Press Start! My guide to the five things that caught my attention in gaming this week. Imma level with you chaps and do-gooders. This week’s gaming news can be broken down into two categories: fetid bullshit pertaining to Microsoft Kinect, and the Supreme Court case currently being held regarding video games. However!, I promise you turd consumers five. So I will deliver. But if you find them particularly weak sauce, I have a special place in my sticky nerd panties for you.

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#1: Microsoft Launches Kinect, Dickheads And Assholes Rejoice
That ass clown bench pressing his solid stick of plastic shit is Peter Gonzales. I know this, because Kotaku knows this. No matter how much of a valuable contributor to the community he is, or donor to good will he is, or sterling husband he is, Gonzales is a douchebag. I’m sorry Pete. You’re probably a great guy.

But you’re a douche.

Peter waited in line for two days to get his Microsoft Kinect. That’s amazing. You want to know why? ‘Cause I was at Target today, and they had them stacked up by the register. I’m not even fucking fronting. So for all your fist-pumping, and your assuredly stank ass wafting through the store as you cheered, and those retarded clerks clapping, it was for nothing. You waited two days to buy a piece of shit that they’re probably stocking at your local Walgreens.

Maybe they clapped when the first dude stapled his ball bag to a plank of wood and then tried to snowboard with it. I don’t fucking know.

Kinect dropped, and I still waver between hating it, and finding it a neat, overly-expensive bit of techo-wankery. Actually I hate it, but I find myself vaguely drawn to it. It all works out in the end though, because of all the people I despise on Spaceship Earth, I loathe myself the most.

Get ready for an onslaught of clapping vapid monkey men and women on Good Morning Today USA Show, as they gesture wildly pretending to pet a tiger or throw a volleyball or some shit. Awkward middle class white people are going to eat this shit up. Pretend to care about playing it at parties while they try and discuss post-colonial literature, which they also don’t care about. Dancing like goons, while hoping the wine will take hold of everyone, and they can start slapping grimy genitals on the overly expensive oriental rug.

Fuck Microsoft Kinect.

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#2: Even Madden 11 Knows Donovan McNabb Is An Out of Shape, Pukey Suck-Ass
If you follow football, one thing should be apparent to you. Despite being cute, and able to sling a football really well, Donovan McNabb is overrated, and barfs up all over himself in big games. Like, no, literally. Do a Google Search. He did it at Syracuse, he did in the regular season, and he did it in the Superbowl. And his running of a two-minute drill is astonishing. He just sort of pukes as he walks, while flinging errant pass after errant pass. By the way, McNabb, thanks for blowing it. I still wear my greasy Patriots championship t-shirt, years of sweat caked into the armpits, years of semen caked into the fabric near the tummy area.

For some reason, Mike Shanahan didn’t know this when he traded for Donovan over the summer. But he realizes it now. Oh boy, does he. On Sunday, McNabb was pulled with two minutes left for the inestimably untalented Rex Grossman. What follow was a stunning display of bullshit reasons by Shanahan, the most decided of which was that McNabb’s got shit cardiovascular.

The best part? With the next roster update, Madden 11 is dropping McNabb’s stamina from a 95 to an 87. I don’t play Madden, nor do I give a fuck, but I still find it amazing.

Apparently the drop is almost inconsequential, but it’s great that shit talking and a coach’s comments can effect a dude’s video game attributes. Tough luck, Pukey McVomitsalot.

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#3: Star Wars Goes Augmented Reality In iPhone Game
Augmented reality is radical, yo. Like, really radical. Vertigore Games realized this, and they channeled that incontrovertible truth into a fucking dope game coming out for the iPhone. Star Wars: Falcon Gunner works through the phone’s camera, projecting tie fighters onto a cityscape of your choice. It’s so basic, yet so incredibly dope.

Augmented reality! When the fuck am I going to be able to look through lenses built into my ocular parts and see a projection of Princess Leia getting down with Jabba the Hut? And upon manipulating the images in front of me, the force feedback electrodes strapped to my crotch will get convincingly erotic feedback. The future is coming, Jesus Christ, it’s already here.

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Remember when I commented on Oprah Winfery giving away Xbox 360s and Kinects to everyone in her audience last week? Remember when I said that the women were roused into retarded level of hysteria after Oprah was like “yo, mindless automatons, be fucking excited!” Well, the Oprah Winfrey juggernaut cannot be fucking stopped. Not only are her audiences base, empty women, but the people watching at home are just as susceptible to Ms. Winfrey’s suggestive powers.

Since being spotlighted on her show, Kinect pre-orders have jumped 42% on Amazon. Good lord.

That’s fucking stellar. Nothing like the Voice of Vacancy rousing into her followers a sense of OMFG, OPRAH SEZ IS COOL, I BUY. I could be jumping to conclusions, maybe the correlation is maybe coincidence. Doubtful. I wish Oprah told everyone in her audience that double-pronged dildos and anal nitrate was awesome. The idea of house wives eagerly awaiting boxes of sex toys is awesome. C’mon Oprah! It’s your last season. Use your influence to inspire some freak in the ordinary lady.

We know it was coming. We had heard the rumblings that Microsoft’s retarded Kinect was going to cost $150. That’s one-hundred and fifty Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers, but now it’s official.

via kotaku:

Microsoft’s Kinect add-on for the Xbox 360 will be $150 and come with a copy of Kinect Adventures when the motion controller hits stores in November, the company said today. Kinect games will sell for $50 each.

Oh goody! The Kinect games – which are tantamount to pantomiming like an asshole, will be ten bucks less than regular 360 games. That’s still fifty Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers to look like a tool.*

*Yes, I’ll still probably be buying this piece of shit. As always, I am part of the problem.

Boom! Hell yeah, fuck you Microsoft! That’s essentially what Square Enix president Yoichi Wada is saying. Dude is droppin’ verbal landmines at the feet of all those goofy ass douchebags dancing in the Microsoft Kinect promos:

via destructoid:

“I missed Microsoft’s conference. Having said that, I think that what they have focused on for Kinect is very interesting and I hope they will attract an even wider audience,” Wada states. “I would say it is no different from just the Wii.“

Oh shit! Volleys served! Bombs away! I want to give this dude a bro-hug and a bottle of Diet Mountain Dew. Chilled, of course. We can be tots buddies for life.

[pixelation | weekly gaming column every wednesday]

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If I twist my body with the Kinect, the ladies dance. If I tilt my body with the Kinect, the cars swerve. If I give the Kinect the finger, will it also tell me to go fuck myself?

Do you know what’s easier than voice activating something? Pushing a button. Do you know what’s easier than flipping through menus with your hands? Pushing a button. Do you know what’s easier than motion controls? Finger controls.

The thing I like(d) about video games was that they used to let me escape my flabby, flaccid body. I didn’t have to be aware of the extra weight I carried in my arms, and I didn’t have to be aware of my jowls when I banked around a corner in Crazy Taxi.

I was a fat teenager, and video games were escape. Hopping and shaking and tilting and whirling, all these actions draw me out of the immersive environment. They make me all too aware of my shitty, stinky, corporeal shell. My fat meat husk, the thing which I am trying to escape.

With video games I’m trying to travel to worlds all too far away. All too unreal. All too beautiful to exist within this world. I’m trying to travel to places where aliens are real, mushrooms make you grow, and space exploration isn’t a pipe dream for lead feet mouthbreathers

I’m trying to escape. Not pivot and perform ballet.

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If you’re like me, and you think that while Natal/Kinect is visually another sexy object, it is lame as fuck, the name sucks, and you generally abhor the direction of motion controls, then you’re going to love the Microsoft tagline. Or barf everywhere, laughing at the misdirection.

Tagline:

No barriers.
No boundaries.
No gadgets.
No gizmos.
No learning curves.

With Kinect,
you are the controller.

Really? Holy fucking shit. Fantastic. Reminds me of something out of Max Barry’s Syrup.

Hey dickheads! Now you can know the official name for the shitty, Minority Report-esque motion controls that Microsoft is rolling out! Project Natal? Naw man, that shit is fucking lame. Microsoft’s motion controls shall now be dubbed “Kinect!”

FUCKING RIGHTEOUS. I love make believe spellings and X-Treme names! From the company that brought you the XBOX, comes KINECT. So grab your family of fucking invalids, and begin karate chopping and kung-fuing and pretending you’re driving a a race car like a fucking asshole in peace! You’re ready to KINECT with other fat slobby people not resembling the eerily grinning couples and families that every fucking console company trots out when promoting their motion controls.

ETHNICALLY DIVERSE FAMILY FUN THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE DROOLING AT DANCING WITH THE STARS.

MICROSOFT KINECT!

FUCK YOU!