#March2013
HARRISON FORD has joined ‘ANCHORMAN 2.’ Interesting.
Harry Ford is going to be up in the Anchorman 2 house. I can get behind that. Here is hoping that whatever sort of preparation goes into this role involves finding some way to unmelt his face. Good lord, the guy sort of freaks me out these days.
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HARRISON FORD may be open to returning for ‘EPISODE VII.’ I am in an alternate universe.
The past week has seen me typing headlines I never, ever thought I would type. The latest has Harry Ford open to returning to Star Wars. Just chew on that. Spit it up. Lick it off the back of your palm. Chew it again. Then drop your thoughts in the comments box.
Monday Morning Commute: Bourbon-Soaked Orgy
Voodoo-prescribin’ witch doctors once invited me to a party.
It was the summer of 1987 and I was in the middle of one of the worst hangovers of my entire life. Since April, I’d spent every waking hour thrashing to Among the Living and doing lines of gasoline-soaked blow. As far as I can recall, it wasn’t until mid-July that I even realized I’d made it all the way to Nova Scotia.
Don’t let anyone tell you that heavy metal and drugs won’t lead you anywhere. They will. Specifically, to the beautiful port-town of Yarmouth.
Anyways, I stumbled out of buck-toothed Ambellina’s bedroom, leaving behind my Walkman and cocaine in the hopes of finding something slightly more transcendent. Fortunately, I found the Tim Hortons whose manager seemed eager to keep my coffee cup filled to the brim, free of charge. (In hindsight, I think must’ve let him look at my Polaroid collection. You ever see a Yeti’s genitals? No? Well, then you haven’t seen my Polaroid collection.) After my thirteenth cup of black wonder, I saw them.
The witch doctors.
There were three of `em. They were all black dudes. They were all wearing sleeveless Wham! t-shirts tucked into blue jeans, which were in turn tucked into work boots. And their accents couldn’t’ve been more diverse. The fat one spoke with a Cajun twang, the old one spoke through a metrosexual French patois, and the tall one sounded German.
In a flash, they’d all taken the liberty of joining me in my booth. Surrounded on all sides, strung out, and shaking in an over-caffeinated stupor, I had no hope of escaping `em. Which wasn’t really a concern of mine until the old one pulled a decapitated chicken out of his backpack and started rubbing it on my face. “Ah, mon ami, you need to stop stressing out!”
“Ja! Too stressed” shouted the tall one, loud enough to turn the heads of patrons.
“C’mon,” encouraged the fat man, “un p’tit boug hain’t gotta worries! We fixxya!”
I was vexed, absolutely sure that these three were going to murder me. I finished my coffee, the best last meal I could ever hope for, and prepared for my demise. “So, you’re goin’ to kill me, huh?”
Uproarious laughter.
The old man put the chicken back into his bag and did me the favor of wiping the grease and blood from my face. Granted, he cleaned my visage with his bare hand and then proceeded to clean his hand with his tongue, but the sentiment was there. He then did his best to reassure me.
“Eh bien! Murder is for poets! We are witch doctors! And we’ve got a prescription for you!”
I was curious. “Okay…what is it?”
“ES IST VOODOO!” bellowed the Bavarian.
“Um…” I equivocated, “what type of voodoo?”
Toothy grins spread across the trio of shadowy faces. And then, seemingly from out of nowhere, four of the ugliest, skankiest Canadian girls I’d ever seen appeared behind the witch doctors. If I had to bet, I’d’ve put my money on at least two of `em havin’ VD.
The old man grabbed my shoulder and cackled, “The type of voodoo that starts with a bourbon-soaked orgy!”
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Welcome to the Monday Morning Commute! This is the feature in which I write whatever nonsense pops into my mind and then run through the various ways I’ll be entertaining myself into the weekend. At that point, it’s your duty/honor/begrudging privilege to hit up the comments section and share your own ennui-destroyin’ elixirs.
Enough feet-draggin’, let’s rock!
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Video: HAN SOLO Dancing To Jason Derulo In ‘KINECT STAR WARS’. Vomit On My Crotch.
There’s video of Han Solo cutting a a rug in Kinect Star Wars has hit the net, and people are up in arms. You know, I pretend to be upset, but let’s get real. The Star Wars Christmas Special hit many, many moons ago. Exploiting the franchise has been going on for thirty years. It’s the fucking with the trilogy that’s beyond the pale. Check out the video, you’re going to love it. Or cry.
Han and Leia Swaggin’ Out On Hoth. Just Cause.
Smile. You’re sucking wind, and on the Internet. Merry Friday.
Deleted ‘Empire Strikes Back’ Scene Sees Han Going Full Douche.
There’s a delete scene from Empire Strikes Back making its way around the internet from the upcoming Star Wars Blu-Ray release. It’s pretty sweet, if you think that Han Solo acting like an even douchier misogynist is sweet. Just kidding! I sort of enjoy it. Buy that infernal piece of crap mutilated collection sorts of enjoy it? Please!
