I am not saying that sometimes I whisper ill-coated words at my modem. I’m just saying sometimes I spit hate upon it, raining on it phrases such as “You overpriced piece of shit. You slack-jawed son of a bitch. Just wait, just wait until The Googler Arrives. Then I’m throwing you right in the snow.” Smugly, the modem refuses to answer. It is an arrogant piece of plastic. However, maybe it doesn’t feel comfortable today. The Googler has announced the first major expansion of its Fiber Service.

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I’m stuck with Comcast, staring in utter jealousy at Google Fiber. I have the faint desire to cut the cables behind people’s houses in Kansas City. Only problem? Goddamn Mom took away my bicycle after she caught me smoking rat feces in the alleyway behind the bowling alley. Fucking fascist.

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Good glorious Jesus Christ, Google’s latest venture seems insane. Dubbed “Google Fiber”, it’s all sorts of lightning-quick internet and ridiculous TV options. I have a boner.

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