#November2013
‘EPISODE VII’ CASTING SHEET sort of suggests MAIN CHARACTERS AREN’T SKYWALKERS OR SOLOS.
You’re tired of my dry-humping Episode VII speculation until the skin leaves my testicles in hardened, red clumps? I don’t know what to tell you. I’m excited about this enterprise. Very excited. Latest batch of news surrounds a Disney casting sheet which suggests the main characters of the next trilogy ain’t Skywalkers or Solos.
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‘EPISODE VII’ RUMOR: Chiwetel Ejiofor up for a role! Nice++
The uber talented star of 12 Years A Slave Chiwetel Ejiofor may turn out to be Force Sensitive. Or Han Solo’s dad. Who the fuck knows. What we do know is (we don’t know for certain) that the good sir may up for a role in Episode VII.
I’ll take it.
‘EPISODE VII’ Rumor: ABRAMS is now WRITING because he is THROWING OUT LUCAS’ PLOT OUTLINE
—wa—wait. The reason that J.J. Abrams is jumping aboard Episode VII writing duties with Larry Kasdan is because they’re throwing out Uncle George’s shitty outline? Well, why didn’t you fucking say so? If that’s true, I’m all aboard. In fact, I’m the conductor of that fucking train.
JJ ABRAMS (AND LAWRENCE KASDAN) NOW WRITING ‘EPISODE VII’, replacing MICHAEL ARNDT. Oh GOD.
Darkness. Darkness descending. My favorite refrain of “Oh man J.J. Abrams is a good director, but I’m glad he isn’t writing Episode VII” is no longer applicable.
‘EPISODE VII’ NEWS: SAOIRSE RONAN talks about AUDITIONING WITH LIGHTSABER
As I’ve already stated, Saoirse Ronan kicks fucking ass. She holds it the fuck down in Hanna. Which if you haven’t seen, correct that shit immediately. So when word drops that she auditioned for Episode VII, and it involved a lightsaber?
Fugg yeah.
J.J ABRAMS has APOLOGIZED for LENS FLARES. Self-Awareness++
Despite all my shit talking of Abrams (perhaps misguided because it’s the plot for STID that I so loathe), I’m excited for the dude to be doing Episode VII. So when he comes out and directly addresses his over use of lens flares, I can only get a bit more excited. Self-awareness? I’ll take it.
‘STAR WARS’ SPIN-OFF FLICKS will be ORIGIN STORIES. Mehnothanx
Yeah maybe these movies will be decent but I’m not feeling yet another set of origin stories in the Star Wars universe. I’d rather they throw us some Kenobi nuggets from when he was protecting Luke, or like, issuing destruction during the Clone Wars or whatever. I don’t need to see Han Solo find Baby Chewie.
(I’ll still love it probably okay fuck you.)
NO SH*T RUMOR: The MILLENIUM FALCON will “play a role” in ‘EPISODE VII.’
Does this surprise you? Does it knock the hair off your labia? Does it hardened your nipples and/or testicles? ‘Cause it seems pretty obvious to me. If James James Abrams is getting the entire original cast back together for Episode VII, why in tarnation wouldn’t the Millenium Falcon be involved? So why am I covering this? ‘Cause I fucking love Star Wars!
‘STAR WARS: EPISODE VII snags first RUMORED TITLE.
Star Wars, what the fuck? Dropping news on a Sunday. The first football Sunday! I had to put my pants on, pull out my Aaron Rodgers butt plug, and scuttle across the room to report the news. It appears that Episode VII has its first rumored title? What do you think? Imma leave this here, plug back in, and watch some foosball.
‘STAR WARS: EPISODE VII’ casting call REVEALS THREE roles. NO PORKINS GHOST WTF
An Episode Abrams casting call has revealed three roles. But there’s a problem. No Porkins. No fucking Porkins? In my mind, for my fucking money, Porkins is the most obvious Force-sensitive character in the SWU. Clearly he was never caught (not recruited, they were predators) by those Jedi pricks. However, I always sort of envisioned he’d come back as a Force ghost. Maybe Episode VIII?
