What a fantastic week in the world of funny books. There’s a good amount of shit dropping that I’m digging and/or have been anticipating for a while now. Some weeks it’s bare bones, other weeks it’s a raping and pillaging of my wallet. There doesn’t seem to be a middle ground, which is cool, because what is the internet for! If not for bitching and moaning?

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S.H.I.E.L.D #4
Whenever S.H.I.E.L.D drops, it’s my favorite book of the week. Easily, and without contention. Hickman and Weaver are combining their powers like fucking Captain Planet to give me a mind-raping that I welcome with open uh, mind-anus? Whatever. Seriously though, it’s a combination of epic Marvel action during the days of DaVinci, humanist philosophy, and really, really, really gorgeous artwork. It’s raged from being unknown and underneath the radar to one of the dopest and most acclaimed titles of the year, and if you haven’t hitched yourself to its Icarus wings yet, it’s about time that you got on board.

Last episode was Sir Isaac Newton copulating with an alien, and enslaving Nostradamus to help him guide the trajectory of human history. This episode? Apparently there’s a fetus of god being born, as well as a throwdown with a Celestial. This son of a bitch is hitting on so many cylinders, it’s scary. Well worth your $3.

Also In The Marvel Universe:
Sometimes I kick it around the horn in a Universe when there’s a particularly large deluge rocketing down the pipe, and this week seems fitting. There’s a huge heaping of Thor dropping this week. The aforementioned scribe superior, Hickman is debuting his Ultimate Thor this week, and like a moaning fanboy of his, I’ll be checking it out. Not content, more Thor for you? Even though he’s becoming the Asgardian equivalent of Deadpool when it comes to over-exposure? Hit up Thor: For Asgard. The artwork by Bianchi sells it by itself. Uncanny X-Force #1 debuts this week, and yeah? I don’t know man. At one point in my life, the word “Uncanny” meant a shitload to me. Know it just bums me out, and makes me which I was still running the Australian outback with Claremont and Silvestri.

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The Brothers Omega are well documented in what could easily be described as their soul-crushing response to Zack Snyder’s Watchmen. To us (maybe not to you, and if not, we’re happy for you), it was the cinematic equivalent of watching our Mom getting butt-dinged by a large walrus tweaking out on viagra and cocaine. The therapy bills are enormous.

So now that the same Master of Non-Subtlety, Snyder, is taking over Superman, how the fuck do I feel?

I’m not really sure.

Actually, scratch that, I am sure. It’s my response that is confusing even me. I’m sort of optimistic. How the fuck did this happen? Not really sure. A few reasons. First off, prior to Watchmen, I dug on Snyder. Both Dawn of the Dead and 300 were favorites of mine. Undead, super homoerotic favorites, but enjoyable nonetheless. As well, the trailer for Sucker Punch had me in fanboy ecstasy. It isn’t that the dude doesn’t provide chops for me to wank on.

My problem with him is his mastery of the over-the-top insane-o bullshit. Which I love, provided the circumstances provide for it. His soft-touch is a spike-laden hammer. How will that fit into Superman? I’m not sure. I sure didn’t think it fit into Watchmen. So here I am, after the dude smashes into mush (again, in my eyes, if you liked it, I’m glad you’re happy) one of my favorite graphic novels of all time, and I’m actually cool with his annointment?

Weird. Life is weird.

If Christopher Nolan thinks he fits the script provided by Goyer, I’m going to float him my confidence. I’ve always been a dummy when it comes to giving people my heart. I’m am pretty much a retarded puppy, capable of getting kicked repeatedly by those I love (Looking at you, Lucas), and continually expecting the next extension of the hand to be a gentle testicle rub. So here you go Snyder, I’ll be optimistic about this. Don’t let me down.

Was it just last month that we got the Wonder Woman redesign? It feels like forever ago. But good lord does it now seem clunky in comparison to these pencils by Jo Chen. I came across these pencils today on Comics Alliance, who provides the details into them.

Comics Alliance:

Jo Chen’s high-powered rendering abilities have been proven in comics via “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” UDON Capcom work and “Runaways” cover art, but some of the greatest gems in her portfolio came via these Wonder Woman pencils she made for DC’s licensing department, destined for an unnamed mystery creation.

“These pencil pieces of our favorite Amazon were for an undisclosed project for the D.C. licensing department,” she wrote on her MySpace blog in 2009. “Not sure if the project will ever come to fruition but Sonia Choi at D.C. was kind enough to allow me to display them for your pleasure/displeasure/indifference. Hope it’s the first one.”

They’re beyond gorgeous. Hit the jump for the pencils, and check out Chen’s MySpace Gallery right here.

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Here’s the thing, Grant Morrison is kicking off a new title, Batman INC, in which Bruce Wayne is franchising Batman. No, seriously. And adding an entire line of Batmen makes for some interesting sorts of interpretations of the god damn Rodent Guy. One possible interpretation? Gay Batman.

LA Times:

Batman can take anything. You can do comedy Batman, you can do gay Batman…it all works. It something intrinsic to the character. It ‘s so strange and amazing.

Well then! Personally? I’d love to see a gay Batman. I know there’s the Midnighter over in The Authority who is an obvious Batman homage and homosexual superhero. But a legit gay Batman? Radical. Even more radical would have been if Morrison could fit Bruce Wayne into the gay Batman mold, but god only knows how many heads would explode at DC and Warner Bros.

Amidst a general sense of post-gym stank and a pile of funny books among my computer desk rubble, I bring to thee this week’s edition of Variant Covers. This week is a welcome respite to my wallet-rapery, the line looking a little thin, but I welcome it. After knuckling down and crushing most of my backlog since you’ve last been corrupted by my interwebs babbling, I’m finally caught up on the various titles I read. As always, these are the comics that caught my eyes, and as us fanboys are bound by various eccentricities and allegiances, I suspect your pull-list may be vastly different. I welcome it, and hope you drop your comic purchases in the comment box.

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Thor: The Mighty Avenger #3
Roger Langridge and Christopher Samnee are putting together something special on this rather unassuming title. I caught wind of it a couple of months ago, and was finally able to put the first two issues in my grimy paws last week. It’s legit, yo. As Marvel is understandably ramping up the amount of Thor titles on the market in lieu of his movie droppin’ next year, it’s awesome to see they’re filling these titles with writers and artists that are talented as funk.

Langridge is telling the origin story of our Strapping Young Lad of Thunder with an elegant simplicity. You walk through the still-new realm of Midgard with Thor, as he comes to grips with the notion that he has been banished by Poppa Odin. And god dammit, the way it is told is simply fun. Not enough comics can just grab you and take you on (what is thus far) a light-hearted romp. I don’t want to call it a simple tale, since it is written in a way that can convey some really deep mythology and strife in a way that’s accessible and enjoyable like woah. We have enough angst and existential brooding in our comics, and fuck if i don’t enjoy it. But this comic is a nice reprieve from the rain that drizzles on so many comic book characters’ miserable existences.

Not to be forgotten are Samnee’s pencils which echo the simple attractiveness of the plot. I haven’t been aquainted with Samnee before, but I’ve already fallen in love with his crisp, cartoony drawings, and his clean use of panels.

Langridge and Samnee are telling an extremely enjoyable tale with a clarity in plot and visuals that is far too exceptional in the shit I read.

Dig on it.

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This story is ridonkulous, and it warms my bleeding heart. A family was on the brink of losing their house. To the point where they’re boxing their shit up, and preparing to have to leave their humble abode, when they come across some old comic books. And low and fucking behold what sort of phat loot they find amidst the funny books! Yep, that comic book. Action Comics #1.

ABC News:

A copy of Action Comics No. 1, the first in which Superman ever appeared, was discovered as they went about the painful task of packing up a home that had been in the family since at least the 1950s. The couple, who live in the South with their children, asked to remain anonymous.

“The bank was about ready to foreclose,” said Vincent Zurzolo, co-owner of ComicConnect.com and Metropolis Comics and Collectibles in New York. “Literally, this family was in tears. The family home was going to be lost and they’re devastated. They can’t figure out a way out of this. They start packing things up. They go into the basement and start sifting through boxes — trying to find packing boxes — and they stumble on eight or nine comic books.”

…

Last Thursday, the couple’s copy received a 5.0 VG(Very Good)/Fine rating on a scale of 1 to 10. It could fetch upwards of $250,000 when it goes up for auction on ComicConnect.com from Aug. 27 through Sept. 17.

How fucking ridiculous is that shit? Amazing. See Moms and Dads of the world! Don’t throw shit away. Stuff it into boxes and hide it in the basement. And should a time come sixty years from now when you’re bankrupt, you’ll unearth some gem and save your state of affairs. Or maybe not.

But good for those people.

Source: Comics Alliance

My love for awesome nerdy shoes that I can’t wear because of my mammoth feet is well documented. First there were Bioshock kicks. Then Iron Man sneakers. And now these DC-themed Converse efforts in sexiness that will never fit my enormo-toes.

Hit the jump for the rest of the gorgeous line of shoes.

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Variant Covers, is at its core, a weekly comic book column. Most weeks are like this one, a round-up of the comic books that I am planning to acquire through galactic credits tomorrow at the local Pictures And Words dealer. Other weeks, the status quo is subsumed by a desire to pontificate on a particular topic. Like Peter Parker and his amazing Non-Progress Adventure. All columns are sponsored by a permanent state of juvenility, and made-up words.

Shall we?

Batman: The Return of Bruce Wayne #4
This is my column, and while I maintain a sense of duty in pleasing others and keeping it fresh, I’m going to go ahead and recommend the latest issue of Bruce Wayne and his righteous riding of the Time Waves. I know that I’ve popped off on this mini-series previously, but I’m sorry.

It’s one of my favorite things dropping every month, and I’ll be god damned if I ain’t excited to read it tomorrow. The latest issue finds Sir Wayne of Forevermore riding the time stream into the wild, wild west. Or is it the wild, wild east? After all, it seems that every time that the Island jumps for him, he ends up in Gotham during Period To Be Determined.

I may be reading it completely incorrectly, there’s always the chance of that.

The series is centered around the essence of Bruce Wayne, and how those essential tropes can carry through the millennium. They’re applicable everywhere. The concepts of symbols as power, great sleuthing, and an undying regret towards being unable to save a loved one (in this case it seems ‘ole Anne Elliot) can work while existing in the realm of Cave Dudes just as well as it came amidst the Red Dead Redemption set.

This shit rocks me like a rock star rocks things.

Spin on that, ya’ll.

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[via slashfilm : click to enlarge]

Oh lord. Here’s the first shot of Ryan Reynolds as Green Lantern. Much like I’m floating the entire accompaniment of dorks in the Thor picture from yesterday a pass, I’ll try and do the same for Reynolds. Maybe he won’t look as douchey when he’s in context. Flying around. Being dumb Ryan Reynolds.

Or something.

Welcome to Variant Covers! Your go-to for blathering about weekly comic releases. Forsooth! Apologies for bringing you this worthless slap-dab piece of bologna on a Wednesday! I encountered difficulties yesterday that I could not foresee. Sometimes a man must storm a bingo game armed only with a kabuki mask and genitals slathered in toothpaste. And sometimes that man must be screaming at the top of his lungs that the “Menthol burns so well” and that his “Seed can rejuvenate the most lost one here!” And apparently that results in getting arrested. Land of the free my ass.

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The Bulletproof Coffin #2
Did you check out the first Bulletproof Coffin when it dropped? Yes? Well, then you are a superior organic being! I did not. I did not hear about it until a generous reader of this column decided to eradicate the clouds of my dumb-assery with the bright beams of illumination. Plato’s Cave and all that shit! And sadly, even if I had known about it, my comic book shop wouldn’t have carried it. You see, this comic book is by Image, doesn’t feature modern day superhero theatrics, and is really, really, weird.

If you’re like me!, hop over to a fucking free digital copy of the first issue here.

Being only two issues deep, I’m not particularly certain what the whole jib-jab is about yet. The first issue had a good butt-load of things going on. And we’re talking like, the butt-load of an enormous ass. Cavernous. Cottage-cheesed out like you wouldn’t believe.

On the surface, the comic book is about a dude named Steve, who cleans out dead people’s houses. One day he comes across a house filled with ridiculous Golden Age nostalgia, featuring issues of comic books that went past what he thought were their last issues. Taking the shiznit home, he reads the comic, put out by Golden Nugget, which was put out of business by Big 2. After which, he fiddled around with the dead dude’s television, only to watch what he thinks is the dude’s death.

It’s complicated. I’m not going it justice. But I promise, it’s fantastic.

So on one level we have an exploration of the comic book industry, and the death of the Golden Age. Major props for Steve commenting on how much he hated “Z-Men: The Final Meltdown.” Weaving through it, we seem to be getting an exploration of Steve’s life, as he returns to his mundane existence with family and children, only to hide in the attic in bask in his past. It’s the sort of archetypal story of Golden Pasts and Disappointing Futures that I’ve come to love.

And? It’s really, really odd. Buy it. You’ll love it.

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Superman #701
This week, J. Michael comes aboard the Superman train. And coming aboard what he calls his “dream job” or something and such, he’s bringing the heat! Yessir, we’re going to be getting what we’ve wanted finally in a Superman book: walking. Uh. Wait? What?

Walking?

THE MENTHOL BURNS SO GOOD!

J. Michael has Superman walking cross-country in “Grounded”, which is apparently a twelve-issue storyline. Oh good lord. Seriously? I can respect the idea, which is to have Superman connect with his human side and get to know people and the like. However. However! Grant Morrison wrote the most human Superman in years in his run on All-Star, and he did it while having the Man of Heat Vision performing some absolutely ridiculous feats.

There’s a way to intertwine the two worlds, without having to take twelve-issues to have him walking across country.

That said, maybe it’ll be good. Who knows! This fence I’m sitting on?! It’s so comfortable!

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