My boy, the fucking Bonesaw, pointed this out to me. Apparently Sammy Sosa is the latest celebrity to be wooed into the darkness that is the Black Lantern corps. Now along with Chris Brown, he will accept commands from the lord of Darkness, Michael Jackson. They will go around cranking home runs, eating their girlfriends, and having little boys manipulate their nipples. Eerily, this sounds like a Saturday night out with my friends.

Seriously though, Sammy Sosa looks like a fucking mess.

I think even creepier than his skin are the contact lenses and lipstick.

Via Big League Stew:

Retirement, or something, appears to be changing Sammy Sosa(notes). He and wife, Sonia, were recently in Las Vegas for the Latin Grammys, which included a tribute on Wednesday to singer Juan Gabriel. Photogs caught the Sosas on the red carpet and Sonia looks fabulous as always. As for Sammy … well, there’s no getting around it, but Sammy looked kind of pale.His skin is undeniably lighter than at any time since he broke into the majors in 1989. Is it an illness, or a condition such as Vitiligo, in which depigmentation occurs? Is Sammy just bleaching his skin for fashion’s sake? (Heh, “just.”)I wonder if he is changing his look, simply because his eyes are a different color. Sammy was born with brown eyes. He’s taken to wearing green contact lenses and, quite frankly, they are extremely creepy. Is he co-starring in the upcoming “Twilight” sequel?

Let’s check out Sammy last year.

Oh hey, he looks human! And now a year later, just as the Black Lanterns are killing douchebags and resurrecting them to fight in the quest to annihilate life and mack on gorgeous pop stars, he looks like a pale-skinned nightmare. Coincidence? I don’t fucking think so.

Helllllllllll, yeah! I haven’t updated Search Engine Terms in a while. There’s been a bunch of good searches, but I was proud of this newest one.

Fucking in Superman Position! It’s well documented that I pioneered the Superman Fuck. Now we have like minded individuals looking for a home, wanting nothing more than to advance their sexual techniques. Well my friends, you’ve come to the correct place for fucking in various superhero positions.

Welcome!

I also want to give a shout out to Superman Cum Shots. I really want to meet the people who are down with such things. They’ll either be really cool, or they’ll trap me in their dungeon and rape me ruthlessly. Either way, I uh, win!

In case you missed all the crazy Warner Bros/DC restructuring last week, there’s this new entity called DC Entertainment. The head behind it is Diane Nelson. And apparently she has no plans to push through a Superman movie at the moment:

Via Slashfilm:

We’ve obviously done a lot of great things behind the property in our history, and it’s a key part of the family, but we don’t have current plans behind Superman.

So we have a Green Lantern movie in development staring fucking Van Wilder, but no one is working on a Superman movie? Something about this doesn’t compute. If I was Diane Nelson, I’d do two things. First, I’d get Mark Millar back into the DC Universe. I’d give him the keys to Superman. Because if anyone can make Clark Kent one-thousand percent awesome, it’s him. And then I’d make sure that there was a Superman movie put into production that doesn’t just use two-hours of film to slob on the knob of Christopher Reeves.

It’s simple: Make a film where Superman deals with the usual existential crisis, while getting to punch the crap out of something. Like Metallo, I don’t care. And someone please make Lex Luthor imposing. We have flying, relate-able internal strife, a machavelian villain, and a dude fighting a robot. Seriously, c’mon. Easy. It’ll make a zillion bucks. But uh, good luck with Green Lantern And the Emerald Dongs.

I’m such a douche with the Bat-puns, I know. I can’t help it.

When I found out that Frank Quitely was leaving Batman and Robin for a spell after his initial arc, I was bummed out. But then I heard Philip Tan was taking over, and I breathed a sight of relief. Well, DC has announced that Cameron Stewart is taking over with issue #7, following Tan. It’s good news abound! I’m always weary of creative turn-overs on title. Suddenly the design, and perspective you’ve been used to shift, and sometimes for the worse. But Stewart’s promo art is gorgeous, and I’m looking forward to seeing what the dude can do.

Dig the gorgeous promo, and check out Stewart’s blog for other general coolness.

Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn Fucking. Well, I suppose it was only a matter of time for that search to yield our website. You’ve upped the ante, Boner-In-Hand-Nerd. Bravo.

Pepsibones and I talk about these website searches, and he was like:

It’s great that people find our site using these search terms…but it’d be nice if they actually came back.

So, if you want guys, I can start commissioning pictures of these search terms, so it’s not a total loss.

By that I mean Pepsibones, four Rockstar energy drinks, and MS Paint.

It’ll be glorious.

It’s a common fear of mine that my comic book store of choice, Webhead, is a bad year away from folding. The owner Dean, who is a good lad of mine, told me recently that they wouldn’t even be capable of staying open without their business selling shit online.

I was floored. I knew things were bad, but not that bad.

Then I came across this great article by Christopher Butcher that was linked from another blog I frequent, The Beat. Here’s an excerpt:

Things aren’t stable, behind the scenes (and sometimes spilling onto message boards and websites) people are very worried. Fans, Retailers, Publishers. Distributors. But the thing that to me is the most disconcerting and heralds the biggest change? Diamond Comics Distributors drastically raising their order minimums.

I can’t imagine that this is going to do anything but make life more difficult for the struggling comic book store. It’s a lengthy article, but it’s worth checking out if a Wednesday trip down the comic book store means the same thing to you as it does to me.

Check out the article here.

Last night, Pepsibones asked me if I had heard about Guy Ritchie. Yeah, I said, the dumb ass is directing the Lobo movie. Which is going to excite my fourteen year old self. Lobo was awesome back in the day, because he was a dumb swearing piece of shit who stabbed stuff. I was fourteen. Hopped up on testosterone and giggling at boobs. This dude understood me.

I convey to Pepsibones that I thought Lobo sucked now, when he hit me with:

Yeah, but did you know he was created as a commentary on Wolverine and other ridiculous anti-heroes?

I was aware of that, but it only was made vaguely known to me after I had evolved out of my primordial testosterone madness. Into my uh, post-mordial, testosterone semi-madness. And that said, I wasn’t the only boner-sporting adolescent who completely missed the message, according to the guy behind Lobo’s popularity, Keith Giffen:

Via Lobo’s Wiki:

I have no idea why Lobo took off,” Giffen once said in an interview. Referring to the 1990s incarnation of Lobo he created, he said, “I came up with him as an indictment of the Punisher, Wolverine, hero prototype and somehow he caught on as the high violence poster boy. Go figure”

No idea? I can help you dude. Because people always miss the point! Especially in mainstream culture. Maybe in indie comics or Focus Feature films the point is gotten, over-analyzed and then thrown to the wolves. But shit like Lobo? C’mon. It was marketed towards teenage boys who wanted to see gunshots and swears. It’s ironic, how the very medium you used to make your commentary turned against you! People always miss the point. The Dark Knight was just about Batmobiles, the Matrix was just about guns and kung-fu, and Fight Club was about people punching one another.

There isn’t much room for social commentary when dealing with us mouth-breathing teenage boys.

TODAY IS AWESOME. Today my friend Mr. Google has informed me of something amazing. People have found Omega Level searching for “Harley Quinn Cumshot” as well as “Comic Cumshots”. I hope you guys weren’t doubting me when I said that super horndog nerds have the hots for Harley Quinn. And if you did, I have found my redemption. Welcome to Omega Level, my perverted friend. Anyone who searched for Harley Quinn Cumshot will be a friend of the site.

Forever.

Pop Quiz!

What’s cooler than a pedophilic, child-sperm swilling Michael Jackson!

A pedophilic, child-sperm swilling ZOMBIE Michael Jackson that commands an army of Black Lanterns! That’s right, Michael Jackson is the head bad guy behind DC’s Blackest Night! I don’t know how I missed this before, I mean, it’s pretty obvious. The guy died so close to the release of Dc’s hit mini-series, it couldn’t have been coincidental, right? I mean, this is cross-marketing genius!

I have to apologize for ruining any potential spoilers. I mean, this isn’t confirmed yet. I’ve just been doing some detective work myself, and well…I mean, come on, it’s obvious. The dude has looked like a zombie for years, anyone who has read anything about him knows he’s pure fucking evil, it’s just so obvious. I mean, I pride myself on my degree in Literature, I should have been able to see the foreshadowing sooner.

But now that I’ve figured it out? Pure genius. Bravo, Dan Didio. I take back all those mean things I said. You win this round.

Would it shock you to the point that you shit your pants to know that Bruce Wayne isn’t going to stay dead forever? It would? Then steal some huggies from your Nana, and get ready to read the rest of this post. YEP, Bruce Wayne is evidently coming back. It was posted over at Bleeding Cool today:

The Search For Bruce Wayne. The Return of Batman. Two series by Grant Morrison kicking off from Summer 2010.

The article also goes on to go on to state that Bleeding Cool doesn’t have the details, and the titles of the comics may have changed:

DC will be bringing their world’s greatest detective in rubber back in a series of series, the details of which are completely unknown (to me, I mean) save for their working titles (which may be old) and that it’s all part of the Big Grant Morrison Batplan for 2010.

So maybe this is all hogshit. I have feeling it isn’t though.

This is a surprise to only that fat kid at the comicon wearing the Highlander t-shirt. He’s going to be absolutely devastated. What I find surprising is that news is leaking of his return so quickly. I figured they’d have to resurrect Wayne’s ass prior to The Dark Knight Returns to Strike Back or whatever the third movie will be called. It would confuse the fuck out of the three people who actually are inspired by the movie to start reading comic books if Wayne was alive in the movies and then some Dick was wearing the cowl in the comics. But this news is what, like three months after the beginning of Dick Grayson’s reign?

As per usual, I’m just going to try and enjoy the ride. The first Batman and Robin arc was tersely written Grant Morrison brilliance. Odd, retro-future artwork, and a storyline featuring a guy named Pyg who dances to, in his words, “sexy hot disco.” All of that is overlaid on top of a storyline I read as a commentary on conformity, viral personality, trend infectiousness, and impossible TV bodies. You probably just saw rockets and toads that talked. That’s cool too. So enjoy your Dick as long as you can, because Mr. Wayne is returning. Sooner than you fucking thought.