#December2013
Monday Morning Commute: Choke on the Pulp. Die with a Smile.
It’s been a week since I reappeared on the deck of the ship, smiling through the sludge I’d been wading in for far too long.
I was worried about the transition. Captain Pow had every right to be salty, seeing as I’d disappeared without any warning. Piloting this old war-bird with even the most seasoned of navigators can be a goddamn nightmare, so my absence certainly didn’t help.Whereas I’d anticipated being on the receiving end of a Big-Brother Bitch-Slap, he greeted me with open arms.
The stalwart captain welcoming his prodigal brother.
Since then, the pop-culture seas have been kind to me, revitalizing me after an extended absence. My sealegs are strong, helping me regain my strength through the wonder of muscle memory. And still, I’ve yet to completely return to form. I’m still suffering the residual effects of being lost in that Modern-Life Maelstrom.
Every other nite, my crewmates find me sleep-screaming about memos to read and projects to complete and bills to pay and other such nonsense that crushes spirits.
So how’m I going to overcome my infected blood? How do I enjoy the ride when I know the high Highs are always curbed by low Lows? Well, I’m goin’ to keep readin’ the maps and chartin’ the stars. I’m going to breathe deep the life-giving air found these glorious, treacherous, horrifyingly wondrous astral-seas. I’m goin’ to suck the pulp until its dried and withered and I choke to death on the juice, clutching my throat and smiling all the way.
And to do this, I’ll stay aboard Spaceship OL, doing everything I can to be the best goddamn navigator possible.
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This is the MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE! First, I sling thinly-veiled metaphors about existentialism at you. Then, I give you the run-down on the pop-culture detritus I’ll be gnashing my teeth on in upcoming days. Finally, you hit up the comments section and tell us how you’ll keep yourself entertained.
It’s digital show-and-tell for the maladjusted.
Let’s do this!
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Televised Days of Christmas: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
[Is there a better way to celebrate the manger-birth of a superpowered messiah-baby than watching television? Hell no! Join Rendar Frankenstein as he navigates Spaceship OL through the Televised Days of Christmas!]
It can’t be easy to be Santa.
Sure, the guy doesn’t have to work most days of the year. His extended vacation lasts from about December 26th through December 23rd, excepting the occasional check-ins to make sure his slaves helpers aren’t slackin’. He has the distinct pleasure of hanging his stockings with Mrs. Claus.
There’s no doubt that the jolly fat man has a nice life.
Still, Santa has the most stressful job imaginable. In a single night, the dude travels the globe, delivering presents to every single good boy and girl – a task that demands physical prowess, mental clarity, and incredible courage. By the end of his circumnavigation, St. Nick’s body has withstood incalculable g-force speeds, been stretched and crumpled through Chimneys in Chinese acrobat facsimiles, and subjected to countless cookie-calories. Through all this, Santa manages to keep a perfect record of which presents (or coal-lumps) go to which kids, never making a mistake along the way. And to top it all off, the white-beard’s got John McClane-sized balls, visiting even the homes of deserving children who just so happen to have meth-smokin’ gun enthusiasts for parents.
The only way Santa’s job could be more daunting is if his philanthropy had to go interplanetary.
So what are the implications of other planets making demands of Earth’s resident avatar of goodwill? How does a lifelong altruist react he’s told that he’s not reaching enough people? What happens when a holiday conflict goes worlds-wide?
Well, it just so happens that Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.
