[OCTOBERFEAST is the greatest celebration of the year, a revelry dedicated to pop-culture’s most nutritious Halloween detritus. Plastic screams and artificial sweeteners have never been more bountiful. In the old country, villagers refer to the extended party as Satan’s Snacktime]

There are those who bemoan society’s current condition. These are the folks who love to reminisce about how much more wholesome things used to be, how everything used to be safe and hearty and family-friendly. You’ve probably seen one or two of these types in the supermarket, waddling through the aisles and grousing about the fact that we live in an era in which goblins and lunatic-geniuses encourage the youth to lose their minds.

If you identify with this perspective, it’s probably in your best interest to steer clear of the OCTOBERFEAST!

That’s right, folks, it is once again time to explore those grimy crevices of Hallow’s Eve often excluded from the prepackaged celebrations! So take a rip of the closest beverage, whether it be pumpkin-beer or your Uncle Edgar’s famous gasoline-Mountain Dew cocktail, and make your way into the campgrounds!

We begin this year’s festivities by issuing a missing persons announcement over the public address system:

Attention! Attention! Has anyone seen Fruit Brute?

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