Ernie Cline is not a good writer. RPO was a decent, enjoyable pastiche. I read the description for Armada and laughed out loud. And yet despite both of those bullshit notes, I’m glad he’s making bank off of his cheap peddling of 1980s nerd nostalgia. ‘Cause that’s pretty much what I wish I was doing in life.

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The long-in-development adaptation of Ernie Cline’s Ready Player One finally has a release date.

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Hello friends. Nuzzle your bunghole close to the center of your leather seat here aboard the Mothership, and grab a beverage. This here is Monday Morning Commute, the therapy session where we all discuss the various arts, crafts, beverages, and bloat-inducing burgers that are helping us through this thing called Existence. Oh me? I’m just wallowing away here on break from work. My days have slide into nights, vampire weekends into a vampire existence. I’ve broken the noon wake-up call a couple of times, and my self-loathing is spiking. You’re all beautiful.

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“I shouldn’t’ve done this. She’s not safe by herself. We gotta go back.”

“Dammit Greg, we haven’t had a date-nite in thirteen weeks.”

“You’ve been keeping track?”

“Of course I’ve been keeping track. Date-nite is a sacred event, a testament to the wonder that is our relationship. There’s compromise – you choose the movie, I choose the restaurant. There’s chivalry – you hold every door and pay for everything, even when I protest. And there’s sex – we always end the evening by rolling around in bed, expressing our physical attraction by playing with each other’s ballsacks. We need this.”

Greg paused. He wanted to feel okay about leaving his mom at home, but he couldn’t. Dale saw this, and continued making his argument.

“Listen, your mother’s going to be fine. She’s just old, and sometimes that means she gets a little confused-”

“A little confused? Yesterday I poured myself a glass of a milk and she said that she never knew Martians could handle Earth-dairy.”

“I’m sure she was just joking around.”

“Oh yeah? Then why did she part the curtains, point out the window, and exclaim, ‘Looks like, we’ll be touching down on Ganymede in no time! Quick! Put on your spacesuit! If the admiral catches you out of it, he’ll stick you with kitchen-duty!’?”

Dale knew his boyfriend had a point. But couldn’t give up. Selfishly, he wanted dinner and a movie, followed by sex. More altruistically, he honestly didn’t think Greg’s mother was in any jeopardy.

“Greg, if I thought there a serious risk that Rhonda would hurt herself, I wouldn’t be in the car with you right now. But she’s fine — you put her to bed and watched her fall asleep. You know where she’s going to be when we get back? In bed, sleeping! Probably dreaming about traveling the solar system in a rocketship, but in bed nonetheless. We’ll check in to see her peacefully sleeping, sneak into the kitchen for a piece of that rum cake you spent all afternoon baking, and then hit the bedroom.”

Dale kissed Greg on the cheek, and all was well. Greg had been mollified. Date-nite was still ready for lift-off.

And then the panic-gazelles stampeded across the Great Plains of Greg’s face.

“Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!”

“What’s the matter?”

“Fuck, we have to go back right now! Dale, turn the fucking car around!”

“Greg, calm down! What’s wrong?”

“I’m so stupid! I was so fucking caught up in putting Mom to bed that I forgot take the cake out! I forget to turn off the goddamn oven! D’ya know how much alcohol I put in that cake? The fucking house is going explode!”

[][][]

Rhonda Bilkes crossed the threshold, excited for the mission at hand. She’d been to Ganymede to Mars and even Pluto. But never had she been tasked with surveying the Sun.

Oh, she could already feel the wonderful solar heat penetrating her spacesuit!

—-

Welcome to the Monday Morning Commute!

This is the spot I drop a whole bunch of nonsense, and then show off the various ways I’ll be entertaining myself during the course of the workweek. Hey man, don’t blame me! I’m a hack-writer and I’ve got duties to fulfill! Anyways, your job is to hit up the comments section and share the methods of life-improvement you’ll be employing.

It’s show-and-tell for pop-culture addicts, basement-dwelling-nerds, aspiring artists, and all others who count themselves amongst the OL faithful.

Let’s rock!

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