If this ain’t Variant Covers, then I’m fucking lost. Welcome to the weekly column where I haphazardly stare at the release list of this week’s comics and pick out the titles I’m sweating. Most of them it’s the usual shit! But who cares. It’s summer time, and the living is easy. Or at least I don’t feel bad for sweating through my shitty t-shirt for once, since I can just blame it on the weather and not my glands and caffeine addiction. After that fourth energy drink of the day I’m literally slathered in crevice juice. Crevice juice.

Secret Avengers #1
As I mentioned last week, we’re entering the Heroic Age. And no Age would be complete without seventeen Avengers titles to back it up, would it? So without having read them all, I’m going to blindly and foolishly tell you this: if you’re only going to read one Avengers title, pick this one up? Ed Brubaker has consistently rocked out on both Dardevil and Captain America through the years. The answer to the trivia question, “Who could bring Bucky back to life and not have it suck” will always be Eddie. And then there’s Daredevil. I can’t remember a more tortured and nuanced dude than Matty, and Brubaker took the reins from Bendis back in the day and it was a seamless transition.

So no, I don’t know what the fuck is going on in this title. Coming off of Siege, Steve Rogers ain’t no American captain anymore. Instead he’s dubbed some bullshit like “America’s Top Cop” (he’s Nick Fury), and apparently these are his Avengers that are also a secret. This is your on-ramp to the title, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to be the same as every other first-issue of a JLA or Avenger’s title these days: just the means through which the team comes together. For better or worse.

Around the Marvel Universe, there’s some other legit stuff dropping you might want to check out. For starters, there’s Fantastic Four #579. And if you read this column even semi-regularly, you’ll find me throwing rope over Hickman’s rendition of Marvel’s first family all the time. Buy this comic book, share it with your friends. Incontrovertible proof that Reed Richards can be more than a douchey guy in the Fox movie. I promise. Then there’s the latest issue of Thunderbolts, which has Luke Cage running the team.   And Juggernaut? What the fuck?

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Speaking of Cain Marko, what the fuck is that guy up to these days? Besides being on the Thunderbolts, apparently. I remember when I was growing up Juggernaut seemed so fucking cool. I mean, he was a guy who could run a lot, and smash stuff with his head. As a kid, this was precisely what I spent most of my time doing. Running into shit, and smashing my head. The idea that it would make me a bad ass, and not make girls laugh at me as my size 15 feet tripped was comforting.

Also, where’s my Juggernaut/Juggalos cross-over? This seems like an untapped brand, right here. What happens when the Juggernaut becomes a Juggalo? It seems like it almost makes too much sense. Let’s get this shit done!

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Sense and Sensibility #1
I’m pretty sure that if this comic book doesn’t feature zombies, no one is going to read it. Sry, yo! No seriously, who in their right fucking mind is going to buy this comic book? Academic geeks like me? Natch. I just spent five months reading British women’s literature from this time period. I have no desire to see this novel drafted panel by panel. Girls? Double natch. They’re all iCarly and shit. They don’t need to walk into the creepy comic store dungeon with their father and pick this up. So uh, who exactly? Completionists? Pedophiles? Maybe.

Is this some sort of reverse cash-in? With Pride and Prejudice and Zombies making everyone go fucking bananas, did they think that maybe slipping out another Jane Austen book in comic form, sans zombies, could drum up some interest? Who knows. I had to listen to the professor from said class drone on and on about how misogynistic P&P&Z despite the fact that a) half the class was female and b) they had dug it. So if anything, I’ve learned something about Sense and Sensibility from this exercise: if it’s not being misogynistic, it’s going to be too boring for people to pick it up.

(Don’t hate on me, I actually enjoy Austen.)

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After the events of Marvel’s Civil War, Steve Rogers aka Captain America was going to be tried for treason. Dude didn’t want to cop to making it mandatory that every superhero register their identity with the government. Before the guy could be tried though, he was totally killed, and sent into the time stream.

Having come back though, he was pardoned by Barack Obama in the pages of the funny book. And then someone got the actual Barack Obama to sign the page where it occurs. Amazing. I came across this today via Ed Brubaker’s Twitter feed. If you don’t know who Ed Brubaker is, he’s the dude who knocks it out of the galactic ballpark every month with his work on Captain America, amongst other things.

Captain America Reborn: Who Will Wield The Shield [One Shot]

I’m not really sure what’s going on with Marvel and their handling of the return of Steve Rogers. You see, the dude hasn’t even came back in Captain America: Reborn, and he’s already running about in Invincible Iron Man, and this week sees the release of Who Will Wield the Shield. I’m not sure how this is coming out prior to the final issue of Reborn. I know that they had to add an extra issue to Brubaker’s storyline, and that’s absolutely fucking stellar in my book. Brubaker’s event has me sold, man. The whole thing is a sprawling time-warp mindfuck that has at last issue, left Steve Rogers and the Red Skull throwing haymakers at one another. In the Red Skull’s mind. Hell to the yeah. My medicine is telling me that it’s okay to like big super events these days, if they’re done right. Ed Brubaker sir, you do them excellent. But I would be a happier panda if they released them in, I don’t know, a sensible order?

Brubaker also has the ability to sell me on issues I would otherwise find to be money grabs and superfluous. Take for example Who Will Wield the Shield. Now…is there anyone who thinks that Steve Rogers isn’t going to come up brandishing the Circular Icon of Patriotism? Egg on my face if I’m wrong, but c’mon. He’s Steve fucking Rogers. The Aryan Posterchild who was the only guy strong enough to stop The Guy Championing Aryan Posterchildren.

That said, I’m pretty fucking bummed that Bucky ain’t going to be championing the mantle anymore. He was an interesting chap, to say the least. It is always entertaining to see someone else reinterpret a symbol, either modifying it for their own uses, or simply accepting what the symbol was considered before. Barnes wore the mantle as an oath to the pinnacle of American Idealism. He seemed more dedicated to maintaining the legacy of his his best friend/hero’s life than he was in upholding American ideals. They came as an accessory to the main thrust of his existence as Captain America.

Image United #2

If you grew up in the 1990’s and were a comic book nerd, you have to be the saltiest of haters to not have at least a passing interest in Image United. I mean c’mon, haters. It’s featuring artwork by six of the original Image founders, and covers by the seventh, Jim Lee. It’s got all those comic book characters you fucking fawned over when you were like twelve. I’m not going to front, I was all SPAWN FOR LIFE KID back when I was in high school. I also wear JNCO jeans and used Sun-In to dye my hair orange. Time passes and you change.

But it’s so god damn intriguing, I can’t help but read it. It also stars the original Spawn, Al Simmons, as the ultra-villain! Omega Spawn! Seriously, how can you not be excited for this, in some bizarre, time machine, train wreck sort of way? It’s like getting the band back together! Marc Silvestri, Todd McFarlane, Rob fuggin Liefeld? At the very least, it’s great for a nostalgia trip. I’ll sit there reading about it, think about how many years have passed since then, and then eventually begin to brood about how little I’ve done with my life. They’ll find me in a bathroom, covered in vomit and tears, yelling about what should have been.

On second thought, maybe I shouldn’t read this.

Green Lantern #49

I wish there was a title I was totally stoked for coming out from DC this week. I think I may be a Marvel dongstroker at this point. Alas, I’m sorry. I can’t hate on Green Lantern, though. Geoff Johns is just a solid writer. You know what you’re getting. Unless you’re adverse to tie-ins, then you should stay the hell away from this title. Blackest Night has descended upon pretty much every DC title, so if you hate zombies and Green Lanterns, this title is probably going you into an apoplectic rage. You’ll wake up and find yourself covered in feathers, blood, and regrets. This issue has John Stewart looking down sniper scopes while zombies descend upon him from behind. And he’s also facing past regrets and shit, too.

Then there’s Detective Comics #680, which I don’t read, but I should just for the artwork alone. JH Williams III draws a mighty gorgeous page, and his work on Detective doesn’t disappoint. If you’re like me, which is broke from Christmas shopping and conniving, try and talk a loved one into buying it so you can flip through it on the toilet one day. Always works for me.