#May2014
EDGAR WRIGHT has LEFT ‘ANT-MAN’ over creative differences
The MCU was going way too smoothly, right? This was bound to happen. Eventually. Shame that this announcement MAKES MY ASSHOLE QUIVER WITH SADNESS. One of the most anticipated flicks in the MCU with one of my favorite directors has now found that relationship sundered.
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No duh: HBO orders TWO MORE SEASONS OF ‘GAME OF THRONES’
Game of Thrones, or as we call it around the office White People Fucking Their Siblings On Dragons w/Politics, has been renewed for a fifth and sixth season. This shouldn’t be surprising, as the show has slowly begun to consume our pop culture psyche at something like Breaking Badian levels.
Opinions Vary: F**k, Chuck, & Marry: The Helicarrier, Fury’s Eye Patch, Rogers’ Crotch
In case you’re a DUMB IDIOT who doesn’t like COOL THINGS, I’m going to let you know that Captain Canada: The Winter Steamboat comes out tomorrow. There’s a variety of reasons to see the movie. Like, it has special effects, and Natalie Portman. What more could you need? But if you’re a pig like me, you’re only in the movie theater for two reasons. To masturbate and eat popcorn. “So, Caff. What are you going to jerk it to?” That’s a great question, Dad. It’s a difficult choice. And I’ve spent some serious time thinking about it. I can’t jerk off to everything, this little pink nub gets tired. Two hours and twelve minutes? Good god. So I’ve decided to divide my heart into a series of segments. Isn’t that what society wants, anyways? Order imposed on emotion? Limits placed on speeds? Fucking bullshit coupons that can’t be stacked at SONIC for all my fucking hot dogs? Isn’t this what It is all about?
‘SHERLOCK’ Season 3 Trailer: Smugness returns from the dead
Hey, it’s Benjamin Cucumbersnatch and Martin Freedman! They’re back to solve the case of how Sherman came back from the dead to fix his cuffs and act like a smug prick yet again!
(I can’t wait.)
‘WATCH DOGS’ delayed until SPRING 2014. SHITTIN’ ALL OVER MY LAUNCH DAY PLANS
Titty fuck a goose! Goddamn Watch Dogs. Goddamn UbiSoft. The game I was sweating in a sensual coupling with my launch day PS4 has been delayed. What’s next? What’s next!
‘HALF-LIFE 3’ trademark REMOVED FROM EUROPEAN DATEBASE. F**kf**kf**k.
It appears that some sort of malicious douchebag planted that Half-Life 3 trademark application over in Europa or whatever. God dammit.
BLIZZARD trademarks ‘THE DARK BELOW.’ Prolly WoW x Diablo x Starcraft Gem Puzzler.
Sort of stealing the headline from a conversation I had with our own Budrickton, who pointed me towards this news. Blizzard has issued forth another trademark into the world, with this latest copyright stamp bringing me hope of not a Diablo expansion. No no. Nor a WoW expansion. Of course not. But rather a hotfix that allows me to finally bask on the thickened, scar-tissue covered genitals of all my toons. They’ve rode hard. For years.
BROWN UNIVERSITY develops wireless remote for CONTROLLING ROBOTS with your brain. Game over, man.
It has been a fair amount of time since we commented on the Robopocalypse. Here we go. Brown fucking University has developed a remote that allows us to control robots with our dome-pieces. C’mon, Skynet. Just hijack that shit. We are asking for it.
‘DEAD SPACE 3’ features N7 ARMOR and microstransactions. Win some, lose some.
At this point in the dance, continuing to complain about microtransactions in gaming is like me complaining about blood in my stool. It is part and parcel for the area. If I didn’t want blood in my stool, I’d stop soaking my cells in aluminium filings to keep away the Illuminati Mind Control. If I didn’t want to deal with microtransactions, I would stop gaming. Dead Space 3 is the latest culprit in this spreading phenomenon. But don’t cry! It has N7 armor for some of us. Wee!
JAY-Z composing original soundtrack for ‘THE GREAT GATSBY.’ 2013 sucks.
Eddie Pluto kicked off 2013 by bringing this dollop of shit to my attention. I could hear his raspy cackle in my mind as I read through the news, all the while knowing my rage would feed his blackened heart. Fuck. You know, there was a point where I was really excited for the film adaptation of The Great Gatsby. Then there was the period of Hulkian rage when I was exposed to the horrendous trailer. Now? Now I’m just going to buckle-up and try and enjoy the nightmare.
