#March2011
Variant Covers: The Stench Of Latex Crotch, Zounds.
Ah, labor pains. The tremendous abdominal liquidations that come from strenuous exertion. It’s the middle of the semester for Seminal Idiot turned Teaching Assistant right here, and I’m ready for a break. I read a couple of comic books last weekend, and but for a moment, the skies opened up. Yes, I thought to myself. Perhaps it will get better. Here I am, though. It’s Tuesday, and I’m blasting through this column with little regard for grammatical form or editing. Per usual. I know.
This is Variant Covers. Here are the comics I’m excited for this week.
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Diane Lane Cast As Martha Kent In Snyder’s Superman.
The Snyder Superman Reboot is really real!, and the proof continues rolling in. We’ve been spittin’ about Kevin Costner perhaps playing Pa Kent. Well, now we know definitely who will be holding it down as Ma Kent. The role shall be inhabited by none other than Diane Lane, and good Clark Joseph Kent’s mother is going to be a total MILF.
Viggo Mortensen To Play General Zod In Superman Reboot?
Now we’re fucking talking. Apparently Christopher Nolan and Zack Snyder’s desire man to play General Zod is none other than Viggo fucking Mortensen. While we’ve heard that both Lindsay Lohan and Kevin Costner have been up for parts, this is the first time that I’ve gotten my manjuices a-fluctuating about a particular casting rumor.
The kicker though? They haven’t even spoken to the dude yet.
Variant Covers: Scalp The Alien, Sell Their Soul!
Close the door and turn out the light. If you use your mind’s eye, you’ll see an infinitely tendriled machination coming your way. Don’t even sweat that, okay? It’s my mind-parts worming their way into your synaptic cores. They’ll be done soon, and when they’re gone, you’ll have the latest edition of Variant Covers in your mushy grey matter. The column that blathers on, and on, and on in verbose unedited prose about the comic books I’m interested in this week.
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Action Comics #898.
Are you still being an asshole, or are you reading this comic book yet? This title is the thunder. The culmination of a talented writer, a gorgeous penciler, and the desire to tell a hilarious, absurd storyline. In the past few months, Luthor has shot the shit with Death, gotten into a philosophical debate with the Joker, and beaten some serious ass. It’s a hodgepodge of wit sexy panels. I dismissed it at first because I’m a dismissive douchebag who thought that sticking Luthor in his own titles just didn’t make sense. Was a money grab. All of that has been thrown to the wind, cast aside like autumn leaves. This week Luthor is going to run into Larfleeze, and I imagine the alien avarice motherfucker and him are going to engage in yet another bizarre encounter. Cornell just wants to trot Luthor into the path of one prominent DC character after the next. I’m down with that.
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Shit I Should Be Reading: Scalped #46, Morning Glories #7.
There’s a good amount of comic books currently running that I’m not up to date with. Call it a function of having to read floaty bullshit about paratexts in the influence of meaning on a copy of DeFoe’s Robinson Crusoe. I’m not frontin’, I’m awash in that gunk. So time is limited. Whenever the schooling gods smile upon me, I hope to begin to read Scalped. Everything I’ve heard about it informs me that a) it’s fucking awesome and b) that I’m a choad-stuffed choad for having not gotten around to it yet.
Then there’s Morning Glories. I’ve heard almost exclusively awesome things about the title, save for the inestimably rageful description of it as “LOST” meets Zac Efron’s dance moves. Sir Rager is probably correct, but it didn’t stop me from whoring out $10 for the first trade last week. It sits amongst a bunch of other trades, waiting for me to crack their spine and eat their souls.
But for those in the what, Morning Glories #7 comes out this week. For many I assume it gets their glands flowing with blood and vigor.
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Animated All-Star Superman.
I know you’re asking, what the fuck is an animated movie doing in a comic book column. Well, I’ll tell you, inquiring lads and lasses. It’s a scientific fact that All-Star Superman is the greatest Superman of the last forever. And while I haven’t been able to personally confirm it, a good amount of websites are commenting that the transition from panel and text to celluloid has gone flawlessly. This is the story that a thousand Morrison bonerbots (hi!) splooged over, only animated.
I didn’t pay attention to the first three-thousand glowing articles about it, but eventually it overwhelmed me. My forcefield eroded, I was helpless to its allure.
Source: Zack Snyder’s Superman Already Sucks.
I already have my reservations about Frat Boy Rock’s Superman, and there’s news coming out of the Grand Motion Machinery that’s only fueling them fears. Snyder was thought to be helming up the 300 sequel Xerxes, but he’s been pushed off of it in favor of Guy Ritchie. The reports are that he’s getting pushed off for two reasons; Sucker Punch ain’t tracking well, and more salient to this column, Superman needs all his attention.
Marion Cotillard Cast In The Dark Knight Rises. Inception Reunion, Wut?
What exactly is going on here? The news coming out of one of the largest papers in France, Le Figaro, is that Marion Cotillard has been cast in The Dark Knight Rises. Back in the fall, there was news that Nolan was casting two female leads in TDR. With Hathaway cast as Selina Kyle, it appears that we’ve got our second leading lady.
Hit the jump for the details.
Lindsay Lohan Up For Role In Superman Reboot? Goodness Gracious.
The above is Lindsay Lohan back when she was something resembling a human being. This human being no longer exists. The good news is that apparently she’s up for a role as alien villainess Ursa in the Superman Reboot. Oh, Frat Boy Rock, you’re a bananas. Bananas like zounds.
Slashfilm:
Gossip website TMZ is reporting that Lindsay Lohan is up for a major female role in Zack Snyder‘s Superman reboot. According to the site, “Lindsay’s people have had multiple phone conversations within the last few weeks with the people behind the new Superman reboot” and they’re “supposed to meet personally with the Supermanpeople soon.” The role isn’t Lois Lane, however, more than likely it’s Ursa, a Kryptonian baddie that we now know is currently being cast.
Insanity, right? I ignored this bullshit when it was posted on a couple of other sites this morning. But by the time it made Slashfilm? I figured it was worth mentioning. Sure, nothing’s worth much in the Churn Factory that is the Netterwebs, but the mind boggles at the possibility.
The problem with this news is that Lindsay Lohan is about to be charged with grand theft larceny. I would say that considerably lowers her chances of being cast. However, just the fact that she was ever considered for a role is fucking outstanding.
Mystery Female Role In Snyder’s Superman Reboot Is Zod’s Lady.
Zounds were abound this week when it was let out that the casting currently going on this week for a female lead in Superman wasn’t for Lois Lane. The initial speculation was that Snyder may have been kicking the script over to Lana Lang, the other alliterative female in Clark’s life. Not to be! Not to be at all. Snyder is currently casting for the role of Ursa, who is General Zod’s b-girl. According to reports, Alice Eve, Diane Kruger and Rosamund Pike are all in the running for the part.
Don’t know who Ursa is?
Slashfilm Cares:
[Ursa] first appeared in the Richard Donner’s Superman and Superman II as one of a trio of Kryptonians, lead by General Zod, who are sentenced to live in the Phantom Zone by Superman’s father Jor-El, before breaking out and ending up battling Superman on Earth. Ursa’s most noteworthy quality in the films is her hatred of men and that she collects badges/symbols of her kills. She didn’t appear in the comic books until only a few years ago.
Well, there you go. This news makes everything a bit interesting though, considering that Snyder said that Zod wasn’t going to be in the flick. Is Ursa running ahead, preparing the pathetic fleshsacs for Zod’s arrival? Or is the dude actually in the movie? Only Frat Boy Rock (Snyder) knows for sure. Oh, and I suppose those who have read the script.
Wonder Woman TV Show Is Going To Be Goofy Rom-Com.
I’ve never really had much investment in Wonder Woman. Outside of her storyline playing off of Clark in Kingdom Come, and her bad ass neck snapping of Max Lord, she’s never done much for me. This is probably good news, given the details that have come out about the forthcoming Wonder Woman television show. If I was a fan of hers, I would probably be vomiting up blood somewhere.
Head inside for the details.
Henry Cavill Cast As Superman. Sure?
Henry Cavill has been cast as Superman in Zack Snyder’s TOTALLY X-TREMO FRAT BOY MAN OF STEEL glory. Cavill is known for his work in Stardust, the Tudors, and uh, probably other stuff. Even a presumuptious asshole like me isn’t going to pretend to have any opinion on this.
Actually.
Sure! Why not? I have no clue. Warner Bros. issued a glorious fawning press statement announcing the news, which you can check out after the jump.
