Uatu, the fat-headed fuck has been murdered. Marvel’s 2014 event is centered around founding out who popped the Watcher. My best guess? One of the other Watchers. How many times did that fucker meddle in human affairs? Like…seriously.

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There ain’t a multitude of titles hitting the shelves this week, and that’s aiight for two reasons. First, it saves my pittance of an allowance from evaporating with over a week to go until the next paycheck. I am a poor ass academic surviving on tutoring wages, though to be fair, what I am paid for what I do is patently ridiculous. Second, the comic books that are dropping have my tits tweaked. My nips are a deep, hungry red, begging for the funny rags to fiddle them.

This den of perversion and adolescent banality is Buy These F**king Comic Books. Within these walls we shall all share the comic books we’re excited for on a given week. I know my tastes sucks raw farts out of my dead grandmother’s ass, so remind me of the titles I missed. If you don’t know what is arriving on a particular Wednesday, Comic List will help you out.

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Out of the darkness emerges a hero! It ain’t me. That hero comes along, smashes me in the gullet, and drags my corpse into the creak whilst I scream. What I can do is welcome you back to Buy These Frakin’ Comics! It’s been over a month since I saddled up to this column and shared the juicy pink comic bits I want to be snagging on a given Wednesday. Better yet? It’s been over two months since I actually snagged the funnies off a rack. Busy, man. Jaded, woman. I return today, hoping to double down on some PMA and ride the sequential artwork once more. In this here column we gather round, scratching dander out of our cracks while sharing the comic books we’re buying. Don’t see your fave rag in my list? Good. Audience participation is crucial, and I’m always looking for new finds.

Not sure what is coming out? Hit up Comic List.

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Marvel NOW! may be predicated on sales and emerge out of another bullshit event. It may. That isn’t stopping the creative minds at Marvel from bringing together some absurdly righteous creative teams. The company has revealed Esad Ribic’s cover for Thor: God of Thunder #2 and it has my balls all aflutter. That’s when they literally levitate in my pants, and I shout I’m flying!, I’m flying!” while recognizing a childhood dream.

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Sometimes you just need to run with a headline regardless of whether or not it makes sense.  Thor: God of Thunder has gotten itself a nice expose, exposing all of its nougaty bits for us to feast upon. Shit man, Marvel Now! has actually got my nipples tightening a bit.

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Ooph! Now this is a beast of a creative team right here.

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Weeks like this are a special treat. Fat off the flesh of animal and the oak sodas after celebrating Memorial Day, nary a moment has passed after returning to reality and it is already Comic Book Day. None the less, it is the finest of  interstitial  days, an Island of Relief in the middle of the work week. This is the inglorious column where we discuss the funny rags we’re snagging on a given Wednesday. Per usual this is a douche-free zone, and if my poor taste results in me not dropping a title you’re interested in, by all means alley-oop a recommendation.

Don’t know what’s coming out? Hit up ComicList.

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It’s approaching midnight and I sipping liberally from a recently-cracked open two-liter of Pepsi Max. This can only mean a few things. Diablo 3  has launched, my semester is over, and I may very well be dead by the time you read this. Slouched over all fucking South Korean internet cafe Starcraft  stylee. Should I continue sucking wind into the meatier part of this Wednesday, I shall be snagging some comic books. These are the ones I’m digging on. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to tolerate my stupidity and then augment my list with the titles you’re going to procure for an exorbitant sum. Especially if I don’t list your little binky title. I’m willing to riff on anything should you suggest it.

Don’t know what’s dropping? Hit up ComicList.

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Hey there!

How’s it going? If you’re a citizen of the Empire like I am, then chances’re that you might have the day off of work for the Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday. I’d like to think that I’m going to spend the day contemplating the racial disparity that’s marred the history of the United States. Perhaps I could even set aside some time to figure out a way to try to oppose the inequality that lingers to this day.

But the fact is that I’m more apt to sleep in late, eat pizza, and straight-chill.

Hey! Don’t judge me! I’m just bein’ honest! If you know something I can do to help the world, let me know and I’ll see what I can do. But if nothing else, I’ll probably figure out some nerdy way to empathize with racial tensions.

Okay, okay – thissere’s the MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE! I’m going to show you the different bits of entertainment I’ll be using to assemble my own anti-stress mech. After you check out the ways I’m going to entertain myself through the workweek, your task is to hit up the comments section and show off your own wares. Yes, this is essentially show-and-tell, minus the rules and kindergarten teacher who was probably hot back in the 1970s but is now a crabby old bitch.

Let’s rock.

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We’re shortly enclosing on the witching hour, the feast of October. The  ephemeral  time where the membrane between the expired and the wind-sucking melts before our eyes, unleashing torrents of evil and scares upon us. That ain’t the half of it either, dude. Motherfuckin’ candy up in the bitch and rotten teeth and syringes in the bags of your children. It’s dangerous out there! Stay inside. Read some funny books.

This is Variant Covers. The rags I’m stoked on this week. Share your pull-list after the spiel ends.

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