Now I know how you can make Fallout: Obsidian Sucks palatable to me. Mash it up with Hotline Miami in some banging pixel art.

Hit the jump for the full thing.

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Somehow. Some fucking how, Obsidian has raised nearly $4 million on Kickstarter. Color me flummoxed. All I know the good folks over there at that gaming company for is shitting out sequels to cherished games.

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Obsidian Entertainment. The company that (to me) took a fat shit all over the KOTOR and Fallout franchises. Twice being tagged in to come up with sequels to beast mode wunder-titles. Twice defecating. Everywhere. Now they’re developing for an enormous animation franchise or something. I feel bad for this foolish company.

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Today Bethesda announced the first round of Fallout: New Vegas DLC. The add-on, titled Dead Money is going to be hitting the 360 exclusively on December 21. Oh goody! Hopefully by then, the first comprehensive patch will be out for FNV that’ll actually turn the piece of software into a functioning game! Then this DLC will bring to us wasteland wanderers a whole new slew of glitches, game freezing bugs, and quirks.

I’m being bitter.

What’s actually in this DLC?

Kotaku:

The 800 Microsoft point pack has players working alongside three other captured wastelanders to recover the treasure of the Sierra Madre Casino. The download add-on includes new terrain, foes and choices, according to the Bethesda Softworks press release.

“We’re pleased to give fans a chance to expand their experience in Fallout: New Vegas this December with Dead Money,” said Pete Hines, VP of PR and Marketing for Bethesda Softworks. “The release of Dead Money illustrates our commitment to creating entertaining add-on content for players to enjoy in already massive games like Fallout: New Vegas.”

I’m going to buy it. Of course I’m going to buy it. If you’ve learned anything about me while browsing this website for an extended period of time, it should be two things. First, my love for Fallout transcends bugs and glitches and even mediocre side installments. Here’s looking at you, New Vegas! And secondly, I have no principles when compared to curiosity and more specifically to new installments of things I love. So while I feel I maybe should like, pretend to boycott this DLC because Obsidian released FNV with more glitches than can be counted, I can’t.

So I’m not even going to pretend.

I absolutely love the Fallout: New Vegas wiki. ‘Cause yes, despite my griping, I’m totally into the video game. I don’t contribute anything to it, but I’m ecstatic that every time I have a question about a quest or a location, I can hit up the site and it’ll do my bidding. I’ve always been amazed at how fucking dedicate the people updating it are. Now I know specifically how god damn insane these fellow wastelanders’ work ethic happens to be. In the first week of the game’s release, there were 475,000 man-hours logged on the FNV wiki.

Jesus Christ.

Destructoid:

According to the magic of traffic-measurement tools, it seems that the unofficial Fallout: New Vegas wiki logged over 475,000 man-hours work within less than a week of the game’s release. Traffic spikes hit Wikia’s servers harder than a ground zero detonation, registering some 2.5 million visitors over that period – seven times the normal amount for the network. Fans created and edited hundreds upon hundreds of pages of information full of everything from quest walkthroughs and item locations to obscure trivia and bug reports.

Kudos, you hard working dorks! Now get back to slaving away on it, I have questions. That need answers. Now!

Despite all my lamenting about Fallout: New Vegas, last night had me running around out of my god damn mind. Giggling, like a motherfucking mad man. I have this issue where when I make someone explode with a violent weapon, it induces all sorts of insane glee in the bowels of my soul. Nothing makes me happier than launching a concussive blast sent to dismember and liquefy someone dumb enough to cross my path.

I noticed this dementia when playing through Fallout 3. I was playing the game while Mrs. Caffeine Powered looked on, and eventually I began to notice she looked worried. Shrug. I continued playing. But the fretting continued! What the fuck was this shit. She looked uncomfortable. At some point I noticed that every time I shot someone with my gauss rifle, the poor son of a bitch would be sorted into a bunch of bloodied and mushy parts. Smashed, vaporized, and sent flying through the air.

However, the next connection was even more important. Every single time that I ripped some errant douchebag apart with my rifle, I laughed. Out loud. To myself. Every single time. I don’t know why I was laughing out loud. You see, when I play by myself, usually these exploding bodies just make me smile. Broadly, and with empty, insane eyes.

Perhaps I was trying to convey my enthusiasm to my girlfriend. “You see honey! Do you see how they explode into bits! I did that! For you! Isn’t it fantastic? SAY YES OR I’LL HIDE YOUR BODY SO WELL.”

This sort of head-exploding nightmare dance party hadn’t really gotten underway in my playthrough of New Vegas. Until last night. Yes, last night I was finally reunited with my favorite wasteland friends: power armor, and a gauss rifle. It was a reunion drenched in blood and hugs. I suited up, loaded up, and shimmied my way through my pirouetting dance of death. Finally, New Vegas had begun to make sense to me.

Fire! Slow-motion explode. Body parts everywhere. Smile. Fire! Concussive blast liquiefying a body. Smile. Fire! My smile broadened and broadened. Life was good. I let it be known to frequent commenter The Dude exactly how I was feeling about my current situation in the Wasteland.

12:02:26 AM Ian: I’m clad in power armor, wielding a gauss rifle. I can hear the voice of god screaming murder.

Exceptional! There’s something about an exploding body that just speaks to me. It’s probably speaking to all the broken synapses held down and pinned into something resembling functioning by anti-psychotics, but who is keeping track? Those synapses need attention too.

Ah, easter eggs! I’ve never actually found one, but I’ve always imagined myself stumbling across one and feeling like a fucking boss. But I don’t. However, a Kotaku reader was playing thorugh New Vegas when he stumbled upon the very corpses of those dumb asses Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. You know, the selfish pigs who wouldn’t let Luke go pursue his dreams. According to the article, the corpses of these two assholes holding back the god damn dopest, whiniest Jedi ever, can be found on the dusty trail outside of Nipton. I’m there!

And a good god damn. I knew that I was going to love Fallout: New Vegas. I just didn’t realize that it was going to cater to someone as warped and depraved as myself. Like, seriously. This game is going to feature (suggestions only, unfortunately) robotic fisting? You have to be god damn kidding me.

ESRB Rating via Destructoid:

There is also an extended sequence suggesting (no depiction) sexual activity with a robot (e.g., “Fisto reporting for duty . . . Please assume the position,” “I suppose I should test you out . . . Servos active!” and “Something wrong with someone if they got to f**k a machine.”).

Fucking stupendous. I wish I could describe to you how funny I find the suggestion of getting fucked by a robot, or more properly, fisted by one. And the fact that this is being featured in a big market game makes me hopeful that someday when the world of overrun by the robot apocalypse, they shall spare a whole legion of people like me, who were way ahead of the curve on the idea of Robot-Human fluid-based interfacting.

[pixelation | weekly gaming & life column every wednesday or uh thursday or even more uh, friday]

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Oh god dammit. I was curious yesterday as to how my gaming schedule was going to look this Fall. I knew that Vanquish and Fallout: New Vegas were dropping close to one another. I just wasn’t sure how close. And that shit is integral for a variety of reasons. Namely, money and time. It seems like a lot of bullshit comes down to money and time.

So I cue up Gamestop.

Flip between the two pages.

And that’s when I realize that I’m fucking fucked in the fuckhole.

Son of a bitch!

Why do the gaming gods hate me so? Droppin’ two of my favorite games on the same day? Not only is it monetarily Super Rape Time to even contemplate getting the two games on the same day, but it’s also completely impossible to consider squeezing any sort of Super Action Mech Time into my Wasteland wandering. Son of a bitch!

…Motherfuckers, too. If this was last year I’d just pick them up on the same day, and watch as my backlog swells while my wallet diminishes. Don’t tell my girlfriend or parents, but I think I’ve shown some maturity in realizing something: I need to pick one and put off the other. I think I may be evolving. I mean, let’s not go crazy, I’m probably going to publish this article and then go masturbate before playing two hours of Modern Warfare 2.

But hey man, progress is slow.

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Motherfucking Wayne Newton is going to be in Fallout: New Vegas. It wasn’t like I needed another reason to be excited for the next Wasteland Party Romp, but with the reveal of the voice acting, god dammit I have it.

Kotaku:

Newton is in the game as the disembodied voice of a radio DJ long dead. Which is a bit of a shame. You’d think that were an atomic apocalypse to strike, the only things that would survive in Las Vegas would be cockroaches and Wayne Newton. And maybe Cher,

Other actors signed to lend their vocal talents to the game include Kris Kristofferson, Felicia Day, Ron Perlman, Michael “Worf” Dorn and…Matthew Perry.

Good god damn! Wayne Newton and every nerd’s dream girl Felicia Day in the same voice acting class?