[Caff note: Pacific Rim spoilers in here.]

I. Preamble

One of the neat things about such a small, tight-knit community is that narratives can begin to grasp hold. Throughout this very summer, the lot of us have discussed the latest crop of Whiz-Bang Hollywood Fecaltainment. As the movies have arrived, we have all received them in a variety of manners.

More than anything, I think I could be typified as generally disappointed by this latest crop. As movie after movie has been released I have been somewhat entertained. But for the most part, I have found them to be ephemeral, forgettable piles of crap.

Butting heads with even my own brother who (whom?) I typically see eye-to-eye with, I began to ask myself why I’ve been so disappointed. I figured I’d use this Opinions Vary to articulate my feelings. Namely, that this summer’s blockbusters have been bereft of Goosebump Moments, and that I don’t (and shouldn’t) accept middling efforts when this very genre is capable of capstone experiences and inspirational wankery.

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It’s a spectacular time to be a Star Wars fan.

George Lucas, perhaps after being visited by some benevolent omnidimensional sojourner, has sold his most beloved franchise. The moment that fans realized Lucas was finally out of the picture, we began to dream. To wonder. To flirt with the idea that the piss-taste that’s been lurking in our mouths since 2005 may very well be washed away. New Star Wars films could be treated with the respect they deserve.

So, what’ve we been promised thus far? A new trilogy. Kasdan and Kinberg. J.J. Abrams. Cameos from members of the original cast. The interest of Hollywood’s finest actors and directors and other personnel. Spin-off, stand-alone movies.

In short, we finally have a newer hope.

Yesterday’s confirmation of the stand-alone flicks was the final nail in the coffin for my cautious optimism. I am now, for the first time in years, reveling in full-on nerdlust at the thought of new Star Wars. And while I have quite a bit of faith that a new trilogy could be beyond excellent, I’ve always loved the idea of free-standing movies taking place within the galaxy that Uncle George introduced back in `77!

Join me as I take a moment to geek-out about the prospect of new Star Wars movies! I’m going to fanboy my way through some of the premises I’d like to see materialize, no doubt getting so excited that my retainer spills onto the keyboard and my Diet Shasta bubbles over. After you check out my ideas, hit up the comments section and describe what you’d like to see during our next voyages to a galaxy far, far away…

Punch it, Chewie!

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I just can’t muster the George Lucas vitriol anymore. So yeah, he took a fat squat all over my favorite franchise of all time. Then he wiped using the original movies that I fell in love with. Dude has also set them free, and donated his loot to charity. Let Uncle George get his Love On.

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Aiight, George Lucas. Just this once, I’ll refrain from cussing your soul out. You’ve made a lifetime of money off of shitty adaptations and action figures, but you’re putting that loot to good use. After selling the Lucasfilm property to Mickey Mouse, you’re parlaying that money into education. This is rad.

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Remember when I told you how like every iteration of Star Wars 1313  was registered as a domain name? Well, now we know what all of those registrations shall be be for. New Star Wars  game! Wee! ‘Cause the last whatever how many since KOTOR  haven’t been mediocre enough for us.

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George Lucas is once again insisting that he is taking all his toys and going home. He is going to distance himself from LucasFilm and return to the smaller, experimental films of hi previous clone body. I am skeptical.

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Oh golly gosh! A new Star Wars  project is coming, tipped off courtesy of some blunt-force domain registrations. Just what is Star Wars 1313? More money for the Fuck Face.

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Call me crazy, but I subscribe to the notion that, since its beginning, the universe has been ever-spreading and everything within its massive expansion has gone along for the ride. Following suit, every initial notion with storytelling potential tends to enlarge exponentially, growing with time and purpose into stories and, if the commercial and/or artistic drive remains resolute, these stories multiply into sequels and beyond. This especially holds true for the interstellar saga from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. After its explosive entrance into the public sphere in ‘77, the Star Wars universe took three years to develop from A New Hope into The Empire Strikes Back, wherein its archetypal characters became more complex and their dilemmas darkened as SW’s expansion followed its primary course into the emptiness of space. But then something changed: George Lucas, supreme author, came down and let there be lightness where the darkness once dominated. And this certifiable change is evident in the trilogy’s finale, Return of the Jedi.

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Forget the Force being strong with me, I need to get down with the  Uzay. Such is the name of a line of Star Wars  action figure knock-offs rolled out in the late 1980s in Turkey. As far as I’m concerned, the Turkish masterminds behind this line of figures were simply cleaning up lore, and elaborating on obvious concepts. Or losing their goddamn minds.

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Fat Lucas, Douche Emperor of the Geek World is spouting off again, this time thanks to promotions for Episode I: Three Dimensions of Suck. Latest crime against his own community? Claiming Greedo always shot first.

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