OCTOBER 17th, Dick Marcinko

“Award of 50,000 piasters to anyone who could kill First Lieutenant Demo Dick Marcinko, a grey-faced killer who had brought death and trouble to the Chau Phu Province during the Lunar New Year.”
-Viet Cong Wanted Poster

If you don’t know who Dick Marcinko is, shame on you. All those phony Chuck Norris facts could truthfully apply to this man. Let’s just say that Demo Dick, as he was known, is a true American hero and move on.

There are many things about Marcinko that would qualify him for Fear Fest status. Number one on that list would be that this is the man that started Seal Team 6. I’m sure the rest of the list is still classified, but we might as well toss in there that he was technical advisor on “24”. That’s right, fictional hero Jack Bauer is a cheap knock off of the real thing.

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OCTOBER 15th, Needles

“Ah, pierce me 100 times with your needles fine and I will thank you 100 times, Saint Morphine, you who Aeseulapus has made a God.”
-Jules Verne

If you guys are anything like me, you hate pricks. However, there are people out there that are so inherently needles that hey actually faint when they see them. Trypanophobia is the fear of medical procedures, specifically ones that involve injections.

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OCTOBER 11th, Germs

“To perceive things in the germ is intelligence”
-Lao Tzu

Welcome back folks. Yesterday we took a gander at the largest fear in the world, today, in a wonderful, albeit waifishly thin, example of juxtaposition we cover the smallest.

Germs are everywhere. They are on your hands, on your keyboard, on your mouse, everywhere. You’re sitting in a big pile of germs right now. That soda you’re drinking or that bag of chips you’re munching from? You guessed it, germ infested. So what is it about these little microbes that send people into such a frenzy?

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October 10th, Aquaphobia

When you’re drowning, you don’t say ‘I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,’ you just scream.”
-John Lennon

Wow, are we really through one third of the month already? Let us take a moment and look back on the fears we’ve already encountered. They are enough to make a person go mad. However, today we have the largest fear on the planet. Water. Water makes up roughly 70% of the Earth’s surface, and occasionally falls from the sky. Imagine if you were afraid of that? Suddenly your problems don’t seem so big.

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OCTOBER 7th, Reptilians

“I would not enter in my list of friends, who needlessly sets foot upon a worm. An inadvertent step may crush the snail that crawls at evening in the public path, but he has the humanity, forewarned, will tread aside, and let the reptile live.”
-William Cowper

Hello once again friends, welcome back to fear central. Today’s fear comes from the world of conspiracy theories. If you don’t know about the Reptilian Agenda, you sir (or madam) are behind the times. They’re here, and they have plans.

The Reptilian Agenda is the brain child of a man by the name of David Icke. In short, it involves reptilian shape shifters that live in an underground city and control world events. Sound like a load of shit? Well maybe you need to take a closer look at human history.

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OCTOBER 3rd, Spiders

“The spider taketh hold with her hands, and is in kings’ palaces.”
-Proverbs 30:28

                              Hello ladies and gentlemen.   Welcome back to this satellite of love we like to call Rocket ship Omega Level.   In the last two Fear Fest articles, I took a more clinical approach to them.   Today, it’s a little more loose.   I’m firing from the hip on this one.   One could argue that “Oh you procrastinated and didn’t have time to be as throughout because you were playing video games and making god cry”.   Well, in retort to you Mr. Smart guy, all I can say is stop peering into my window you pervert!

Arachnophobia is one of the world’s most common fears.   Its no secret why, look at them.   Spiders, and scorpions, are so alien to us that its hard to conceive that we share the same planet.   Personally, I like spiders.   They kill and eat other bugs that I hate.   Since I am apparently public enemy number one to the mosquito world (Why else would those fuckers attack me so much), I’ve had to make alliances with anything that will kill them.   That means citronella, tiki torches, bats, and spiders.   Upon reading up on certain arachnids, I may have to rethink the whole arachnophobia thing.

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On Halloween, Lord Voldemort and the Death Eaters rolled up into Grand Central Station. What followed was some pretty fucking awesome improv. I don’t know how these troupes pull off such impressive states of acting within public places, but I’ll be goddamned if I don’t love watching it unfold.

Hit the jump for the video of Voldemort laying down some terror in New York City.

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[OCTOBERFEAST is the greatest celebration of the year, a revelry dedicated to pop-culture’s most nutritious Halloween detritus. Plastic screams and artificial sweeteners have never been more bountiful. In the old country, villagers refer to the extended party as Satan’s Snacktime]

It’s that time of year again. The undead are becoming restless, preparing for the annual night of domination. The ghouls are tearing off their flesh-masks, skulking about retirement home windows in the hopes of inducing heart attacks. Perverts are slipping roofies into the punchbowls, their lunatic cousins hiding razor blades in apples. And soccer moms are stocking up on candy.

It’s wonderful.

Clearly, there are a number of ways to get into the holiday spirit. Anyone who doubts this need only view the video for Thunder Kiss `65.

Younger readers may not know this, but before Rob Zombie was a kooky director, he was the kooky front man for White Zombie. My feeble descriptive skills tell me that White Zombie was a horror-oriented metal band that embodied the sloppy spirit of early `90s drug binges. But what do I know?

Anyways, the video for Thunder Kiss `65 is a perfect overture for OCTOBERFEAST. With half of the footage in black in white, the video summons the spectres and hauntings that blessed the Universal lot. A luchador drives a muscle car across a barren wasteland, only stopping to drink with Frankenstein’s monster and the grim reaper. Logically, leggy Go-Go dancers shake their stuff and psychedelic filters wash over the band. It’s a tantalizing cross-section of the different types of mayhem found at Samhain.

Trust me, you want to watch this.

I can’t spend much time on this post – Halloween is callin’ my name! But I just wanted to make sure that OL represented this video in some way. Truly the best Star Wars related happening since 1983.  Before watching, just realize that you will never see something as amazing afterward.

[(Ewoks+Alcohol) x (Karate+Moon Walk)] x Live Television=

Looking ahead to some of my tentative choices, I realized the concoction known as OCTOBERFEAST was beginning to seem a bit unbalanced. Yes, by its very nature Halloween lends itself more to heavy metal and horror movies than anything else. However, I feel like part of my duty is to create a seasonal dish that satisfies the demands of a more well-rounded palate.

Therefore, today’s part of the 31-course meal takes us  to the world of hip-hop. I spent some time searching for a good lyrical anthem geared towards Halloween but didn’t manage to find anything too amazing. (Note: If you know of a solid rap song explicitly about the holiday, please let me know). Fortunately, I wracked my brain (almost to the point of mental instability) and managed to conjure up a candidate: Jay-Z’s Lucifer.

While groovier than any of the double-bass riddled songs I’m going to submit later this month, this Jay-Z track is definitely evil enough for OCTOBERFEAST. I mean, it’s titled Lucifer…as in Satan or the Devil. C’mon, you know what I’m talking about – the motherfucking Prince of Darkness! The antithesis of all that is holy and righteous! God’s arch-nemesis! If for nothing else, the title of this song warrants its inclusion.

With that being said, it is also worth mentioning that a bit of controversy erupted over the song. Being gullible and unwilling to do any critical thinking, there were some individuals who argued that if played backwards (as in, “Paul is Dead”) Lucifer contains satanic messages. This pastor tried to demonstrate that reversing the track reveals the subliminal messages “Murder Jesus” and “666.”

In reality, I wish that Jay-Z really took it upon himself to hide satanic messages in his music. That shit would be sick. Unfortunately, even the most cursory internet research unveils the fact that the audible “Murder Jesus” and “666″ is the product of DJ Dangermouse’s Jay-Z/Beatles remix known as the Grey Album.

Sorry to disappoint, Reverend Bunghole — Jay-Z isn’t in cahoots with the Devil.

Last but not least, the tune is damn catchy. The Black Album is one of my favorite rap albums and this is one of the standout tracks. I was unable to find a live video of the song, but found yet another ridiculous slideshow; this time, the song is set to an array of renderings of Lucifer himself.

So even if you don’t usually dabble in hip-hop, give this video a peek. And rest assured – there is plenty of heavy metal on the way.