Alright, check this shit out! First and probably last ever, Dexter live-blog! Well, it’s not coming to you live, but I’m going to squeeze this one out as the episode progresses. No idea how it’ll come out, but like I said to Tommy Parker in gym class all those years ago, let’s experiment! Kid decked me. Don’t tell my girlfriend. So if you’ve ever accurately described my Re-Ups as rushed, poorly edited, or off the cuff, you’re about to be correct a thousand times over.

Oh great, it’s the recap. Have you ever noticed how fucking long the recaps are? Between the intro, the recap, and the early ending time, I’m pretty sure Dexter episodes are only thirty minutes long. Frankly, if they cut out everything involving Angel and Maria, and Quinn, and Deb, and the episode was only ten minutes, I’d consider it a fair trade.

Everything is Illumentated? Ha! Oh great, Dexter monologue. Yeah, I get it. You’re complicated, bro. You’re a monster, and you’re upset. And stuff.

I have to say that I’m fairly depressed about the dissolution of Dexter’s family. It was a neat twist to the serial killer dynamic. And while inevitable, I’ve really been wondering the direction the show is going to take from thereon in. So far everything feels pretty fucking directionless.

Really, Dexter? Everything seems in its right place? Manageable? It’s great to know that it only took your wife getting gutted for that to occur. I’m glad to know that you can breathe easy now, given that your life is in shambles, and your kid doubles as a fucking coy device for furthering your blood rage.

Oh, are they going double narrative here? Lumen and Dexter both preparing for a kill that evening? In case you weren’t paying attention, Lumen is a Dexter analog, or something of that shit. You probably noticed that last episode when Morgan said over and over again, “You don’t know where this road leads! Roar! Roar! Don’t kill people. Especially innocent people. Like me! Have you seen my kid? He’s adorable! I use him to track down pederasts, and serial killers!

Hug him!

This live blogging shit is exciting! My tits are hard. Also, it gives me something to do when LaGuerta and Angel argue. Jesus Christ, this entire storyline is a nightmare. Angel is saying really hurtful things, but that’s okay, because he can slam a door and that’s pretty much like, telling Maria to go fuck herself. Her and her beautiful booty. Angel dude, you need some therapy. Or to go back to screwing hookers.

Oh, it’s that guy that apparently was Robocop. And he’s being really cute to Deb. But he’s got a good point, Pock Marked McGee, Quinn, is boning the sister of the guy he has a vendetta against. Not the brightest plan ever, but hey, when you absolutely have to bone the emaciated, curveless, potty-mouthed chick in your department, who cares who she’s related to? Get some!

What is this dog shit with Harrison cutely echoing his father’s behavior? Last week’s insipid twist that he’s somehow scratching other kids, and now Dexter is hearing him say “Die, Die!” Get the fuck out of here too, if you want to say that Dexter is projecting his own anxieties onto his kid.

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