At first blush, I have absolutely no idea what the fuck is going on in this picture. Let’s take a good look. We have a giant robot looking thing, that seems like something out of Gurren Lagann, fighting some sort of dog-snake-thing. It would be pretty sick if you got to pilot mechs in Final Fantasy XIII. But instead, you’re driving a motorcycle, that is actually Shiva. It doesn’t make any sense to me at this point, and every time I try to watch a video of the combat system I just walk away confused but excited.

There is some sort of epic clash going on here, and someone is driving something. I think it’s probably the hot chick with the red hair from a prior installment of WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THIS FINAL FANTASY XIII SCREENSHOT, but I could be wrong. The battle system seems so kinetic and over the top it is going to gel perfectly with my caffeine addiction, and utter lack of attention span. Oh pretty numbers, and attacks, and deduction of hit points!

HIT POINTS!!!

Hey geeks, what the fuck are you fans of? Deep cleavage, maybe? Oh, you know I’m right? How about spells? You know, CAST FIRE and shit? I’m double right. How about side-portions of breasts?

Now guess what! What if I told you there was a game coming out that had tons of deep cleavage, spells and swords and shit, and side-portions of breasts? You’d probably immediately start laughing at me. Saying oh Ian, you fucking dreamer. Clearly nothing, nothing could contain all of this awesomeness!

Well guess what, you derisive assholes! How about Final Fantasy XIII!!!!

Via the ESRB through Destructoid (with my own added emphasis throughout):

Cutscenes occasionally depict female characters dressed in revealing outfits: Holographic dancers — clad in bikini tops, skimpy leotards, and backless chaps — glide above the city during a festivity performance; flying-motorcycle models wear skin-tight tops that expose FUCKING deep cleavage. And during one elaborate sequence, a female character transforms from a crystal statue back to her human form — sparkle effects,  camera  panning, and shimmering lights partially obscure the nude character, though side-portions of her SUPPLE, GORGEOUS, AROUSING breasts are visible (fleeting–one-to-two seconds).

I’m sure there’s going to be tons of tight buttocks and deep pectoral cleavage for those who also enjoy the male persuasion such as myself. I mean, have you seen Snow’s pecs? They’re enormous. They look like enormous gloating continents of muscle, rippling at you, winking, wanting you to want them. And how can you say no? Can you? I’m sure you can’t.

Swords, dudes with huge pectorals, deep cleavage, totally awesome spells, Bahamut, epic strife and confrontation, like, other cool stuff. I know you’re sweating it. Hold my hand, we’ll endure the wait together.