All that swagalicious boner time that a good portion of the gaming community and myself dedicated to the news that MGS5 was coming last week can be mildly mitigated. Speaking to Formless PlayStation Propaganda, he elaborated on the news that dribbled out of the internet’s anus last week.

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Much like the Mafia, every time I think I’ve gotten out of the Metal Gear cult, I get dragged back in. Kojima’s working on MGS5, and I can feel my tactical espionage swelling in my jeans.

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Press Start! Weekly Top 5 list chronicling the happenings in gaming in the past seven days.

The abridged week always leads to a certain funk that bookmarks both sides of it. You begin checking out prior to the Holiday, and the days that follow are (for most of us, I’d wager) a haze of recuperation, lament at the end of the Holiday, and an attempt to gain your footing again.

As such, the world of gaming news is either unremarkable, or I frankly didn’t give much of a shit. Too busy trying to burn off the impressive caloric excess while simultaneously polish off the remainder of flesh and sweets that populated my house.

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This is Press Start!, the column where I spit about video games. A top five list of the happenings in the gaming world from a particular 168-hour span. I’m a bit distracted today. You see, here in the comfortable bosom of the United States, the glorious day of Burning Flesh and Explosion-Based Dismemberment is coming upon us! I can’t fucking wait. The next few days are merely filler, perhaps filled with the party before the party. Grab a group of friends and regardless of allegiances and ideologies, get your community smiles on. Let’s just get through this so we can all go grab some beverages and chuckle either in a backyard or a CoD lobby.

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I love you, Hideo Kojima. Despite the fact that you haven’t made a game I’ve enjoyed in something like seven years, I love you. In the event that my love for you diminish, I’ll just look at these recent words of yours. Droppin’ knowledge bombs about the divide between Western and Japanese developers.

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This is Press Start! If you don’t know, now you know! The whacky, zany, okay completely retarded and juvenile weekly gaming column. In it!, you’ll find five things that caught my eye this week in the world of killstreaks and waggle dongle wonders.

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#1: Gamestop Buys Impulse. This Shit Is Big.
If you’re a modern minded motherfucker, you know that tangibility is for bitches. You can disagree with it, but it’s inevitable. A forthcoming facticity that can’t be stopped. Sometimes it bums me out, in the dark night as I lay next to my copy of Twilight. Kissing the book, I can tasted Edward! Yet, it’s coming.

Gamestop knows this shit as well. This week they bought Impulse, one of the monolith of PC digital distribution. What the fuck fun is a clunky ass case and game as a reward for leaving your fucking house?, when you can buy that shit online? None. With digital sales driving up and up, Gamestop needs in on that sheezy. They’re twitching, aware they’re being left behind like dinosaurs of a forgotten age. That age being like ten years ago or some shit.

They also bought start-up Spawn Labs, who are up on the streaming video game tip.

I don’t think the motherfuckers can compete with Steam. Perched atop a mountain of money and ruined childrens’ rectums, adrift in crumbs and hate Gabe Newell laughs at them. They have to try though.

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#2: Original Madden Developer Wants Some Cheddar.
Robin Antonick wants some fucking money!, and he wants it from Electronic Arts. Despite the fact that he hasn’t lodged a claim regarding it in twenty years, Antonick wants a chunk of the Madden franchise’s profits. Dude was a contracted developer hired by Trip Hawkins way back in 1986 to work on the original Madden. Apparently working on the game back in 1986 entitles the dude to some money from every iteration until then. Wait, what?

I don’t have my Lawyers Glasses on, the likes of which enable me to purvey the cosmos and inner workings of United States law, but I’m going to go out on a leaf and bet this dude loses his fucking case.

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#3: WWE All-Stars Dropped. I Need This Shit.
I don’t watch wrestling anymore, nor do I play wrestling video games. Even in spite of this shit, I need WWE All-Stars. The game dropped this week, and it has a magical set of attributes. These attributes are responsible for making it one of my most sought-after experiences. The hierarchy goes like this: orgasms, pizza, orgasms, WWE All-Stars, followed by comic books and video games. As currently constituted. Obviously. Ever since it was announced that Macho Man Randy Savage and a litany of old school dudes were going to be available in the title, it was obvious I needed to play it.

There’s few things I want to do more than tool on someone fucking bozos dome with Andre the Giant. The game is straight-up arcade ridiculousness, which is fitting of time when wrestling didn’t take itself seriously. Let me rage in the ring as Macho Man, and put a stink on John Cena, that jorts wearing asshole.

Fucking mental insanity!

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Oh, Hideo Kojima. Only you, of all people, would somehow end up on the internet shirtless. I don’t know if the Patriots put you up to it, of it you were just trying to infiltrate some panties – while obviously reading something by Murakami, Descartes, or General Patton or something. But these pictures are so win that it hurts.

Kudos do you, good sir.

Hey! Hideo Kojima today proved he doesn’t just talk mindless bullshit in his games:

via kotaku:

Kojima says, via Twitter, that he’s daydreaming/obsessing over his future project, putting his brain in “The Next Title Mode.” That means “pondering over the next project’s voice cast” and its “title, game design, story, characters, setting, mechs, casting, direction of the graphics, sound, beginning & ending, and key story sequences.”

“It all molds together naturally in my head,” Kojima writes. That next project could very well be the already announced Metal Gear Solid: Rising, announced at E3 2009 for the PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360, or something else entirely–just don’t get your hopes up yet, considering the Kojima Productions head’s obligations to the two still unreleased Metal Gear games and Castlevania: Lords of Shadow. Kojima also says his “next title” will “challenge a certain type of taboo.”

Wait, melodramatic statements? Overwrought bullshit? Why, it simply HAS to be Hideo Kojima.

Hideo Kojima spends most of his time making his video games incomprehensible piles of slop. He takes some interesting social commentary, wraps it around melodrama, sprinkles in a bit of pontificating, and all of a sudden like thirteen cool concepts come together as one retarded vomitfart of doom. In case you didn’t catch me there, I thought Metal Gear Solid 4 had like fourteen neat themes, but it culminated in a pile of shit.