#June2011
Recap: The Microsoft E3 Conference In One Post.
Let’s recap the entire Microsoft Xbox conference in one post. A potpourri of the news dropped in one tight package. Or in other words: like two cool games and fourteen Kinect-related things I don’t give a fuck about.
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‘Mass Effect 3’ To Be “Better With Kinect.” Crap Pies.
NeoGaf user Lakitu found Mass Effect 3 artwork on the EA store, and the poor box cover was singed deep down into its soul with a phrase that makes me want to vomit. “Better with Kinect Sensor.”
No!
No, no, no!
Hulk Hogan Is Getting His Own Kinect Game. Now It All Makes Sense.
With the passing of Macho Man last week, it’s good to see that another childhood icon of mine is carrying on. Ye old leather-skinned Hulk Hogan, whose ticker somehow refuses to quit. Hogan isn’t just still among the living, he’s also still the master of whoring his own Existence turned Brand. Thanks to him and the geniuses at Majesco, we’ll be getting a Hulk Hogan game for the Kinect.
Now the peripheral makes perfect sense.
Kinect Hacked To Create ‘Eye of Sauron’ For The Office.
Some enterprising people went ahead and created an ‘Eye of Sauron’ using Microsoft Kinect, WPF, and openni. The result is a creepy fucking eye that can track people walking by, promising death and gloom to everyone it catches within its gaze.
Hit the jump to check out the video.
Prof. Uses Kinect To Aid In $4 Mil. Research Into Mental Disorders.
Goddamn, Kinect is fucking everywhere. I love how it’s been co-opted by countless people with unique ideas that have nothing to do with kicking an invisible volleyball. I change my mind, Kinect doesn’t suck. It’s actually fucking awesome. Latest example? It’s been used to cut down the cost of research into childhood mental disorders.
Press Start!: Drinking With Video Games and Drug Binges.
Prepare thyself for the newest iteration of Press Start! The column where I puke up the top five things in the gaming world that caught my eye this week. It’s a democratic column, I want your input. Hit the comments box with your findings. True Believers! Gaming scientists!
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#1: Drunken NES: A Breathalyzer and 8-Bit Game In One.
This is one of those concoctions that fucking staggers me. It sends me into a spiralling moment of quasi-stoner amazement. Someone had to think up this brilliant piece of minutiae. Imagine this, if you can. Enterprising video game mechanical programming wizards had a dream. Their dream was simple. First, they had to make a breathalyzer out of an original Nintendo Entertainment System cartridge. No small task! I have it on good authority many a modern day Prometheus has been felled by such a challenge.
Then, they had to craft a video game for the original Nintendo Entertainment System – yes I’m typing it out to be awkward – that could interface with this creation. By blowing your disgusting Oats and Hops stink-rot-gut-breath into the cartridge, the game would then calculate the level of your drunken stupor and rate your inebriated ass in 8-Bit glory.
It’s fucking radical.
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#2: Uncharted 3’s Villainess Revealed; Wrinkled Old Hottie.
Fuck yeah I like my gaming occasionally in the form of a megaton zillion-dollar production value big blockbuster. Fuck yeah! You disagree. Oh okay! You go have fun shaving in Heavy Rain or playing Limbo and waxing intellectual about how it’s totally ambient and deconstructs the medium and blah, blah, blah. I’m fucking amplified for Uncharted 3. Boom. Can’t wait. I say deliver me from boring fetch quests! I say deliver me from conversation wheels. Just for a bit. Throw me into the comforting bosom of gaming entertainment excess.
And in relation to this excess, this week Naughty Dog revealed the villainess behind Nathan Drake’s woes. Meet Katherine Marlowe. She’s a bit of a hottie for an older women, isn’t she? She’s voiced by Elizabeth Hurley, but she gets me tingling like Helen Mirren. Some cavernous old cleavage and wields power to boot. Is it November 1, yet?
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#3: Microsoft Sells A Shitload of Kinects; Gets Punked.
It was an up and down week for our buddy Billy Gates’ company. Though I have to say their good news far outweighs the little bit of hacking righteousness that they were subjected to. You see, when you can lay claim to having the fastest selling electronic device ever, I’m sure everything glows.
This week it was announced that the Microsoft Kinect has sold ten million units. As well, Microsoft has moved ten million Kinect games. Wrap that shit around your brain-piece for a second. Since its release on November 4, 2010 it has averaged 133,333 units sold a day. Fastest device ever. More than your Apple iPhone, iPad, iMac, iThing, iMinimalist Swag.
However, it wasn’t all fucking roses for Microsoft this week! No sir. Hackers cracked the algorithm that generated the seemingly random numbers on the back of MS Points cards. You know, those cards you buy so you can spend the equivalent of $5 on a lightsaber for your avatar. Or so you can download that fucking shitty Dead Space 2 DLC (not that I’m bitter).
Being the benevolent hackers that they were, they used this algorithm to generate over 1 million dollars worth of points. Fantastic! It was short-lived as Microsoft said they killed all those points generated, but still, man! Lock that shit down, Microsoft! I paid good fucking money for my Mass Effect M7 t-shirt for my avatar. No fucking freebies!
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Microsoft: 10 Million Kinects Sold, 10 Million Kinect Games Sold. Evil Cackle.
The Microsoft Kinect is the Juggernaut, bitch! Oh shit, old school internet shoutout! Seriously though. Microsoft has announced that they have sold 10 fucking million Kinects as well as 10 fucking million Kinect games. That’s a lot of Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers.
Microsoft Hiring People To Work On Next Console; 720 Get!
Say what you will about all the motion bullshit gadgetry that has been birthed out of the bleeding anus where gaming ingenuity used to be. It’s prolonged the generation. That kids, is a fucking good thing. However, everything comes to an end. This generation’s cycle is no exception, and Microsoft has begun hiring engineers to work on their next Box.
Kinect Hacked To Create Superman VR Simulator. A Man Can Fly!
Throw a fucking rock! If you don’t hit your nana, a small child, an animal, or a building, you’ll probably hit a fucking Kinect hack. They’re like, totally blasé at this point. Not this one though. Three dudes at the University of Amsterdam got together and hacked the Kinect to make a fucking Superman VR simulator. Hell yeah. That’s right. The dudes with fucking stunning names – Daniel Karavolos, Sicco van Sas, and Maarten van der Velden – just upped the game.
You throw on some fucking goggles, and control Superman with your body gestures. Tapping the VR goggles in according spots will trigger Heat Vision and Frost Breath. It’s dope as fuck.
Hit the jump to check it out in motion.
Kinect Hack Helps Perform Surgery. Awesome.
Welcome to the fucking future. When the Kinect came out, I blathered on and on about how its most amazing features would be found outside of traditional use. Once the drivers for the Kinect were out in the open, talented people began finding genius ways to implement the device. Beyond, you know, air kicking a virtual soccer ball. However, call me short-sighted cause I didn’t forsee this: the Kinect could be used to aid in the performing of surgery.
Fucking awesome.
Surgical robots are super-precise, but Mike Fahey at Kotaku points out that the “problem with surgical robots is that while they allow for extreme precision, there is no tactile sensation for the doctor operating the tiny robotic arms. If a scalpel brushes against an exposed vein, for instance, the robot operator does not feel the subtle bump.”
That’s not the best thing in the world. Knick an artery, have no clue, and Steve McHaplessvictim slowly bleeds out.
What’s the answer to this? Force feedback. This is where the Kinect comes in:
