[Photo: Ripten.]

Billy Mitchell is the ultimate gaming villain. He’s got a sick ass mullet, a sick ass beard, sick ass hot sauce, and now an homage in recently released Donkey Kong Country Returns. Sure, he doesn’t have the world record anymore in the original Donkey Kong. But with props, a sick mullet, and the likes, who gives a fuck.

Probably him.

But still, his amazing USA tie can be found in the game. Got the game? Keep an eye out in the monkey ruins in World 3-2, and you can see a serious daps to the baddest motherfucker in the gamin’ world.

If only they could have worked in his mullet of glory.

Look at the stars and stripes on Billy’s tie, and look at the stars and stripes on the the monkey ruins in world 3-2 of Donkey Kong Country Returns.

So this is what Nintendo felt like they needed to trademark “It’s On Like Donkey Kong!” for? Outstanding. Yup. This is it. The best part about the advertisement is the next line. Where they urge everyone to hold onto our bananas. Well then! I’ll just grab my cock and get ready to play this shit!

It’s on!

Nintendo sure knows how to suck the fucking fun out of things: roll up and trademark a cultural phrase. “It’s On Like Donkey Kong!” has been a geek phrase for a while now. In case you didn’t miss it, you drop this phrase when shit is really about to pop off. Shit is getting serious! So Nintendo, like some confused parent trying to be cool, has decided to co-op the phrase. By filing a trademark for it. You fucking geeks. They want to use it to promote their forthcoming game, Donkey Kong Country Returns.

Guys, c’mon. First off, you don’t need that phrase to promote the game. It didn’t work as a phrase to promote Scott Pilgrim, did it? And secondly, did you really need to trademark it to use it in your campaign?

Whatever the case, they’ve taken back the phrase. Officially commodified it. Which, in case they don’t follow pop culture, makes it instantly thirty-thousand times less cool.

Aiight, here’s the deal. Every Wednesday I’m going to pop off on something gaming related under the title of Pixelation. The idea being that any blog sort of barfs up and churns through bullshit. And hells to the yeah!, I’m going to continue doing that. A big part of OL is that I go fucking insane when I see something that excites me, and I love sharing it with my friends. Gaming news, movie trailers, comic books. Whatever. Blah, blah, blah. But it wouldn’t hurt to add some original content. If you call profanity-laden tirades or ejaculations about something in the gaming world original. It may be some sort of bullshit reflection, or keyboard warfare against something that excites me. I can promise you several things: it’ll be stream of consciousness, riddled with spelling errors and profanity, and probably not well thought out. You’ve been forewarned.

Nintendo has done the impossible this E3. They’ve made my cock hard. Like, seriously. Dripping like woah. For the longest time, my Wii has sat in my entertainment center, a kickbitch device that did nothing more than collect dust. Nintendo, sensing the fact that there were a lot of dickfarts like me who were totally okay with not waggling our Wiimotes at bowling games and shit, actually brought games to this E3.

No shit! GTFO! Rly? I was stunned. My Nintendo Wii is more or less my Miyamoto player. Or whoever is directing Super Mario Galaxy and the Zelda franchise at this point. Don’t be a dick, I know I’m uninformed. And too lazy to look that shit up. But since there’s only a Mario game every two years, and Zelda every god-knows-when, the thing sits around waiting to be stroked. At best, over the past couple of years, it’s been the source of near fist-fights between Pepsibones, myself and friends as we rock out to the Gamecube Mario Strikers.

I began losing my shit at the announcement of the new Zelda. I know every time Link takes to whipping Epona and trying to save Zelda’s dumb ass, again, what I’m going to be getting. The same formula plus some mechanics tweak that make the game fucking awesome. That’s a scientific fact. But fuck yeah, I could actually see a time when I would be playing my Wii again. Having just completed Super Mario Galaxy 2, I had laid my sweet Wii to rest. Good buy you little piece of cheap white plastic and gimmickery. I’ll love you. Always.

But Zelda? Ohhhhh shit.

Super fucking dope. But then Nintendo dug deep for their next jimmy tug.

They brought back Donkey Kong. Fucking Donkey Kong.

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Donkey Kong Country is coming back this year. Fuck to the yes! And not only that, but they’ve got their heads out of their asses (I don’t know who they are), and they’re taking it sidescrolling. Just like this son of a bitch was meant to be. And Retro Studios, the peeps behind the Metroid games are rocking it? Oh good lord, I’m going to blast a barrel of banana juice.