#October2013

‘EPISODE VII’ Rumor: ABRAMS is now WRITING because he is THROWING OUT LUCAS’ PLOT OUTLINE

Still -- fuck this guy.

—wa—wait. The reason that J.J. Abrams is jumping aboard Episode VII writing duties with Larry Kasdan is because they’re throwing out Uncle George’s shitty outline? Well, why didn’t you fucking say so? If that’s true, I’m all aboard. In fact, I’m the conductor of that fucking train.

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JJ ABRAMS (AND LAWRENCE KASDAN) NOW WRITING ‘EPISODE VII’, replacing MICHAEL ARNDT. Oh GOD.

J.J. ABRAMS.

Darkness. Darkness descending. My favorite refrain of “Oh man J.J. Abrams is a good director, but I’m glad he isn’t writing Episode VII” is no longer applicable. 

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‘STAR WARS’ RUMOR: DARTH VADER TV SPECIALS PLANNED.

Darth Vader.

Darth Vader TV specials? Hmm. They’re pretty much just going to consist of Darth Vader walking around like Sad Keanu muttering, “Padme…Pad…me? Buh-buh-buh what about Padme?” while Palpatine regrets saving his ass. Right?

(Hit the jump for actual info.)

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‘STAR WARS: EPISODE VII’ WORKING TITLES REVEALED. WOW OR SOMETHING.

Star Wars.

I don’t really give a fuck about the titles for any Star Wars movie. If I’m being frank, the only one that really is entrenched in my heart is Empire Strikes Back. So while these two working titles don’t do anything for me (and they may not stick), I don’t really put much stock in their importance.

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‘EPISODE VII’ NEWS: SAOIRSE RONAN talks about AUDITIONING WITH LIGHTSABER

Saoirse Ronan.

As I’ve already stated, Saoirse Ronan kicks fucking ass. She holds it the fuck down in Hanna. Which if you haven’t seen, correct that shit immediately. So when word drops that she auditioned for Episode VII, and it involved a lightsaber?

Fugg yeah.

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J.J ABRAMS has APOLOGIZED for LENS FLARES. Self-Awareness++

J.J. ABRAMS.

Despite all my shit talking of Abrams (perhaps misguided because it’s the plot for STID that I so loathe), I’m excited for the dude to be doing Episode VII. So when he comes out and directly addresses his over use of lens flares, I can only get a bit more excited. Self-awareness? I’ll take it.

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RUMOR: Saoirse Ronan to be ‘EPISODE VII’ VILLAIN.

Saoirse Ronan.

Dope young actress rumored to be holding down the villain spot in Episode VII. I can get behind this. What do you folks think?

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‘STAR WARS’ SPIN-OFF FLICKS will be ORIGIN STORIES. Mehnothanx

Hamillllllll.

Yeah maybe these movies will be decent but I’m not feeling yet another set of origin stories in the Star Wars universe. I’d rather they throw us some Kenobi nuggets from when he was protecting Luke, or like, issuing destruction during the Clone Wars or whatever. I don’t need to see Han Solo find Baby Chewie.

(I’ll still love it probably okay fuck you.)

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NO SH*T RUMOR: The MILLENIUM FALCON will “play a role” in ‘EPISODE VII.’

No shit.

Does this surprise you? Does it knock the hair off your labia? Does it hardened your nipples and/or testicles? ‘Cause it seems pretty obvious to me. If James James Abrams is getting the entire original cast back together for Episode VII, why in tarnation wouldn’t the Millenium Falcon be involved? So why am I covering this? ‘Cause I fucking love Star Wars!

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‘STAR WARS: EPISODE VII snags first RUMORED TITLE.

Star Wars.

Star Wars, what the fuck? Dropping news on a Sunday. The first football Sunday! I had to put my pants on, pull out my Aaron Rodgers butt plug, and scuttle across the room to report the news. It appears that Episode VII has its first rumored title? What do you think? Imma leave this here, plug back in, and watch some foosball.

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