#April2013
NEW ‘STAR WARS’ EVERY F**KING YEAR, starting in 2015.
I imagine this is going to be a divisive development among those of us who shove lightsabers in our ass – nay, need to shove lightsabers in our ass – just to have an orgasm. Disney has dropped that they are planing on releasing a new Star Wars flick every year, starting in 2015. To this I say: fuck yes! Certainly, it may devalue the magic of the original franchise. However, it’ll also give us a copious amount of the Universe we love. And if one of the flicks sucks? Eh, maybe next year! That said, I can completely understand those who fear overexposure, and underwhelming installments.
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Watch: PATTON OSWALT’s brilliant ‘STAR WARS’ x ‘MARVEL’ crossover pitch.
Patton Oswalt is appearing on this week’s episode of the fucking fantastic Parks and Rec. One of the preeminent Lords of Dork was asked by the show to play a filibusterer, and given the choice to ramble about whatever he wanted. Oswalt delivered with nothing less than a delicious hallucinatory pitch for a Star Wars x Marvel crossover that we would all love. Don’t deny it.
‘IRON MAN 3’ TV Clip: Tony’s latest egotism is giving away his home address
The latest clip from Iron Man 3 has Tony Stark giving away his home address to The Mandarin. Pretty much exactly the sort of thoughtless, boisterous nonsense you’d get from an egomaniac. Here’s hoping the movie makes him feel the repercussions.
Disney closes LUCASARTS, cancels ‘STAR WARS 1313.’ You DARK SIDE sumbitches!
Son of a bitch! Walt Disney’s cryogenic head has reared up, crushing LucasArts. They exist no more, the financial Death Star eradicating the studio that has enriched countless lives. Such is the furious fist of capitalism, I suppose. The destruction has taken with it Star Wars 1313, a game which had the rare title of “Star Wars game I actually give a fuck about.”
CONFIRMED: ‘STAR WARS’ is getting stand-alone character movies.
Ha! Looks like my prediction of the Star Wars going full Marvel Movie Universe wasn’t just the blatherings of a man who masturbates into a Jabba the Hutt sock. I mean, well. It was quite that, it just turns out that it is true as well.
Disney introducing ‘MAGICBANDS’ to track movements of attendees. Big Mousey Brother!
Disney, whatever! You say that you want to introduce MagicBands to track your attendees under the guise of thereby customizing their park experience. Hogwash! You’re collating date and funneling it directly to the Martian Cabal Illuminati led by Bill Gates and the corpse of FDR. Just what do the human-cows enjoy whilst in their gated community? What will they tolerate? How many pieces of $25 pizza will they buy? I’m onto you.
Netflix snags exclusive streaming rights for new DISNEY, MARVEL, and Pixar flicks starting in 2016.
Netflix has closed a hell of a deal. Starting in 2016, they have the streaming rights to Disney, Marvel, and Pixar flicks. Does this count Star Wars? Is the Force going to be streaming?
Rumor: ‘EMPIRE STRIKES BACK’ writer Lawrence Kasdan could script ‘EPISODE VIII & IX’?
Star Wars fans, go ahead and tug your bits to this rumor. It’s designed to titillate all your various nerd glands. There ain’t any shame, I promise. Draw the blinds, and get slushy in your pantaloons. Lawrence fucking Kasdan! Oh, and some other guy too.
GEORGE LUCAS giving most of his $4 billion Lucasfilm sale to charity. Solid ++
Aiight, George Lucas. Just this once, I’ll refrain from cussing your soul out. You’ve made a lifetime of money off of shitty adaptations and action figures, but you’re putting that loot to good use. After selling the Lucasfilm property to Mickey Mouse, you’re parlaying that money into education. This is rad.
‘WRECK-IT RALPH’ INTERNATIONAL TRAILER: Pseudo-nostalgia glands a-glowing.
Wreck-It Ralph isn’t playing fair. It is working all sorts of pink, squishy geek lands. Furiously rubbing and manipulating them until those of us who grew up gaming can’t help but arch our back and unleash a torrent of blissful cinematic goo.
