Oh come off it. You know when you were a teenager, with your hormones giving you boners in Geometry class and your jacking off to .gifs you downloaded in AOL Chatrooms that you loved the speculation regarding the Thing’s cock. It was hilarious to you in Mallrats when the question was raised to Stan Lee.

Well, now old Stan has finally answered the question. Yes, the Thing’s cock is orange. Oh yeah, and he also talks about Reeds’ super hog.

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[images & words is the comic book pick-of-the-week at OL. equal parts review and diatribe, the post highlights the most memorable/infuriating/entertaining book released that wednesday]

At this point, it’s old news: Johnny Storm bit the dust. All that remains of the Human Torch are embers, flickering reminders of a hero that lit up the Marvel Universe for the better part of fifty years. Dedicated readers of OL know that both my brother and I have been wholly enamored of Jonathan Hickman’s Fantastic Four epic. In addition to covering nearly every Hickman-penned issue, I sang praises for The Last Stand of Johnny Storm and then Caffeine Powered offered his own pontification.

So at this point, one has to wonder: can anything else be said?

In reading what is being billed as the final issue of Fantastic Four, it’s clear that Hickman has nothing else to say.

But he’s got plenty to show.

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Spider-Man is joining the Fantastic Four in Future Foundation, the title effectively replacing F4 in the Marvel line. Let’s talk more after the break, where the dying member of the F4 will be exposed. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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[Enlarge]

For months Hickman’s excellent Fantastic Four has been building up to what I’ve assumed is a death to one of the members of the F4. So what happens to them after the Countdown to Casualty hits? It seems a beginning.

Issue one though? Is it a new monthly? Are they rebooting the numbering of F4? I must know! I must! Know!

My ridiculous excitement over this vague teaser is a testament to Hickman’s run on F4. His ability to bring wonder back into the overly status-quo and rote Marvel universe through intergalactic adventures has me sweating the comic book every month. In a world where everything seems beaten to death, and tropes ground into paste, he has managed to make the Marvel Universe feel enormous. There’s potential behind every door, universes to explore. Whatever the fuck this is, I want in on it.

Via.

[images & words is the comic book pick-of-the-week at OL. equal parts review and diatribe, the post highlights the most memorable/infuriating/entertaining book released that wednesday]

Historically, the Fantastic Four has never been my favorite superhero team.

As a young child, I was all about the motherfuckin’ X-Men. Outsiders who help humanity by using the very attributes they’re castigated for having? Ill. Later, I realized that the pantheon known as the JLA was my top choice. Maybe it’s because I’ve been agnostic nearly my entire life, but the convening of these pseudo-gods is appealing in a way that that other team-ups just can’t recreate. In a thousand years, I’m sure incredulous youths will ask their trusted adults, “Wait — these people didn’t really believe in a Wonder Woman or Green Lantern, did they?”

We sure did, Billy. We sure did.

Anyways, back to my point: up until recently, I haven’t given much of a damn about the Fantastic Four. Sure, I liked all the individual characters (especially Ben Grimm) but I just couldn’t get into the group efforts. I was born about sixteen years too late to read a Lee/Kirby production of Marvel’s First Family and as a child of the 1990’s, I routinely saw them being abused.

Witness the horror:

In case you don’t know, that video is forreal. Long story short, it was made simply to secure the movie rights and was never intended to be released. And no, cast & crew were not informed of this minor detail.

But let’s flash forward to 2010 – time has been kind to the Richards/Storm/Grimm squad. The titular book has spent the last year being rocked by such forces as Mark Millar, Bryan Hitch, Dale Eaglesham, amongst others. Characters and stories that can easily deteriorate into lame-ass nerd fodder have been remodeled, crafted into entities that are both heartwarming and throught-provoking.

Fortunately, this week’s release of Fantastic Four #580 sees writer Jonathan Hickman and penciler Neil Edwards perpetuate this wonderful trend.

Over the course of the last few issues, Hickman has been bringing a grand story to a controlled, well-calculated apex. Valeria, the younger Richard child, was visited by a future-incarnation of her older brother who forewarned her about an impending struggle between four cities. Lo and behold, four different civilizations have since appeared before the Fantastic Family. This is the larger structural frame onto which the monthly stories have been assembled.

But what makes Fantastic Four #580 particularly successful is that the reader doesn’t have to study piles of back issues to understand (or care about) the plot. Within the pages of this comic are two readily accessible stories. Intertwining, they offer two glimpses at the same familial unit.

In the first plotline, Johnny Storm takes his nephew Franklin and a mutant friend to a toy store for the new Impossible Man merchandise. In order to sell more action figures, Impossible Man shapeshifts into what is a hilarious parody; a combination of characteristics of both Martian Manhunter and Superman. But it’s not long before the Human Torch realizes that Impossible Man is being manipulated by Arcade, who is trying to turn a profit while murdering children. A battle ensues and the good guys finish on top.

The second embedded tale is of Reed Richards’ search for a brighter tomorrow. Acknowledging that he may be too far rooted in his ways, Dr. Richards assembles the Future Foundation — a group of children from different species that have taken refuge in the Baxter Building, as well as his daughter Valeria. He asks them to come up with an initial project, and they undertake the task of curing Ben Grimm’s orange-rock complexion. As babes with fresh perspectives, the members of the Foundation come up with a potential solution.

As with previous issues, Fantastic Four #580 also includes a two-page interlude that chronicles the future of Nu-Earth. Shit seems kooky, but it’s all building to something. Hell, it’s even been confirmed that the team will look different come September.

I don’t blame you if you’ve never been a fan of the Fantastic Four. They have been…well, fucking dorky. But this is the time to start reading, I assure you. Reed isn’t an introverted loser, he’s a genius with incredible insight. Sue isn’t some invisible wench, she’s a peacemaker. Ben Grimm isn’t just an orange rock man, he’s an orange rock man with a heart of gold. And Johnny Storm…well, he’s still a brash shit-talker, but with an urbanity that enthralls.

I didn’t do this comic justice. Go support the dying print medium and buy Fantastic Four #580.

Yeah, welcome to Variant Covers! I’ve been slacking like a fucking asshole. I have a thick ass stack of stretchy-limbs, sociopaths, mutants and blind dudes with nunchucks to catch up with. Float me this week and I’ll float your boat. Instead of previewing what is coming out this week, I’m going to give you the lowdown on the shit I heartily recommend you check out, if not follow with an insatiable ass-lust.

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Choker:
Choker is the demented love child of Blade Runner and super-vulgarity. It’s super profane, super gritty, superly super. It’s a detective story at the peak of expletive-laden blood-soaked awesomeness.

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Daredevil:
Daredevil. Oh, do I love thee. One man’s internal struggle with his demons made literal, as the bro attempts to control the Hand. This is going to end in tears. Or maybe it already has. Like I’ve said, I haven’t read the latest issue. Inorite? Fuck me.

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Fantastic Four:
Jonathan Hickman is fucking fantastic. Puns ahoy! But seriously. I don’t read enough comic books that can intertwine the intergalactic with the heart. Or really, I don’t read any besides this.

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[Variant Covers is a column every Tuesday that breaks down the various titles coming out that week in the world where Bruce Wayne is a zombie, and Reed Richards taps hot ass.]

Blackest Night #8

Last week I opined like a typical miserable fanboy that I was tired of Blackest Night, and that I didn’t really dig how they wedged in the twist regarding the White Lantern. It wasn’t the fact that Sinestro took the reins for himself, and if I came off that way I certainly didn’t mean to. I suppose it just happened so quickly, at what I felt was the backend of the storyline that it felt forced to me.

But now? Now I’m fucking stoked for the conclusion. I’m bipolar, leave me the fuck alone.

The more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve dug Sinestro becoming the White Lantern. He’s the one dude who called out the Guardians of Oa for being a batch of manipulative douchebags. In his gloriously overwrought speech at the end of Blackest Night #7 he rocks the fuck out, and then he takes the power of the cosmos for himself. You have to hand it to the guy. For suffering being in the middle of the Zombie Apocalypse, he’s having a pretty good day.

So word up! This is the epic conclusion to the last couple of years of plot in the DC Universe, and I’m interested to see where they’re going. The tights-and-capes have a shitload of zombies to take care of in this issue, and then they’re totally turning the page and embracing Brightest Day. What the fuck is Brightest Day? Well, it’s a marketing plot, dummy!

But it’s a new direction they’re taking the entire DC hordes. It’s hard to imagine anything not being brighter than eight-months of Zombie Hawkman ripping out hearts and eating them, though. I mean, he could be tweeking out on meth sitting in a corner shitting himself, and I’d be like, man, he’s doing a bit better. But it’s cool, it’s refreshing. It’s time for some less ponderous shit, no? We just meditated on life and death, good and evil in the darkest way possible. And while yeah, isn’t that what all comic books are about? But let’s do it in a happier manner, maybe Plastic Man can get into a fist-fight with Mister Mxyzptlk or some shit.

Shazam!

A-Team War Stories BA #1

You have to fucking adore comic books. It’s only through them that we’re treated to something like this. This is a comic book complete with a painting of Rampage Jackson, who is filling the shoes of Mr. T in the forthcoming A-Team remake. If seeing an oil painting or some shit of Rampage on the cover of a comic book isn’t enough to sell it, I’m not really sure what would be. It’s ridiculously surreal. I mean, I was bummed with Rampage giving up if only momentarily his career in the UFC to film this movie. But now? I don’t know man, now it makes a lot more sense.

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Yeah well fuck me, I didn’t get this thing up yesterday. No good excuses, aside from poor time management. My brother works seventy-five hours a week and then churns out an Octoberfeast everyday. File under: Why  Pepsibones has a 4.0 and I’m a slacker. Let’s do this anyways.

Every Monday I’m going to detail the various things I’m either currently or will be watching, reading, playing, and listening to in the next seven days. It’s Monday. You’ve got a long week of school, work, or compulsive masturbation to get through. Tell me the arts that you’re indulging in, to stave off suicide.

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