I wasn’t supposed to be upset that Russell was dead.

Pops and Mahma explained to me when we first got him, years back, that he was mine to look after. After all, they reasoned, it was because of my begging and pleading that they agreed to go to a breeder in the first place. While it was true, Pops admitted, that we all fell in love with Russell’s soft whimpering and pouty eyes, he was mine to look after.

And that meant, in their parental estimation, not only enjoying the benefits but also dealing with the baggage. And to do so with the grace and poise for which our family — the Eldertons — was known.

So, needless to say, Pops and Mahma were none too thrilled when they found me cradling Russell’s body on the morning that I found him, gently and peacefully, dead in the backyard. I was crying, and they were disgusted, but I told them that Russell was my best friend and they should honor my feelings even if they didn’t agree with them.

I wasn’t supposed to be upset that Russell was dead, they told me. I was supposed to know that Russell’s lifespan, given his breed, was going to be short, they told me. I was supposed to stop crying, and when I collected myself I could go back to the breeder and get a new Russell, they told me.

But they’d never told me that it was risky for me to get Russell in the first place. They’d never told me that something’d gone awry when I was programmed. They’d never told me that I’d been glitch-maxxed for empathy.

I wasn’t supposed to be upset that Russell was dead, but he was more than just a human being to me.

He was my best friend.

—-

Welcome to the MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE!

Now that you’ve survived another one of my brain-damaged attempts at drivel fiction, it’s time to discuss the upcoming week’s activities.

What’re you going to do to curb the blow of another workweek? What’re you looking forward to? What’s getting you jacked up and ready to embrace existence?

I’ll start.

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New cover of Empire features the Galactic Squad in its newest iteration. Neat? Sure! I don’t know. I just really want this fucking movie.

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Hear that whirring? It’s Disney’s Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 Hype Machine spinning into pop-culture devouring motion! I welcome it!

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I think it’s quite evident why I enjoy Guardians of the Galaxy so much, what with characters commenting on the size of their turds while laughing.

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I need this movie. What the fuck else to say? The sequel to my favorite MCU movie (by far), and it’s looking like a fucking hilarious follow-up.

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Yeah, I know I’m late posting Super Bowl spots! Hey, my Local Sporting Team was busy playing in the game. But! Fuck! I can’t wait for this movie.

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New Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 images? New Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 images!

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Man! Look at Star-Lord. Beautiful fucker. Just look at him in this new photo! Beautiful. But also “damaged goods” according to James Gunn.

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Holy shit, Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol 2.‘s first trailer is here, and it’s fucking fantastic. Like, not exaggerating, I bust out laughing multiple times. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

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