Ha! Suck it haters! Yeah, I’m talking to you! And you! And you! And Jesus Christ, pretty much every body I’m friends with. A leaked Microsoft memo confirms (confirms?) that the next Xbox will have core features that work offline. Namely, single-player gaming.

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Some people around these parts are going to lube themselves with this news and just start straight-up punishing their pink bits. (Yes Neo, I’m looking at you.) Word has come out that Microsoft isn’t nearly where they want to be in the development of the Durascal 720-Kinect 2 Leviathan, to the tune of six months.

Hit the jump for the cuts, then let me know what you think.

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Let’s side-step what we think of Call of Duty, or the potential game from its creators. The fact that Microsoft may be sewing up the next game from these lads is pretty impressive. The Duty franchise is a veritable license to print money, and while there isn’t anything guaranteed about this new franchise I have to imagine it’ll be making crazy dollars. In a world where Sony and Microsoft are struggling to differentiate their console from the others, this could be a hell of a marketing point.

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The Next Xbox is being revealed on May 21. There are unconfirmed reports I’m going to dress up like Bill Gates and jack off into a blender filled with Xbox hardware. As I watch, it’ll hurl tech-shrapnel deep into my guts. I will orgasm.

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I know that it is cool to bash the Next-box Durascal 720 around here, if not all around the Internet at the moment. Creative directors making fun of people for not having the Internet, Steve Ballmer choke slamming interns for not shellacking his testicles properly — it’s been a goddamn mess. That said, I’m not particularly sweating the launch titles for the Microsoft TV Manipulator and Potential Game Player, since pretty much every system’s launch titles are snore-worthy.

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What a shocker. A Microsoft employee who literally spread his ass cheeks and shat upon potential customers worried about the Durascal 720’s always-on policy has gotten nixed. What a dumb fuck.

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Even as an XBOT, I’m pretty much not impressed at all about this fucking Durascal-720 news or whatever. The system is apparently going to like take over your cable box and shit! Wow! Can we get some fucking games? I don’t need graphical overlays, Kinect stalking my cock as I get engorged watching New Girl. I don’t need any of that.

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Another day, another Nextbox-Xbox 720-Durango report. The little console that couldn’t (play games offline) is going to be supporting a similar (I think? I don’t know this shit) processor to the PS4. In addition, it isn’t going to be backwards compatible. If this makes you spit out your Faygo, I don’t know what to tell you. Why should Microsoft or Sony go out of their way to make their machines run our backlogs, when they can charge you again for a souped up version?

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Come one, come all into your one-stop for today’s collection of Nextbox rumors. Most significant is the seeming confirmation that we won’t be getting a reveal of Microsoft’s new money-maker until May. Son of a bitch. Previous rumors had pointed towards this month, but for whatever reason it shant come to pass. My guess on the delay? I propose that Steve Ballmer is still scraping the remains of that errant Microsoft creative director who trolled fans off the walls of Microsoft’s floating fortress. You ever see that guy go full Scanners on an employee? It’s terrifying.

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You have to give it to Microsoft’s creative director. Not only does the dick sore pretty much confirm the rumor that the new Xbox is going to require always-on Internet to boot the game, but the dude shits on everyone who is concerned about this feature.

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