At first blush, I have absolutely no idea what the fuck is going on in this picture. Let’s take a good look. We have a giant robot looking thing, that seems like something out of Gurren Lagann, fighting some sort of dog-snake-thing. It would be pretty sick if you got to pilot mechs in Final Fantasy XIII. But instead, you’re driving a motorcycle, that is actually Shiva. It doesn’t make any sense to me at this point, and every time I try to watch a video of the combat system I just walk away confused but excited.

There is some sort of epic clash going on here, and someone is driving something. I think it’s probably the hot chick with the red hair from a prior installment of WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THIS FINAL FANTASY XIII SCREENSHOT, but I could be wrong. The battle system seems so kinetic and over the top it is going to gel perfectly with my caffeine addiction, and utter lack of attention span. Oh pretty numbers, and attacks, and deduction of hit points!

HIT POINTS!!!

[Every week until Final Fantasy XIII comes out, we’re going to play a game. I post a picture, and we all try and make sense of what’s going on in it.]

Unlike the slow consensual love that Snow makes with me, this picture clearly is rocking some underage buttfuckery. I mean jesus christ, have you ever seen such ill-intent in a creepy mustached dude’s eyes? Just look at this picture. I’m pretty sure that’s 14 year-old Hope in this picture. And that dude who has clearly been carbo-loading for the last nine years has one thing in mind. Rape time, and then a Big Mac. Maybe some chicken nuggets too. Maybe he’s going to try and eat chicken nuggets out of Hope’s innocent hole.

I could be wrong.

I don’t know.

I’m just saying, I’m not a master of Japanese, but I believe the above text translates (roughly) to “Don’t worry, my dungeon has heating.”

I pre-ordered Final Fantasy XIII today. I was in Gamestop just kicking around, and I was like, fuck it. Let’s slap some cheddar on this sexy piece of shit. And I could! I really could! I was sort of thinking the entire “LOL, Final Fantasy XIII is out” was just some delusion I was suffering. I was concerned that my medicine had stopped working and I had been transported to a land of lollipops and happiness. A land where Tiger Woods wasn’t a nerdy geek, but gather the penultimate tapper of ass, and Square actually released video games.

But it’s all real! They took my money and everything. And I have my pre-order receipt right where it’s safe, tucked hastily into my boxer briefs. I swear to anyone who tries and take my baby away from me, I will assail them with a ferocity typically reserved for the wild plains and cage fights. I will sleep with my receipt and I will happily hand it over, caked in love and goop and fluid to whoever is lucky enough to hand me my copy on March 9, 2010.

Shit’s real!

Hey geeks, what the fuck are you fans of? Deep cleavage, maybe? Oh, you know I’m right? How about spells? You know, CAST FIRE and shit? I’m double right. How about side-portions of breasts?

Now guess what! What if I told you there was a game coming out that had tons of deep cleavage, spells and swords and shit, and side-portions of breasts? You’d probably immediately start laughing at me. Saying oh Ian, you fucking dreamer. Clearly nothing, nothing could contain all of this awesomeness!

Well guess what, you derisive assholes! How about Final Fantasy XIII!!!!

Via the ESRB through Destructoid (with my own added emphasis throughout):

Cutscenes occasionally depict female characters dressed in revealing outfits: Holographic dancers — clad in bikini tops, skimpy leotards, and backless chaps — glide above the city during a festivity performance; flying-motorcycle models wear skin-tight tops that expose FUCKING deep cleavage. And during one elaborate sequence, a female character transforms from a crystal statue back to her human form — sparkle effects,  camera  panning, and shimmering lights partially obscure the nude character, though side-portions of her SUPPLE, GORGEOUS, AROUSING breasts are visible (fleeting–one-to-two seconds).

I’m sure there’s going to be tons of tight buttocks and deep pectoral cleavage for those who also enjoy the male persuasion such as myself. I mean, have you seen Snow’s pecs? They’re enormous. They look like enormous gloating continents of muscle, rippling at you, winking, wanting you to want them. And how can you say no? Can you? I’m sure you can’t.

Swords, dudes with huge pectorals, deep cleavage, totally awesome spells, Bahamut, epic strife and confrontation, like, other cool stuff. I know you’re sweating it. Hold my hand, we’ll endure the wait together.

Oh shit, chocobos have turned thirteen. And just like a teenager, chocobos have grown fucking huge, and sport amazing, cheesy mohawks. I fucking dig their new look. They’re goddamn enormous, they dwarf the baddies seen in this scan, and they cum in their pants while they sleep. I may have made that last part up. They actually cum in the hay in the barns they sleep in. Click the picture for the entire scan.

There’s a ton of sweet-ass new Final Fantasy XIII images over at Destructoid.

Gotta give it up to the dialogue they decided to translate:

SHUT UP AND COME QUIET

File under: Not a coincidence. Sorry Fing Fang Foom, or whatever your name is, I ain’t a quiet kind of guy. I usually switch it up between “Shazam, Shazam, Shazam!” or “BY THE POWER OF GREY SKULL” when I’m rocketing an orgasm. As an aside, Fing Fang Foom looks like Rinoa after she decided to defy her parents, and get a shitty tattoo that Jecht from Final Fantasy X was all like “No seriously, you’ll look fucking AWESOME if you get this.”

Never trust a dude with bandana*

(Snake is the exception that proves the rule.)

Oh shit, a new Final Fantasy XIII character! What’s her name?!?!

Oorba Yun Fang.

…

No seriously Ian, what’s her name!

Oorba Yun Fang

…

Square, what the fuck! Seriously, this ridiculousness with your names is getting awful. It’s almost Tekken bad. Well, Fing Fang Foom can summon Bahamut, and she’s also got a retarded tribal tattoo like half the guys at your local gym!

Fing Fang Foom was revealed in a trailer last month or some shit, and you can check out the scan she’s featured in by clicking on this link.

Time Line:

Sony releases the PS3 Slim.

I say to myself, that’s hot as hell. But Ian, you’re broke and unemployed, you can’t afford it.

Gamestop announces you can get 150$ towards a PS3 Slim if you trade in your old PS3. I begin to waver.

Not Sony shows this FFXII Themes PS3 Slim.

My conviction continually wavers. It’s fucking hot. I generally don’t enjoy Game-Themed consoles. I may, it’s not my Final Fantasy XIII-player. It’s a general console. I know it’s irrational, OCD type shit. And I know I’ll hold strong…despite this. Probably. But if I was ever going to buy a themed console. It’d probably be this. Jesus.

Another day, another freakin’ FFXIII video. What the hell is going on. We went years without this game even being mentioned, and now it’s everywhere! I can’t handle it. It gets me too excited. I watch the videos and then I’m all, OMFG YES, IT’S REAL, IT’S COMING, IT’S COMING…And then I just sort of sit there. Waiting. And waiting.

And don’t give me, “You’ve waited so long, you can make it.” I’ve waited for god damn ever! That’s why it’s so painful! Anyways, join me in beautiful misery. Check out the video after the jump.

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The newest Final Fantasy XIII clip to leak from god knows where and uploaded by god knows who to the internet shows clips from the newest trailer that was totally secret and not shown to the public. How do I know? Because I find this at Kotaku and they were like “This is exactly like the stuff we saw and you didn’t. Because it was secret. But we saw it anyways. We saw the secret clip. That you didn’t.” Check out the video after the jump.

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