#September2013
‘STAR WARS: EPISODE VII’ casting call REVEALS THREE roles. NO PORKINS GHOST WTF
An Episode Abrams casting call has revealed three roles. But there’s a problem. No Porkins. No fucking Porkins? In my mind, for my fucking money, Porkins is the most obvious Force-sensitive character in the SWU. Clearly he was never caught (not recruited, they were predators) by those Jedi pricks. However, I always sort of envisioned he’d come back as a Force ghost. Maybe Episode VIII?
No Comments
Rumor: BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH cast in ‘EPISODE VII.’ Wee for homogenous culture!
I really like Benedict Cumberbatch. I would have really liked him in Episode VII. I still may. However if these reports are true, I really hate the idea that Star Trek and Star Wars are going to share both a director and a huge-name lead. Imma go ahead and try and keep my PMA, but there is something uncomfortable about the whole thing. (Yeah I know I’ll forget all those concerns the first time I see a fucking lightsaber ignite, okay?)
‘EPISODE VII’ Rumor: Movie is dropping in DECEMBER of 2015. Ho-ho-holy shit?
Aw man! Underhand pitched that stupid headline! Swung so hard I cracked vertebrae! Whatever. I don’t care. The latest Star Wars: Episode VII: Abrams’ Controls My Heart rumor is that the flick isn’t dropping in May of 2015. This doesn’t surprise me very much. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Every movie in the franchise has arrived in May. But they ain’t cast anyone for this fucking flick, let alone started filming it. So December? Makes sense to me.
‘EPISODE VII’ Rumor: EWAN MCGREGOR returning AS OBI-WAN KENOBI
The whole gang is back! The whole fucking gang! It appears that Ewan McGregor (I’m going to choose to believe this report) will be returning as a Force Ghost in Episode VII. Me? I’m fine with this. Rendar? Definitely sporting a bulge in his skinny fit jeans. He’s been talking about wanting for for a while.
‘EPISODE VII’: Here’s how the F**KING EMPEROR COULD RETURN
This is still a rumor. But frankly, Hollywood is so unimaginative and committed to exploiting past successes that I don’t doubt it in the least. I mean, why till new ground?
Rumor: IAN MCDIARMID returning for ‘EPISODE VII.’ EMPEROR PALPUTRID.
One of my gravest fears regarding Episode VII is that it will traffic in nostalgic and throwbacks. It won’t carve out its own niche in a flourishing Universe, but rather go full Abrams and regurgitate tired tropes and been-done characters. This latest rumor only heightens that fear.
‘EPISODE VII’ RUMOR: RYAN GOSLING and Zac Efron UP FOR ROLES
I feel like I have to apologize every time I write about an Episode VII rumor. Listen. As the teenager hip people say: sorry I’m not sorry.
LUCASFILM: ABRAMS AIN’T LEAVING ‘EPISODE VII.’ FARACI shrugs, PAGE VIEWS INTACT.
I probably shouldn’t criticize Devin Faraci for drudging up nonsense rumors, when I covered those same rumors. Whatever. I get three page views a day, and make no money. Faraci gets paid, and seems to generally giggle while stoking the flames of geeks across the internet. Wielding the hammer of God (or Thor, their parent company owns him), Lucasfilm has smote the rumors that Abrams is leaving Episode VII.
Rumors: ABRAMS considering dropping ‘EPISODE VII’, ‘THOR’ writers penning THIRD ‘STAR TREK’ film?
I find it highly fucking likely that J.J. Abrams is going to drop out of Episode VII, but apparently that is the rumor making the rounds. YesIrealizethatIamnobetterthananyone by perpetuating this potential fart in the echo chamber. I get that. However as a Trek-Wars dork, I find any and all speculation to be a degree erotic.
Opinions Vary: J.J. ABRAMS AIN’T THE PERFECT FIT FOR ‘STAR WARS’
Coming out of Star Trek Into Unnecessary Reveals, a slow rolling realization swept over me. J.J. Abrams wasn’t unquestionably awesome. In fact, he was becoming the master of Smug, Self-Satisfaction courtesy of Contrived, Forced Mysteries. Don’t get me wrong. He can get great performances out of folks. He can cut a mean set piece. However, there are other concerns. As I sat stewing, wanting to chop him and the entirety of the Bad Plotting team in the fucking neck, I began to get concerned. You see, this is the ass clown who is the official steward of The Franchise.
I was concerned.
After much ruminations on the topic – involving Divinations courtesy of Blood Letting, Tin Foil Hats, and countless conversations with our own Eduardo Pluto – I’ve come to a conclusion. Abrams ain’t right for Star Wars. Or, at the very least he isn’t the Glory Be Messiah that I (I will take culpability for jizzing all over his initial announcement) originally ordained him to be. Here’s the deal: Abrams could knock it out of the park. Episode VII could rule. I’m allowing for that possibility. But this OV is dedicated to the delineation of my various anxieties involving Captain Lens Flare and Self Back-Patting.
