Say what you will about all the motion bullshit gadgetry that has been birthed out of the bleeding anus where gaming ingenuity used to be. It’s prolonged the generation. That kids, is a fucking good thing. However, everything comes to an end. This generation’s cycle is no exception, and Microsoft has begun hiring engineers to work on their next Box.

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Goddamn that fucking Kinect! I knew it was the Devil. El Diablo! It wants to corrupt us! Sure it has us petting animals and playing volleyball, now. But in the future? Once the indoctrination is complete, it’ll have us stabbing our grandparents and bathing in the blood of purified newborns!

Don’t believe me? Here’s some more proof. It causes the dreaded Red Ring of Death. Maybe! Sensationalism? Sure.

According to the BBC, a nice, untainted British family bought a Kinect. And then their console died. Could this be coincidence? Absolutely not! Wink. According to 10 year-old Adam Winnifrith,  “We plugged it in the day we got it but only played it a few times before we got the red lights. The next day when we tried it again we still had the red rings of death and haven’t been able to use it since.”

See! What more proof do you need? Fuck Kinect! It’s encouraging Big Brother. It’s going to result in robotic spy planes of death, and if that isn’t bad enough: it’ll kill your fucking Xbox 360.

Via.

I can no longer worry about whether or not Kinect is going to succeed. I can no longer worry about whether or not yet another console is going to be indoctrinated into gimmicky, motion control bullshit. I can no longer worry about whether or not the Xbox 360 can stuff all those grandparents and happy family advertisements down the fucking Sarlacc Pit they belong in, incinerating their insipid banality into a forgotten realm of bullshit.

Who gives a shit if it’s gimmicky bullshit? Who gives a shit if it’s clearly spying on you for Big Brother Microsoft Cola? No ones.

I should have known better. Kinect isn’t just selling, it’s selling like fucking hot cakes.

Reuters:

Microsoft Corp said on Monday it has sold more than 1 million of its new hands-free Kinect gaming systems in the first 10 days since launch, putting it on track to beat its target of 5 million sales by the end of the year.

Son of a fucking bitch. Oh well. What does it really mean in the long run? A lot more units solid for the Micro-softs, right? They’ve totally out Wii’d the Wii. No longer must you sling phallic device! Now you dance your way into stupidity with Grandma! Watch as she dances her dying tribal dance! Watch as Papa’s hearing aid falls out in the middle of a lovely game of The Biggest Loser: Ultimate Workout! and the family cat dies from choking on it.

As long as it doesn’t affect the actual like, games being produced, I’m fine. There can be mountains of bullshit titles out there featuring Kinect-based controls, as long as I get my legitimate installments. But with news that there’s a Gears of War-related Kinect announcement soon, I fear! I fear the infection is spreading.

The bunkers, we must climb into them. The hatches, we must latch.

You fucking assholes.

Theo Watson is a man with some impressive skills. Well, to me at least. I don’t know if he’s like, totally wizard or whatever to other geniuses. But to me? Dude is awesome. The good chap has hacked a Microsoft Kinect, and gotten it to run on a Mac OS. Barely a week after launch! Guffaw! I don’t know the practical applications of it up to this point, but I’m not sure there’s a practical application I can think of for Kinect, in any regard.

None the less, it’s pretty cool. And with this talented man opening up the Kinect to the Mac OS, I can only assume it’ll thusly open up possibility for other people to fuck around with.

Hit the jump for a video of it in motion.

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Don your goggles! Prepare your stave of dismemberment! Summon your courage.   As I type this, it’s Thursday night. I have my lucky underwear affixed to sticky nerd crotch. I have soda en masse at my side. This is Press Start! My guide to the five things that caught my attention in gaming this week. Imma level with you chaps and do-gooders. This week’s gaming news can be broken down into two categories: fetid bullshit pertaining to Microsoft Kinect, and the Supreme Court case currently being held regarding video games. However!, I promise you turd consumers five. So I will deliver. But if you find them particularly weak sauce, I have a special place in my sticky nerd panties for you.

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#1: Microsoft Launches Kinect, Dickheads And Assholes Rejoice
That ass clown bench pressing his solid stick of plastic shit is Peter Gonzales. I know this, because Kotaku knows this. No matter how much of a valuable contributor to the community he is, or donor to good will he is, or sterling husband he is, Gonzales is a douchebag. I’m sorry Pete. You’re probably a great guy.

But you’re a douche.

Peter waited in line for two days to get his Microsoft Kinect. That’s amazing. You want to know why? ‘Cause I was at Target today, and they had them stacked up by the register. I’m not even fucking fronting. So for all your fist-pumping, and your assuredly stank ass wafting through the store as you cheered, and those retarded clerks clapping, it was for nothing. You waited two days to buy a piece of shit that they’re probably stocking at your local Walgreens.

Maybe they clapped when the first dude stapled his ball bag to a plank of wood and then tried to snowboard with it. I don’t fucking know.

Kinect dropped, and I still waver between hating it, and finding it a neat, overly-expensive bit of techo-wankery. Actually I hate it, but I find myself vaguely drawn to it. It all works out in the end though, because of all the people I despise on Spaceship Earth, I loathe myself the most.

Get ready for an onslaught of clapping vapid monkey men and women on Good Morning Today USA Show, as they gesture wildly pretending to pet a tiger or throw a volleyball or some shit. Awkward middle class white people are going to eat this shit up. Pretend to care about playing it at parties while they try and discuss post-colonial literature, which they also don’t care about. Dancing like goons, while hoping the wine will take hold of everyone, and they can start slapping grimy genitals on the overly expensive oriental rug.

Fuck Microsoft Kinect.

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#2: Even Madden 11 Knows Donovan McNabb Is An Out of Shape, Pukey Suck-Ass
If you follow football, one thing should be apparent to you. Despite being cute, and able to sling a football really well, Donovan McNabb is overrated, and barfs up all over himself in big games. Like, no, literally. Do a Google Search. He did it at Syracuse, he did in the regular season, and he did it in the Superbowl. And his running of a two-minute drill is astonishing. He just sort of pukes as he walks, while flinging errant pass after errant pass. By the way, McNabb, thanks for blowing it. I still wear my greasy Patriots championship t-shirt, years of sweat caked into the armpits, years of semen caked into the fabric near the tummy area.

For some reason, Mike Shanahan didn’t know this when he traded for Donovan over the summer. But he realizes it now. Oh boy, does he. On Sunday, McNabb was pulled with two minutes left for the inestimably untalented Rex Grossman. What follow was a stunning display of bullshit reasons by Shanahan, the most decided of which was that McNabb’s got shit cardiovascular.

The best part? With the next roster update, Madden 11 is dropping McNabb’s stamina from a 95 to an 87. I don’t play Madden, nor do I give a fuck, but I still find it amazing.

Apparently the drop is almost inconsequential, but it’s great that shit talking and a coach’s comments can effect a dude’s video game attributes. Tough luck, Pukey McVomitsalot.

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#3: Star Wars Goes Augmented Reality In iPhone Game
Augmented reality is radical, yo. Like, really radical. Vertigore Games realized this, and they channeled that incontrovertible truth into a fucking dope game coming out for the iPhone. Star Wars: Falcon Gunner works through the phone’s camera, projecting tie fighters onto a cityscape of your choice. It’s so basic, yet so incredibly dope.

Augmented reality! When the fuck am I going to be able to look through lenses built into my ocular parts and see a projection of Princess Leia getting down with Jabba the Hut? And upon manipulating the images in front of me, the force feedback electrodes strapped to my crotch will get convincingly erotic feedback. The future is coming, Jesus Christ, it’s already here.

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Ah, it is finally here. The day that Microsoft launches Kinect. The device that lets you karate chop, finger-bang animals, and Minority Report your way to dumbassery. Thank goodness. I was waiting for it to come out. That way my annoyance can reach critical mass. I had to slap down my Nana today for dropping a banana peel. Her head spun around like a god damn Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robot. As she writhed on the ground, I tried to explain myself.

Sorry Nana, video games made me do it. It’s the new motion controls! They’re a bad influence! I just want to karate chop everything. I can’t tell real from fake anymore. It’s the violence! No, don’t you dare call my psychiatrist! They’ll never take me alive! Alive!

Then I dove out the window. I am typing this under shelter of fallen leaves and raindrops. Wi-Fi is a helluva thing.

But seriously Kinect can go fuck itself. I’ve never felt so little excitement over an add-on. And this is coming from the guy who bought a Sega CD and a 32X. I totally had to have them.

Dropping an honest bomb on your ass, a part of Kinect appeals to me. As a technology whore, I can be a turned on by the idea of manipulating menus with my hands. I would love to totally don my duster jacket, sweet reflective shades, and pretend I’m in Neuromancer. I can imagine the hours I’d spend manipulating the dashboard, while manipulating my dong-bot. Enhance! I’d say. Enhance! I’d command. Sure nothing would happen, but I’d be living out a Gibsonian dream that I’ve fantasized about for years.

Hand manipulation? Facial recognition? Speech commands? It’s something out of my wet dreams.

The problem is that I simply don’t give a fuck about the games. I own a Wii. It sits in the corner, gathering dust. Every once in a while I take a moment to demean it.

You underpowered piece of shit! Where’s your HD? LOL AT YOU. YOUR PENIS IS SMALL AND YOUR BREATH STINKS. STINKS.

It only murmurs, hurtfully.

I don’t need to spend a $150 for something whose only marketing value to me is a sweet-ass way to get through a dashboard. I don’t need to pet animals, or do dance moves, or play tennis. I can do all that shit in real life. And if you know anything about me, it’s that I pet animals daily. That’s not to mention the fact that my dance moves are fucking elite. Seriously, I cut a rug like a son of a bitch. White guy funk drizzled in insanity, motherfuckers.

It’s a sweet ass piece of technology that beckons to me, like a Siren’s Call. But underneath that is the fact that it’s a gimmicky utensil of bullshit. If I’m being completely honest, they’ve almost won me over. Not for $150, but the allure of gadget-stroking. Perhaps my vitriol is so manifest because I can see myself staring down the chasm of douchery. It calls to me, yet I know how much I detest a good portion of what it stands for.

Stay strong, fight the fight. Say no to gimmicky motion controls, even if they harbor the allure of living within science fiction orgasm. You don’t need to play hopscotch with your grandma and grandpa. I promise.

Remember when I commented on Oprah Winfery giving away Xbox 360s and Kinects to everyone in her audience last week? Remember when I said that the women were roused into retarded level of hysteria after Oprah was like “yo, mindless automatons, be fucking excited!” Well, the Oprah Winfrey juggernaut cannot be fucking stopped. Not only are her audiences base, empty women, but the people watching at home are just as susceptible to Ms. Winfrey’s suggestive powers.

Since being spotlighted on her show, Kinect pre-orders have jumped 42% on Amazon. Good lord.

That’s fucking stellar. Nothing like the Voice of Vacancy rousing into her followers a sense of OMFG, OPRAH SEZ IS COOL, I BUY. I could be jumping to conclusions, maybe the correlation is maybe coincidence. Doubtful. I wish Oprah told everyone in her audience that double-pronged dildos and anal nitrate was awesome. The idea of house wives eagerly awaiting boxes of sex toys is awesome. C’mon Oprah! It’s your last season. Use your influence to inspire some freak in the ordinary lady.

Kotaku picked up on a CNN article where   Microsoft Game Studios VP Phil Spencer is talking up the Nintendo 3DS, while calling the rest of 3D gaming a “science experiment”. Well then! What exactly is Spencer’s reasoning for praising the upcoming Nintendo handheld, while taking a presumed swipe on Sony’s entry into 3D gaming on the PS3? Dude explains!

CNN:

“I like the 3DS,” Spencer said, though he hadn’t actually seen it firsthand. He likes the concept because “you don’t have to wear the glasses.”

I agree with you on that one, Philly. Nothing screams choad like wearing some goofy fucking glasses while you’re trying to watch television, or play video games. I mean, talk about fucking gimmicky. But do you know what’s just as gimmicky as wearing some fucking goggles on your fat mug? Doing karate kicks to control something on screen!

Yeah, that’s right the fucking Kinect is about as retarded and gimmicky. Now, I’m embellishing a bit. He didn’t actually demean 3D gaming as gimmicky. I did. I just sort of conflated the two. But it seems amusing that he doesn’t see something ludicrous in fingering animals with your hands through pantomiming, but he thinks some glasses on your faceplate aren’t anything more than fucking around with science.

Thoughts? Shazam!

We know it was coming. We had heard the rumblings that Microsoft’s retarded Kinect was going to cost $150. That’s one-hundred and fifty Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers, but now it’s official.

via kotaku:

Microsoft’s Kinect add-on for the Xbox 360 will be $150 and come with a copy of Kinect Adventures when the motion controller hits stores in November, the company said today. Kinect games will sell for $50 each.

Oh goody! The Kinect games – which are tantamount to pantomiming like an asshole, will be ten bucks less than regular 360 games. That’s still fifty Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers to look like a tool.*

*Yes, I’ll still probably be buying this piece of shit. As always, I am part of the problem.

Kinect games are going to be in purple boxes.

What the fuck is this bullshit, pendejo! More proof that Kinect fucking sucks: purple boxes. What the frak?! Everyone knows that the green cases were an obvious homage to one thing: Mountain fucking Dew. Or as I call it, the x-treme nectar of the gods that I pound in limitless excess during a gaming session. So what is this bullshit?! Purple?! This is kiddie Barney the Dinosaur dogshit! Or dinosaur shit, rather!

How dare they anger Lord Caffeinus, purveyor of all gaming and x-treme and totally wicked behavior! There’s an ass-smiting coming, and Microsoft is on deck.