I wasn’t supposed to be upset that Russell was dead.

Pops and Mahma explained to me when we first got him, years back, that he was mine to look after. After all, they reasoned, it was because of my begging and pleading that they agreed to go to a breeder in the first place. While it was true, Pops admitted, that we all fell in love with Russell’s soft whimpering and pouty eyes, he was mine to look after.

And that meant, in their parental estimation, not only enjoying the benefits but also dealing with the baggage. And to do so with the grace and poise for which our family — the Eldertons — was known.

So, needless to say, Pops and Mahma were none too thrilled when they found me cradling Russell’s body on the morning that I found him, gently and peacefully, dead in the backyard. I was crying, and they were disgusted, but I told them that Russell was my best friend and they should honor my feelings even if they didn’t agree with them.

I wasn’t supposed to be upset that Russell was dead, they told me. I was supposed to know that Russell’s lifespan, given his breed, was going to be short, they told me. I was supposed to stop crying, and when I collected myself I could go back to the breeder and get a new Russell, they told me.

But they’d never told me that it was risky for me to get Russell in the first place. They’d never told me that something’d gone awry when I was programmed. They’d never told me that I’d been glitch-maxxed for empathy.

I wasn’t supposed to be upset that Russell was dead, but he was more than just a human being to me.

He was my best friend.

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Welcome to the MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE!

Now that you’ve survived another one of my brain-damaged attempts at drivel fiction, it’s time to discuss the upcoming week’s activities.

What’re you going to do to curb the blow of another workweek? What’re you looking forward to? What’s getting you jacked up and ready to embrace existence?

I’ll start.

Read the rest of this entry »

This is the first installment of Welcome to the Future. It’s often that I think to myself that the future has arrived, and people don’t appreciate it. We’re waiting for an unattainable horizon, while magic happens around us. It’s a concept that was really slammed into my head by Warren Ellis’ comic book Doktor Sleepless. I’m going to use the category Welcome to the Future to showcase amazing shit that is happening before our eyes without being appreciated.

So it seems obvious where I’d start, huh? Fucking and magical iPod sex devices. To catch you guys up to speed with my demented mind, let me quickly define Teledildonics for you:

Via Wiki:

Teledildonics (also known as “cyberdildonics”) are electronic sex toys that can be controlled by a computer.[1] Promoters of these devices have claimed since the 1980s they are the “next big thing” in cybersex technology.[2] “Teledildonics” can also refer to the integration of telepresence with sex that these toys make possible – the term was coined in 1975 by Ted Nelson[3] in his Computer Lib/Dream Machine

There, now you’re with me. There’s some amazing teledildonics. There’s the RealTouch, which seems fucking amazing. It’s a vagina (or anus, no seriously for rockin’ gay porn or dudes who enjoy anal) that is connected to your computer via your USB port. Then the vagina/anus interacts with special porns that you watch via the RealTouch website. It’s god damn stupendous. I can’t imagine even the biggest prude not being amazed by this.

And then there’s the inspiration behind this column. A couple of nights ago I was rocking some pre-bed porn. And the specific scene I was watching featured the OhMiBod. It’s a vibrator whose vibrations are determined by the music being output by an iPod. So in essence, you plug the OhMiBod into your iPod, while rocking some headphones. And then women or men who enjoy anal play get off to the various vibrations output by their favorite George Clinton or Napalm Death songs. Depending on the sort of music you enjoy, of course.

You plug the headphones into the iPod, the iPod into your OhMiBod, and then the OhMiBod into your orifice of choice. Brilliant.

Welcome to the Future.