The opening trailer for the recent Playstation 5 reveal caused a brief flicker of excitement as the Rockstar logo appeared; finally, surely this is it, a new Grand Theft Auto game to welcome in the next-generation? Excitement quickly turned to apathy and disappointment amongst many expectant fans as it became apparent that Grand Theft Auto V, first released in 2013 on PS3, was receiving yet another remaster for a next-gen console. Grand Theft Auto Online continues to be a cash cow for Rockstar which they simply won’t stop milking, but how can its enduring popularity be explained?

Read the rest of this entry »

Games as services, bay-bee! Games as fucking transaction machines, bay-bee! Even if you hate both of these models, you better get used to them. ‘Cause they’re the goddamn profit engines for countless gaming companies, such as Take-Two.

Read the rest of this entry »

The boss of Rockstar North, Leslie Benzies, has left the company. I would be worried, except that I generally (and perhaps unfairly) credit the Houser brothers for the classic content produced. Still though — helping to run the Rockstar juggernaut is worthy of praise, and I can’t blame the guy for being exhausted from it.

Read the rest of this entry »

Oh boy. Strike that previous complaint of mine about GTO being nothing special. Grand Theft Auto Online is a separate game. It’s just going to be free to those who buy Grand Theft Auto V. Launching a couple weeks after the release of GTAV (it’ll drop October 1), the game assuredly going to destroy lives and ruin relationships.

The berries, man.

Hit the jump for the trailer.

Read the rest of this entry »

When you’re dying of starvation, you’ll take sort of sustenance. Here is a little, little morsel from Grand Theft Auto V. The roof is going to be blown off this fucker in the next issue of Game Informer, so stay strong. Chew this slowly.

Read the rest of this entry »

There was rioting over the weekend in London and while I didn’t admit it out loud, I had a fleeting idea I knew what was the cause of it. Fluoride in the drinking water, and a switch flipped by the Illuminati to destabilize the area so the Shadow Government could swoop in. In addition, a London newspaper had an equally insipid idea what caused it. GTA.

Read the rest of this entry »

I am but a mortal man this morning. Typically, before conjuring the demons through the phalanges, I take a ritualistic trip. To my favorite distributor of caffeine: the 7-Eleven. My car in the shop, surely being fucked by   mechanical gurus, I am stuck at home. Without the energy drink. I am marooned. The voices are not speaking to me. The eyes of God obscured. Nonetheless, this is Press Start! The gaming column where I recount the five things that caught my eyes this week. The list isn’t indicative of importance, and I encourage you to share in the comments box.

Sharing is caring.

—-

#1: EA Boss: Single-Player Only Games Are Finished.
Look at the image above. Gaze deep into the abyss behind the eyes. His name is Frank Gibeau. And according to your perspective, he may be either the devil, or simply the man willing to speak the truth. Sounding off in an article over at IGN, Gibeua made the proclamation, “I firmly believe that the way the products we have are going they, need to be connected online. Multiplayer is one form of that.” Translation: stop complaining about us shoehorning multiplayer into your beloved games. ‘Cause it isn’t going anywhere, you griping pig fuckers.

I’m still trying to figure out if hes the devil, or simple astute.

I fucking hate how everything is getting a multiplayer stapled onto it. The latest casualty is Mass Effect 3, which is going to see multiplayer shoved into it. Unwelcome penetration. It makes sense though, since BioWare is owned by EA. Everything is connected!

It makes too much business sense to not throw multiplayer into everything. If you share my sentimnent, you’re out of luck. The unwashed masses are clamoring for it. They beg for the ability to shoot people in any setting. With this knowledge in hand, the talking heads will see fit that games like Dead Space and Mass Effect will get stuffed down the gullet with multiplayer.

He is an astute devil.

—-

#2: You Can Buy A Nintendo Guitar. Excessive Nerdosity.
Oh hell yeah! Would there be a better way to complete the heavy metal dork tribute to Dimebag than to drop some Sandblasted Skin across the frets of a guitar built from an original Nintendo? The mind boggles. It’s well accepted that the Dorks and Heavy Metal Meat Heads (I am both, so don’t complain) ovals overlap big time on a venn diagram. Now it’s time to just take it one step closer towards being official. The chaps at GetLoFi will sell you one of these beasts for $150 Imperial credits.

Go on, buy it. Can you really put a price on your dorky awesomeness?

Speaking of awesome constructs: Kinect hack brings self-aware flying machine. Fucking righteous.

—-

#:3 Japanese Virtual Sex Club Lets You Buy Porn Stars, Dildos, Spatulas.
I am constantly amazed at the lengths to which people will go to rocket an orgasm throughout their synapses. People are ridiculous. This musing usually comes as I have an elastic band around my testicles, hanging from the hooks connected from my back to the ceiling. But still. We have to have some standards, right?

Gaming developer DMM.com has revealed the game, “Virtual Sex Club”, and isn’t that a hell of a title? You pay a monthly fee, which affords you 30,000 gold. With this gold, you can go about buying various things. Porn stars, sex toys, even sexual positions. Your gold runs out really fucking fast, which is obvious because you can spend it on everything, up to minutiae like the color of your virtual fuck’s nails.

There’s sexual objectification, and then there’s this. Sweaty hands clicking across mouses, manipulating cursors. Perfecting their virtual fuck.

Now, the moment we can vat grow mindless male and female automatons that are built to our specifications for our fuckery, wake me up. They’ll last a specified amount of time, before evaporating into a cloud, their vat-flesh only a temporary construct. But sadly my future has not arrived yet, and I’m stuck to buying spatulas and banana-shaped dildos instead.

If this Japanese amazement isn’t your speed, you can also buy the game where you slap bugs off your date’s tits to “protect her”.

Read the rest of this entry »