#October2017
SNES Saturdays #2 – Bateman’s Dad’s Balls and Barrel Decimation
I know it’s been quiet for a fucking *minute* here on the Space-Ship Omega. Apologies! Apologies. In the meantime, check out the second official SNES Saturdays from Bateman and me. We’re just being a couple of garbage lords. Talking a lot about Freud, Bateman’s Dad’s balls, and other miscellany garbage.
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‘Donkey Kong’ World Record Broken Twice. In One Day.
Man. The Donkey Kong competition has been raging for as long as OL has existed. For much, much longer than the space-ship has been in orbit, in fact. The news regarding the game and whomever reigns supreme often rises and falls in intensity. It’s been quiet for a while until this week, when the record was broken twice in one fucking day.
This 1983 ad for ‘Donkey Kong’ Cereal harkens back to a better time
I miss the old days. When cereal companies could convince parents that their sugar-filled diabetes-mines were healthy products for us growing younglings. What the fuck could make me a more stunning, virile man back in 1983 than Donkey Kong Crunch or whatever? Nothing.
New Dude sets ‘Donkey Kong’ all-time high score
A ne-ne-ne-new champion has conquered the Donkey Kong ring. Smashing barrels, buckets, steel-chairs, and unsavory, sharp objects into the souls of previous Donkey Kong high-score holders. His name is Robbie Lakeman. But you can call him the King of Kong! Get it? Like the movie! I’M SO CHEESY.
Press Start: Dads N’ Damsels
This week in gaming, millions of male gamers still found a way to wax their poles to the new, gritty Tomb Raider; Sim City went into complete shit-ridden meltdown and I continued to play a tonne of Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance. The only thing that comforts me after typing that ridiculous name is the unrelenting entertainment value of tearing out cyborg spines. Third playthrough down and I’m still digging the most violent method of electrolyte extraction known to man.
Steve Wiebe Loses Donkey Kong Record!…To A Plastic Surgeon?
And then there were three! Meet Hank Chien! The good sir was previously glossed over back in August, known as the “guy Billy Mitchell beat to reclaim the Donkey Kong score.” Apparently Chien isn’t messing around though, and he’s definitely fucking up my extended metaphors. If Steve Wiebe and Billy Mitchell are the video game world’s Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader, who the fuck is Chien?
Well, it doesn’t matter.
‘Cause the dude has taken the throne from the two of them.
Steve Wiebe Will Teach You How To Defeat Evil Via Donkey Kong.
This year was fucking fantastic in the world of Donkey Kong. Steve Wiebe and Billy Mitchell. The day that Billy Mitchell was inducted into the International Video Game Hall of Fame, he took back the world record in Donkey Kong. How fucking bad ass is that? If Mitchell is the Darth Vader of video games (gorgeous, righteous, will choke a bitch), then that was his Empire Strikes Back. But regular dude Steve Wiebe wasn’t going to take that shit sitting down. No sir. He knuckled down and defeated evil. Back and forth. Good and evil. The eternal struggle.
Well, guess what fanboys. Steve Wiebe is willing to teach you the inner workings of the Donkey Kong. For a price. According to Joystiq, Chicago’s Logan Hardware “has hired Wiebe to not just teach a Donkey Kong class, but also to spend nearly five hours attempting to best his own high score on January 15.” How much does that shit run? Twelve bucks.
That’s it? To learn from a legend? Holy shit, sign me up. This is like Luke teaching you the fucking Force. Sure you’ll never be able to save the galaxy, but maybe you can glean enough to persuade sexy green space babes to take off their pants. And show you their salacious crumb.
If I was anywhere near Chicago, I’d be down like a clown. I know some may scoff at having to pay, but the guy is just a regular dude. I’d happily give him so money, to hang out, learn some bullshit, and watch him tear it up.
Here’s to another year of jostling between Vader and Luke, some records changing hands, and at the very least: more of Billy Mitchell’s mullet.
DEFEAT. 004 – Swing Hammers. Eat Pizza.
[DEFEAT. is Rendar Frankenstein’s truest attempt at fiction. Presented in weekly episodes, the novella tells the tale of Daryl Millar – a hero who dies at the intersection of pop culture, science-fiction, war epic, and fantasy]
“I’ll teach you to mess with my girlfriend, you dookie-tossin’ ape motherfucker! That’s right, I’m going to catch up to you at some point and when I do I’m going to blast a hole in your goddamn chest! No more of this swinging a hammer, hopping over barrels, climbing up ladders bullshit – I’m going to shoot you in the chest with a fucking gun!”
