I put hot sauce on everything. To those unaccustomed to eating with me, the sight must be unseemly. There I am, happy as can be. I sit, content in the slathering of  Sriracha onto everything. As the meal progresses, the hot sauce begins to dominate my porky fleshy husk. My eyes being to water, my nose is running.  Intermittently  as I sweat profusely, I will sniffle up snot goblets sliding on their  mucousy  bellies out of my nose and down my face before sallying forth. Dinner is a battle. I’m fine with this. At least no longer will it be a battle to weaponize my food.

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The latest Mystery of the Universe has been figured out. When astronauts get their lucky asses up off this here Blue Marble, they begin to crave spicy foods. It seems that people didn’t know why, but they ever asked me and I would have explained it to them. They’re closer to Martian brain-wave manipulation. Obviously. Don’t buy my explanation? Some deceiver scientists offer a different one.

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Meet the Exige 270E. This futuristic son of a bitch is a car designed to run off of some of the more refined deliciosities in the universe. A car that can be fueled with chocolate, cheese, and win. This car is single-handedly looking to put France into a famine only the Bible could describe.

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