#January2015
Monday Morning Commute: Watch Your Step
Watch your fucking step. It’s a goddamn cold one out there. At least if you’re like yours truly, living in the Northeast Quadrant of the Empire Proper. But should not grouse too loudly, for I am lucky enough to be able to ignite the heating-systems on my room in the Space-Ship. Huddle up underneath blankets of Local Sporting Team, plug into the OMNI-NETS, and converse with you folk. The specific topic of our conversation? Well seeing that this is Monday Morning Commute, let us discus what we are stoked for this week. What are the TV shows, sporting events, philosophical treatises, and tumblr accounts getting you through this latest installment of grind?
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Monday Morning Commute: Oh, I’m Sorry. I Didn’t Know.
Holy Tits on a Sacred Idol, I haven’t issued forth a meaningless communique in six days? ‘Tis the season for negligence or something. Is this inter-microphone on? Is anyone hearing this? Or am I, as always, a captive spectator in the Theater of My Own Mind? None the less. Here I am. Over-caffeinated, under-medicated, and ready to dive headfirst into Monday Morning Commute. The column where we share what we’re excited for during a given week. Maybe it’s a movie. Maybe it’s a meal. Maybe it’s a secret rendezvous in a Burger King bathroom with an omni-gendered, multiverse alien with all the holes, phalanges, phalluses, and proclivities to finally sate a very (very) nuanced sexual appetite.
Monday Morning Commute: A Nice Egg
Welcome to Tuesday Morning Commute! I’m busier than a mofuckah’ here the last week of the semester. Students coming out of the woodwork, not wanting to fail. Tutees wanting me to salvage papers last moment. And grading! Oh, the fucking grading. But I’m almost at the end. I can see six weeks of gluttony, literature, and gaming right around the corner. Here’s what I’m looking forward to this week though. The materials that are dragging me through this sad limp to the finish.
Monday Morning Commute: Who needs long weekends?
Hey friends. Today was a rockier commute than usual. The long, long weekend giving way to a long, long drive into Boston. Long, long silences when I tried to drag effort out of my students like poison from a wound. But I can’t blame them, because fuck this semester has been going on for a long, long three months. My head is pounding. My stomach is seething after a day of daring to fill it with food products that are neither slathered in gravy, nor cheese. Still. The Column-Spice must flow.
So.
These — these are the various things I’m looking forward to this week. That I shall latch onto, not unlike a tick. And hopefully suck the life-blood out of, allowing me to not call out sick. Which would follow with me festering under a blanket. Eating my weight in Laffy Taffy. I can do this. You can do this. We can do this.
Welcome to Monday Morning Commute.
Lindsay Lohan suing Rockstar over ‘GRAND THEFT AUTO’ character
If a Lindsay Lohan overdoses in the Woods, does it make a sound? #PoorTaste #GoingToHell It seems that Lohan is trying to avoid entering the said woods of pop culture oblivion by any means necessary. Her latest endeavor is by suing Rockstar Games over her “likeness” being jacked in Grand Theft Auto V.
E3 2014: ‘GRAND THEFT AUTO V’ dropping on PS4/XB1/PC
One of the worst kept secrets has now transmuted itself into one of the biggest “yeah no shit” announcements at E3. Rockstar games has revealed that Grand Theft Auto V is coming to the Personal Computer, as well as the PS4 and XB1. Which is neat for me, because I dun fucking goofed and didn’t get around to the title when it was released last year.
Rockstar promising “NEXT-GEN RELEASE” this fiscal year. GTA V HD, INCOMING.
JUST LAST NIGHT, I was shooting the shit with my friend. Shirtless, covered in suds, panting and momentarily recuperating in my kiddie pool. “Man”, he said. Chest heaving. “I want a next-gen version of Grand Theft Auto V, I’d play that shit again in a heart beat.” I nodded. “I bet you we’re going to get it announced at E3” I said, as I rolled over burying my face in the Jell-O at the bottom of the pool. He smiled and clambered forth.
Blurst of 2013 – The Faux Bot’s picks
2013 is a landmark year for me in that it’s the first year on record where I am leaving it feeling genuinely bitter and downtrodden. Fuck 2013, man; full of disappointment, heartbreak and embarrassment. It’s the year in which I even turned my back on my beloved games industry, having to quit writing about it because I just couldn’t think of anything positive to say anymore.
Still, amongst the disappointment and fatigue, my natural optimism managed to shine through: finding joy in vinyl toys, the odd game, book or movie and of course plenty of good music. It wasn’t all bad, so let’s start off 2014 as I mean to go on – fucking pumped, bro! PROTEIN BRO!
Monday Morning Commute: AUTUMNAL SPACESHIP GROOVING.
Woo! Look at Killer Mike fucking have at it! From a super-froggy-fresh live performance of “Run the Jewels.” Killer Mike? That’s how I’m feeling on this final day of the long weekend. Nothing like sleeping in late three days in a row to revive the synapses, restore the soul, and pack on an easy five pounds or so. This is Monday Morning Commute, the column where I share the esoteric entities (not really) in my existence that are helping me get through a given week. I spread them all around the ground, pointing at them while shouting “Fuck!, Fuck!, Fuck!, Delicious!” This serves to let you know I love them. After that, you share your dilly dallyings in the comments.
Let’s groove, folks.
‘GRAND THEFT AUTO V’ breaks entertainment record. MAKES $1 BILLION IN THREE DAYS.
Remember that story from a couple of weeks ago about Grand Theft Auto V being the most expensive game ever? Well, that appears to be fucking dust in the wind. Bro. Dust in the wind. The motherfucking franchise has raked in a cool, cool, one-billion dollars. In three days.
