If anyone were to describe Bulletstorm as juvenile retarded crap, I would respond by saying, “Seriously, I know. It’s going to be tremendous.” I respect the fuck out of Epic Games and People Can Fly by embracing the retarded juvenile Rob Liefeld wet dream that this game is, and marketing the fuck out of it that way. I don’t know how many trailers I’ve seen where the main character says something like “combos that will make your butthole pucker.”

If I had to guess, I’d say: not enough.

Hit the jump for the trailer.

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Oh Bulletstorm. God I want this game. Their marketing campaign is fucking outstanding. There are the Bulletpoints bits they’ve been rolling out, and now there’s this. Remember those totally artsy Halo advertisements with the dioramas of the battlefield? Yeah, Bulletstorm and the gurus behind it take aim at those ads. With figurine projectile vomiting. It’s fucking amazing.

Hit the jump for the video.

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The newest Bulletpoints came out today, in hype of Bulletstorm, and if you thought the first one was great, wait until you see this. Dude Huge pontificates on his grandfather telling him he can do anything. It also features the phrase “blow out a man’s asshole.”

Hit the jump for the video.

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If you guys aren’t down with my fawning over Bulletstorm, shit is going to get  a bit bumpy around here. The lovefest continues with a second post today. Epic Games has released this absurd trailer, which is centered around Epic Games’ president Mike Capps in the shower. Riffing on the old Saturday Night Live skit “Deep Thoughts”, Capps wonders what goes through the head of someone he kicks off the side of a building.

Absurdity.

Hit the jump for the trailer, which is only the first of (hopefully) many Bulletpoints.

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I was pretty certain that Bulletstorm was the video game equivalent of my soul mate. Now I’m fucking certain. The ESRB released their description of the game, and it is filled with all the wonders and horrors that could come out of my caffeine-soaked skull should I be conjuring my most whimsical desire. Take it away ESRB, you assholes!

During the course of the game, players can consume alcohol and kill enemies in order to receive an Intoxicated Skillshot; the screen turns blurry during these sequences. The dialogue contains numerous jokes and comments that reference sexual acts, venereal diseases, and having sex with one’s mother.

Alright, we’re already on our way to a juvenile fluid-fest of my most fervent nocturnal emissions. But it gets better. Take it away, puerile masters!

The names of some Skillshots are infused with sexual innuendo (e.g., Gag Reflex, Rear Entry, Drilldo, Mile High Club); one Skillshot (i.e., Fire in the Hole) allows players to shoot at enemies’ exposed buttocks.

It’s official. This game is offensive. Awesome. Juvenile. Awesome. Insane. Awesome. I can’t fucking wait.

Via.

The fucking Bulletstorm fucking trailer features fucking Nine Inch Nails, fucking insane amounts of guns, space pirates, and fucking giant plants that fucking eat shit! I’m fucking pumped! Fuck!

No seriously, this game looks god damn ridiculous. It’s climbed to the top of my “Do Want” list. It’s an FPS for the No Attention Span, Strung Out On Energy Drinks generation. So pretty much a game designed for me. Just watch the trailer, and if you don’t like it, punch yourself in a soft and sensitive spot. Check out the trailer after the jump.

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The cover for this month’s Game Informer is out, and it proves one thing: chicks can be jacked freaks of nature too! Go post-apocalyptic equality! I’ve made my feelings on the Unreal Engine abundantly clear.

Multiple times. But I love it.

I can’t wait for Gears of War 3. It’s going to make my balls hurt with testosterone, and apparently estrogen fury.