#September2011
Ice-T Unboxes A ‘Gears of War 3’ Xbox 360 and Lancer. Dude Rules.
Ice-T is fucking awesome. Last year he unboxed Call of Duty: Black Ops, and this year he’s back at it. He unboxes a Lancer, as well as a special edition Gears of War 3-theme Xbox 360.
It’s dope.
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Trailer: Gears of War 3 ‘Dust To Dust’ Trailer Prepares Ye For The End.
I am really fucking stoked for Gears of War 3. I’m going to buy it, mainline some caffeine so the vibrations show me the truth and then play through the campaign with The Latin Buttmaster, resident pederast and coder of OL. This trailer recaps the previous three games or some shit is what people are saying but I can’t remember those games. I just know I liked them, and I like this typical but enjoyable trailer.
Let’s finish the fight! Wait fuck, wrong franchise. Let’s chainsawgun some shit! Byah!
Press Start!: Voice Commands Are For The Bedroom, Not Video Games.
I absolutely love Chez-Its. Nothing relaxes me more than popping down on the toilet mashing a handful of Chez-Its into my gullet while checking my Tumblr on my iPhone. One of the other things I absolutely love is the use of adverbs. Hemingway fucking hates me. On top of those two pure, unadulterated loves of mine is my unremitting love for video games.
That’s why I write this column. Press Start!, the post where I run down five things that happened in the world of video games this week. I’m covered in Chez-It crumbs and ready to vomit verbose into your eye-mind-mouths.
Let’s party, guys!
Cliff Bleszinski Wants To Be Known For More Than ‘Gears of War.’ Good Luck!
Cliff Bleszinski, aka Dude Huge, aka Cliffy B, is the man behind Gears of War. The third installment is coming out this Fall, and by my economic measurements, it’s going to crush the ass of sales charts everywhere. Despite this, Cliffy wants to be known for more than Gears.
‘Gears of War 3’ Teaser For Teaser Is Silly, Pointless, Real.
Epic Games has released a teaser for a teaser they’ll soon be dropping for Gears of War 3. The actual promo will “debut on May 28 during the Champions League Final Match…and during Game 6 of the NBA Eastern Conference Finals in the U.S.” What I find amazing is anyone who actually gets into the storyline for the Gears of War titles. They’re a minefield of hilarious brodude conventions and dickrock tropes. In other words, I fucking love them in some ironic, but not completely ironic, self-aware, but still mouth-breathing sort of way.
Hit the jump for the teaser of the teaser.
Gears of War 3 Gets An Official Release Date!; September 20, It’s Fuggin’ On.
Get your dick nice and hard! Adrenaline-pumping, adolescent chainsaw death raging fuckery! Gears of War 3 has a release date. This son of a bitch is dropping September 20, 2011. I can’t fucking wait. It’s been too long since I suited up as a nice meatheaded HGH-looking motherfucker and taken out some locuts with my giant raging bladed phallus.
Get some!
Dude Behind Gears of War 2 Talks About Jerking Off
Ah, Dude Huge. A man of my own heart. Not only is he the guy behind the HGH-Super-Boner-Testosterone-Fest that is the Gears of War franchise, but he’s also involved with Bullestorm, which is shaping up to be my most retardedly anticipated game of 2011.
How can this dude get any cooler? He can sound like he writes for Omega Level, and use masturbation metaphors to describe gameplay mechanics:
via kotaku:
“I’ll always be a staunch and loyal supporter of everything we do, but at the same time, as a creative, I always know we can do better,” Bleszinski said in the Official Xbox Magazine. “That’s actually one of my criticisms of Gears 2. I think we got a little too hung up on the scripted sequence, and that was always the joke: You don’t want the game to be masturbating…”
You don’t want the game to be…masturbating?
“… There’s a couple of instances where you’re fighting a bunch of guys and suddenly the chopper comes along and finishes them off and you’re like: ‘Fuck! I wanted to finish them off. You just finished the game for me.’ Or certain things with the truck where you can just hang out and let the game play itself without any fail conditions. There’s definitely a note to be taken from that to keep in mind moving forward.”
Preach on, playah! I know exactly what he means, too. There’s nothing worse than taking on some insurmountable boss, and having it cleaned up for you by some scripted sequence. There’s a thin line between epic action sequence, and the game feeling like a ride at Disney, where you have very little input. The difference between OMFG, Epic!, and Yawn, This Is Thunder Mountain.
Gears of War 3: Chicks Can Be Jacked HGH Freaks of Nature Too!
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The cover for this month’s Game Informer is out, and it proves one thing: chicks can be jacked freaks of nature too! Go post-apocalyptic equality! I’ve made my feelings on the Unreal Engine abundantly clear.
Multiple times. But I love it.
I can’t wait for Gears of War 3. It’s going to make my balls hurt with testosterone, and apparently estrogen fury.
Gears of War 3 Trailer: HUGE MUSCLES AND SUPER VIOLENCE YES
Alright, there isn’t much super-violence in this trailer, but there clearly is an insane amount of dense-muscle fiber. I enjoy how they try to make the game so thematic and emotional, when I just want to be killing dudes with my fucking chainsaw gun.
It’s going to be righteous, though. When this drops I’m going to pop a viagra, snort a pixie stick or seven, and party the fuck out!
‘Gears of War 3’ Announced: Get Ready To Roid the Fuck Out, April 2011!
Gears of War 3 has been OOPS announced too early. I was totally shocked that a third installment in a highly successful franchise was coming. I damn near shit my pantaloons.
