My initial excitement about an FFVII remake has given way to a stark reality. Namely that Square fucking sucks and they’ll find a way to ruin the remake. Because they fucking suck now and will change things.

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Squaresoft-Enix-Eidos-Whateverthefuck straight trollin’ us now. The Company That Doesn’t Matter Anymore announced today that they’re bringing Final Fantasy VII to PS4. But it ain’t the remake we’ve been clamoring for over the past fifteen years. Just an upscale whateverashit port. Same one that has already dropped on Steam.

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Square Enix likes to laugh at us after farting a sugary dollop of turd on our tongue. This is evident. They could be doing so many fruitful things, but instead they’re making Final Fantasy XIII-3: Lightning Knickers and launching cloud gaming services. It is evident there are no fucks given around those headquarters.

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Tifa’s huge rack and Cloud’s huge sword. It isn’t science (or maybe it is?) why I got behind Final Fantasy VII back in the day. There was flowing breasts and enormous bladed phallic weapons to swing at objects of my desire destruction. My adolescent brain was careening on raw hormone. You see, I regularly destroyed compact discs for no apparent reason. More often than not, I’d crank open my Mortal Kombat II strategy guide and awkwardly rub my groin all over my carpet with odd feelings and gooey groin. This game brought together these two absurd occurrences, and wrapped it up with the emergent teenage sense of wonderment. As Cloud and his rag tag of condemnable terrorists rolled the fuck out of Midgar, the world opened up to them. I couldn’t help but feel the same fucking feeling, with friends getting their licenses and our own world map unfolding before our eyes. Granted, Cloud was saving the world (when not being some sort of eco-Jihadist piece of shit). I was getting fat off of Wendy’s chicken nuggets and cajoling friends into trying to buy porn for me. Cloud and me? Mutually assured bildungsroman.

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Making the rounds today!, a recreation of FFVII’s introductory sequence using the Unreal Engine. Pretty sweet until it goes all First Person Shooter perspective. Keep the dream alive guys, keep it alive.

Hit the jump to check it out.

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Well holy fuck, shit actually seems to be heating up regarding the Final Fantasy VII Remake. Don’t you play with my balls, Square Enix! Don’t you pull this shit again!

Via Kotaku:

Yoichi Wada, the president and chief executive of Square Enix, told Siliconera that the company has heard its fans’ pleadings to remake FFVII, made nearly 13 years ago for the original PlayStation.
“Right now we don’t have a clear direction, but many fans have requested we remake Final Fantasy VII,” Wada said. “We’re going to explore the possibility – whether or not we’re going to do it, if we’re going to do it, and the platform.”

Fans have been asking for it? No shit! I think we began fapping about the possibility way back when the god damn PS2 was announced Get this shit done. Please. Please, God. I beg you.

Cock teasing galore! How many times has a fanboy like myself gotten excited about some hint or reference to a Final Fantasy VII remake? Like, a zillion!

Via Kotaku:

Final Fantasy VII character designer mentioned the prospects   of a FFVII remake, and then FFVII game director Yoshinori Kitase mentioned   how he was never tired of answering questions about FFVII remakes. Now?When asked by game site Siliconera which game FFXIII director Motomu Toriyama would want to remake, he replied, “That would be Final Fantasy VII!””If we had the manpower and the time to work on a project, if we were to remake Final Fantasy VII with the quality of Final Fantasy XIII it would become a tremendous project,” Toriyama continued. “If we can get the number of people we need by all means that would be the one I would really want to remake.”

I have no idea why it hasn’t been done. It’s something like permission to print ludicrous amounts of money. People like me would lose our fucking minds. All my old masturbatory dreams involving Tifa and materia anal beads would be rekindled. C’mon Kitase you, let’s get this shit done. I’ll volunteer as intern. Bring you coffee or whatever and comment that Cloud needs to “look really cool” and Sephiroth needs to “really stab Aeris done well.”