Duke Nukem Forever came out this week. It sucks. Reviewers expressed such sentiments, and then  Jim Redner of the Render Group got all butthurt and said such reviews would impact who gets to review a game next time.

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If you want signs that it truly is the End of Days, the Rapture, look no further. Duke Nukem Forever has gone fucking gold. Finally. After a decade-plus of development, the son of a bitch is finally coming to shelves.

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Enlarge. | Via.

Brian Crecente is a lucky man living my dream. Working for Kotaku, he’s currently working through the early portions of Duke Nukem Forever. A kind lad is he, sharing his experiences through the internet article circulation pathways. Today he dropped this outstanding parcel of information regarding the Duke calling Master Chief and his band of Spartans a bunch of pussies.

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God damn, Duke Nukem. How have you so fiercely gripped my underdeveloped psyche and shoved it into a video game? It’s tremendous. This gameplay dropped, and it features everything that someone like me would want in a game. Juvenile behavior, nonsensical profanity for no good reason, and killing things. Yeah dude, it’s totally pandering to the lowest common denominator. And there is a lot of us.

Hit the jump for the footage.

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[Search Engine Terms come from an app in the Word Press dashboard. It tells you the terms that people are using in google to lead to your site. Most of ours are ultra depraved and horrible. And amusing to sick people like me.]

Geeks have spoken. They care about very particular things. Like, Duke Nukem Forever blow jobs.

God damn, I wish I was at PAX. Duke Nukem Forever is there, as his legions of my fellow geeks. I want to be basking in your musk and manipulating precious things with you. But I cannot. So I’m riding coat tails. Stephen Totilo over at Kotaku snapped a shit load of Duke Nukem Forever screens. They’re glorious. Hit the jump to check them out.

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A good god damn! I’m pretty fucking stoked about Duke Nukem Forever being resurrected. And as impressions are trickling in from PAX today, it’s become evident that The Duke is as absurd, ridiculous, sexist, and filthy as ever.

In other words, I’m excited. Let’s go through some of the utter absurdity found in the demo.

Kotaku:

The demo starts with a first person view of the urinal. You can make Duke urinate as much as you want. The wait is over!

Cue the Duke Nukem Forever logo and a camera pulls back to show that Duke, in first-person, was playing a video game. He’s got a gold Xbox 360 controller with the face buttons re-named as D, U, K and E. There’s a busty lady in a schoolgirl outfit near the bottom of your first-person view. And there’s a second one. One stands up and wipes her mouth.

P.S. The trailer being shown behind closed doors for the game includes strippers and a three breasted giant monster. Of the latter, Duke says, “Hell, I’d still hit it.”

Blowjobs, metatextual references to a game within a game, three-breasted monsters, and enormous guns. This game was designed by some sort of Dimension X version of me, where I can crunch math and program video games. Of this I am certain.

It was rumored, and now it’s confirmed. Duke Nukem Forever is going to hit the stands. When? I don’t know, but it’s really going to happen. The white whale of my teenage years, into my early adulthood, after being canceled, has been saved. By those talented motherfuckers at Gearbox Studios. It’s almost surreal. I’m going full-on purple priapism over this.

Kotaku:

2K Games has made it official. Duke Nukem Forever is alive and, well, in the hands of developer Gearbox Software, confirming our earlier reports that the Borderlands studio was helping to complete the game’s absurdly long development cycle.

The publisher announced this morning in advance of PAX 2010 that Gearbox Software was on the job, picking up where developer 3D Realms left off. Gearbox plans to ship the game within the next year, according to a report from the Wall Street Journal–the WSJ says both “next year” and “currently expected to ship in 2010.”

I am weeping uproariously at this prospect. It’s something out of fanboy wet dreams. Like, what are the chances that a classic 1990’s gaming franchise is pronounced dead after a god damn decade, only to be revived by one of the more prominent and popular gaming studios of the past few years?

It’s a beautiful world.

Duke Nukem Forever is something of a white whale in the gaming community. First announced in 1997, the shit was promised, and promised, and promised, and then promised again. Finally last year, twelve years later, the game was finally axed.

But oh shit! Maybe it wasn’t. And not only is it rumored to be back, but it’s purported that dope-ass Gearbox Software (Borderlands) could be runnin’ the gig now.

Kotaku:

There may be hope yet for the ludicrously long-in-the-making Duke Nukem Forever. Sources claiming to have knowledge of the situation tell Kotaku that Duke Nukem Forever development continues at a new home, Borderlands developer Gearbox Software.

The studio responsible for Brothers In Arms, Borderlands and Aliens: Colonial Marines is said to have picked up Duke Nukem Forever development where former studio 3D Realms left off, perhaps Duke’s best bet for eventual completion.

Duke Nukem Forever, according to sources who wished to remain anonymous, is now in the hands of Gearbox and is planned to be released under the studio’s name. Gearbox was outed as the developer of the apparently scrapped Duke Nukem spin-off Duke Begins earlier this year.

It would be one thing if the game was announced as “back on” – in the sense that I wouldn’t give a fuck. But if it’s truly back, and it’s being developed by a legitimately talented studio? Holy mung. It has the recipe for awesomeness and nostalgia that was once thought incalculable.