Alright, check this shit out! First and probably last ever, Dexter live-blog! Well, it’s not coming to you live, but I’m going to squeeze this one out as the episode progresses. No idea how it’ll come out, but like I said to Tommy Parker in gym class all those years ago, let’s experiment! Kid decked me. Don’t tell my girlfriend. So if you’ve ever accurately described my Re-Ups as rushed, poorly edited, or off the cuff, you’re about to be correct a thousand times over.

Oh great, it’s the recap. Have you ever noticed how fucking long the recaps are? Between the intro, the recap, and the early ending time, I’m pretty sure Dexter episodes are only thirty minutes long. Frankly, if they cut out everything involving Angel and Maria, and Quinn, and Deb, and the episode was only ten minutes, I’d consider it a fair trade.

Everything is Illumentated? Ha! Oh great, Dexter monologue. Yeah, I get it. You’re complicated, bro. You’re a monster, and you’re upset. And stuff.

I have to say that I’m fairly depressed about the dissolution of Dexter’s family. It was a neat twist to the serial killer dynamic. And while inevitable, I’ve really been wondering the direction the show is going to take from thereon in. So far everything feels pretty fucking directionless.

Really, Dexter? Everything seems in its right place? Manageable? It’s great to know that it only took your wife getting gutted for that to occur. I’m glad to know that you can breathe easy now, given that your life is in shambles, and your kid doubles as a fucking coy device for furthering your blood rage.

Oh, are they going double narrative here? Lumen and Dexter both preparing for a kill that evening? In case you weren’t paying attention, Lumen is a Dexter analog, or something of that shit. You probably noticed that last episode when Morgan said over and over again, “You don’t know where this road leads! Roar! Roar! Don’t kill people. Especially innocent people. Like me! Have you seen my kid? He’s adorable! I use him to track down pederasts, and serial killers!

Hug him!

This live blogging shit is exciting! My tits are hard. Also, it gives me something to do when LaGuerta and Angel argue. Jesus Christ, this entire storyline is a nightmare. Angel is saying really hurtful things, but that’s okay, because he can slam a door and that’s pretty much like, telling Maria to go fuck herself. Her and her beautiful booty. Angel dude, you need some therapy. Or to go back to screwing hookers.

Oh, it’s that guy that apparently was Robocop. And he’s being really cute to Deb. But he’s got a good point, Pock Marked McGee, Quinn, is boning the sister of the guy he has a vendetta against. Not the brightest plan ever, but hey, when you absolutely have to bone the emaciated, curveless, potty-mouthed chick in your department, who cares who she’s related to? Get some!

What is this dog shit with Harrison cutely echoing his father’s behavior? Last week’s insipid twist that he’s somehow scratching other kids, and now Dexter is hearing him say “Die, Die!” Get the fuck out of here too, if you want to say that Dexter is projecting his own anxieties onto his kid.

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Did you miss this week’s episode of Dexter? Good for you. ‘Cause I watched the entire thing, and I’m happy to report that absolutely nothing of worth occurred. Oh man! Sippin’ the Hatorade. That’s me, right here. Naw, not even. The fifth episode of season five was unremarkable. That’s the long and the short of it.

And for anyone in the “give it time” bullshit mode, we’re a third of the way through. At this point in previous seasons, we were humming sexily along. Secure in our trajectory. Right now? Waiting for shit to take off.

Wake me up.

Tonight’s episode can be distilled down into three painfully telescoped plot-points, and two interesting moments.

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When has Dexter Morgan passed the point of no return? When has the dude finally fucked up far too righteously to recover from? I ask, because if the dude hasn’t gotten there yet, he’s getting precariously close. If he hasn’t crossed the Rubicon, he’s certainly nuzzling up next to it.

Here’s a point for Would-Be savers of rape and homicide victims: when you’re trying to calm them down, don’t have them in a headlock. If you’re trying to assure them that they’re okay, don’t do it while administering a rear naked chokehold. Our boy Dexter misses that essential point in this episode, while trying to calm down the female he saved from Boyd’s writhing stache of prowess, Lumen.

“No no, seriously calm down! Everything is cool! Ignore the shed I’ve got you locked in, or the fast that I’m trying to give you the Boston Crab, or that I killed someone. Everything is fine. Dope. Solid even.”

Dexter spends the entire episode spiraling out of control. His life is in tatters, his existential status a tailspin of tremendous splendor. The dude just offed the coolest mustache in the state of Florida. Dang. His hot Irish baby sitter just quit. Double dang. And some uppity broad who isn’t cool with getting locked up in alligator country needs to be dealt with.

What’s a dude to do?

Why, consult Harry!

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The second episode of this season’s Dexter dropped, and it was second verse, same as the first. Dexter spent a considerable amount of time trying to figure out how he was going to reconcile his family life with the fact that he has to kill people to sate his blood frenzy. Thankfully, by the end of the episode Those Fucking Annoying Kids were packed up and headed to their fucking grandparents’ house.

Thank. God.

I was pretty stoked when Astor and Cody got their insufferable asses packed up into a car and sent off to their grandparents’ house in Orlando. Seriously Astor, fuck you. Your Dad was a crackhead douchebag, who Dexter had to take out just to keep him from romping around your house.

And you dare raise your voice to this guy? And state that you want to go live with Nana and Pop-Pop? Have fun with that shit, yo. Someday you’re going to come downstairs and find your Nana topless, with a pair of fudged undies giving your grandfather a blow-job. Just look in the eyes of those two, they’re fucking freaks. Gramps got a bit of the nasty in him.

Then three years later, if that isn’t enough, they’re going to die. Don’t call Dexter when it happens, cool?

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Goodbye Christine, we hardly knew ye. When you self-administered some shotgun therapy in last night’s episode, I shed a single tear. You had a booty that made my heart palpitate, and I was beginning to feel like we truly had a connection. And by that, I mean that when my girlfriend went home after watching it, I’d rub myself over my boxers to you.

I do have to chastise you for taking yourself out of the game. In effect, that means that your sociopathic dad could continue on his killing spree, now that some other douchebag has been framed. I’m not really sure why you expected Deb to forgive you, after you shot her, and murdered the graying dude who probably had saggy balls and weird spots on his ass who she was in love with.

That said, I’m not sure I should expect you to make much sense, you’re the daughter of a serial killer who saw her father cozying up to a dead chick in a bathtub of blood when she was just a child.

Adieu, Christine, you’ll be remembered.

This is the first awesome thing that Rita has done all season. She’s been running around like Crazy Baby Momma, she’s been going through Dexter’s shit. She’s generally been annoying as hell, just for the sake of being a source of agitation now that Dexter wears the cowl of Family Man.

When Dexter slugged that assfart Elliot for befouling Rita with his filthy tongue, I knew it could go one of two ways. Either she’d get pissed off because her man was decking dickheads with righteous right hooks, or she could realize that he was merely defending her honor. Or something. But she came through! Finally. It’s good to see her realize that her man Dexter is the quiet, stoic type. Or a serial killer. But just because he’s like uh, never around, and shady, and always making up lies, he loves her. And will pop a dude in the mouth for molesting her.

Well done, Rita. You’ve seen the light.

If you’ve been watching Dexter this season, the above image makes your goddamn head burst with excitement. The Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader of serial killers or some shit, in the same room. The Agent Smith and Neo, but hopefully without the awful CGI and philosophical pandering. The Magic Johnson and Larry Bird of people who stab people.

How the fuck does Dexter even get out of this room? Dude is finally exposed, his real life laying bare for Trinity to see. It’s okay though, since Kyle Butler is sort of a lame name.

But seriously, has there been a scene this tense on Dexter since Doakes found out that Dexter was a serial killer? It hasn’t been since Doakes was all “Mo’fuckah, you the Bay Harbor!” that I was thinking something like “I honestly have no idea how Dexter gets out of this predicament.”