#June2018
‘Gears 5’ Trailer: New Lead Protagonist, Same Old Chainsaw Crew
I don’t know, it’s Gears of War. It doesn’t seem to be doing anything necessarily new, but I’m sure it’ll be a competent and fleetingly enjoyable experience.
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Dave Bautista wants to star in the ‘Gears of War’ movie. This is perfect beyond measure
Dave Bautista as Marcus Fenix? Motherfuckers, we have finally found a way to get me to care about the Gears of War movie. Which means, of course, this will never happen. And I mean, they would never do this, but imagine if it was a super self-aware, tongue-in-cheek homage to 1980s action movies? Like 21 Jump Street for bro action. It could be so good, especially with his comedic chops.
Weekend Open Bar: To The Left of Reality
My wife is really good at throwing wood into the wood stove that heats our sunroom during the Winter. Someday I’m going to be typing this from a shelter, or a shack, or my backyard. You see, she’s really good at throwing it. Ashes are really good at flying into the air. Burning embers are really good at hitting the tile, and not the rug.
But woah boy!
Someday them embers are going to hit the rug. I’ve seen it.
But woah boy!
Someday them embers are going to ignite the rug, maybe the dog, definitely the house. I’ve seen it!
In fact, somewhere across the OMNIVERSE, in an incredible amount of Universes, this is happening now.
Somewhere: my pubic hair, which dangles to the ground, is igniting from those embers.
In fact, somewhere across the OMNIVERSE, in an incredible amount of Universes, this is happening now.
Somewhere: my dog, which is also a dinosaur, which is also Jesus Christ, is turning nipple milk into water, drowning those burning embers.
I’ve seen it!
Anyways — until she burns down the house here, until the embers take down this dry ass house in this dry ass state on this perpetually dry ass Planet — until then — I will be celebrating Weekend Open Bar from my couch.
Right here!
Weekend Open Bar! Come come, folks. Celebrate the weekend with me. Come come, folks. Tell me what you’re up to this weekend!
Gears of War is being adapted into a movie; Brotacular Killfest!
Microsoft and Universal are teaming up to bring Gears of War to the big screen. Which makes sense. Since it’s essentially a fucking Fast and Furious franchise with chainsaw guns and monsters. I’m down.
‘Gears of War 4’ Gameplay Trailer: Father, Son, Mucho Murder
Marcus and his kid, man. Just straight killing things together. Quality bonding. I’m jealous. Not how I bonded with my dad, this right here. Generally we “boned” by him defeating me in some physical activity while demeaning my existence for the audience in his head. Man, that, uh, got dark quick. Enjoy the trailer!
‘Gears of War 4’ Multiplayer Beta Hitting April 18
Like all premiere games with a multiplayer component, Gears of War 4 is getting itself an MP beta. Said beta shall be dropping April 18. Will I be playing said MP player? Nah. But those of you barking at the door for it to open, if you will, shitty figurative language, if you will, prepare yourselves.
‘Gears of War 4’ stars Marcus Fenix’s son, takes place 25 years later
Gears of War! Gears of War! Gears of War! I fucking love this franchise, and it its fourth (official) installment may just get me to boot up my long slumbering XB1.
