Remember last week on LOST when the show returned to the events of the original season, albeit in what may be a different universe? Yeah, unfortunately this week it also returned to the narrative structure of the first season. It went nowhere, featured pointless and painful dialogue, and predominantly featured the Whorey Freckled Chick being whorey and freckled. Oh yeah, and waving a gun around on the run, again.

I knew this episode was in trouble when my friend Dave asked what the episode title was. I fumbled around with the remote and brought up the episode info, “What Kate Does”. I should have known we were fucked at that moment. For starters, even if they were trying to be cleverly simplistic, the title wasn’t nearly as intriguing as LA X, and secondly, no one in their right mind gives a fuck about what Kate does, even if it takes place in Dimension YYZ, where she shoots laser beams out of her nipples.

The main portion of the storyline in 2007 was dedicated to torturing the crap out of Sayid and drilling the viewer into misery with insipid dialogue. Sayid’s back from the dead, but because they needed some fluff to fill an episode with, they beat around the bush the entire time and don’t tell you what’s up. After Jack finds out that Sayid has been seared with a hot poker and had his nipples electrocuted, he storms into Dogen’s mystical and beautiful laboratory. Listen, I’m all for mysterious guys, but he’s always standing around playing with something just to get me to be like “Oooh, you’re so mysterious and clever! At first it was some potions for your LARPing, and now you’re spinning a basebal!”

Jack calls him out on his bullshit, and there’s actually a great scene coming about. Dogen brings up the various pains that Jack has been responsible for inflicting on others. Dogen just seems to want to guilt-trip Jack, but nevertheless it resonates with him, and compounds the guilt he’s been feeling about failing as a leader, letting people he cares about down, and getting Juliet and Sayid all dead and stuff.

But then? Then the scene’s dialogue turns into something out of one of the putrid Matrix sequels.

Dogen tells Jack that he must give Sayid a pill, and the expository conversation made me want to kill myself:

Jack: Why should I give him this pill?

Dogen: Your friend is sick.

Jack: Huh? Dude just came back from the dead.

Dogen: He is sick.

Jack: Uh, with that?

Dogen: He’s infected.

Jack: With what? Jesus fucking Christ, TELL ME.

Dogen: An infection.

Jack: Let me get this straight, we just wasted the viewer’s time drawing out the idea that Sayid is infected…with an infection? You’re fucking with me, right? This can’t really be the script.

Thematically, the scene doesn’t bother me. It calls on Jack’s concept of noble leadership, and asks him to once again entrust in faith to guide him to the right answer. As we find out though, all it was really guiding him towards was poisoning his friend. I can’t help but think that Dogen the Mystical Asshole is actually correct, but the manner in the plot device is structured is retarded. He has to have Jack take the pill, because the pill will only work if Sayid takes it from him willingly, and only Jack can get him to do that, and uh, and uh, and uh.

The whole “overwrought and painful mystery” device was overdone in 2005. It’s the last season, there’s no need for it.

Brief Aside: There’s no need for Mac to be on LOST. None. I couldn’t stop imagining him doing sweet karate moves and teaching them to the Others. Good thing I have a DVR, because everyone in my room was laughing.

The centerpiece of LA X saw Kate and Claire rocking out in Dimension X. Kate goes from being on the run to sitting in a hospital room with Claire while Ethan assures her that her baby is going to be alright. Again the theme of destiny is brought up, and we’re left to wonder why the two of them are even trusting one another. One moment Kate is holding a gun to Claire’s head, the next moment she’s walking up to the Adopting Family’s house with her. It seems far-fetched at first, until you begin to wonder if there is a residual trust bleeding over from the dimension where Oceanic 815 went down. It’s the only way I can fathom there being any semblance of trust between the Crazy Chick with the Gun and Claire. I may be reaching, but there seem to be distinct moments where Kate searches trying to figure out if she recognizes Claire, only to give up on the thorn in her skull.

Throughout the storyline, they also swing the Destiny Hammer. It strikes anyone with a pulse with an emphatic reverberation, and you’re like “Okay, I get it, it’s destiny.” After all, I mean, what are the chances that the adoptive family doesn’t want to take Aaron, because they broke up? Dur, it’s like Claire was supposed to take care of Aaron! OMFG.

Here’s my problem with them using Claire and Kate as a means to interweave the two realities: I don’t care about either of them. Kate is a whore who is trying to get into Sawyer’s pants moments after his girlfriend died. And Claire? Claire disappeared awhile ago, and I didn’t really care about her then. She was just sort of there. It’s neat to see that these characters have an interwoven destiny no matter if the plane crashes or not, and it’s neat to see that Aaron and Claire were meant to be together, but as far as characters go, it just wasn’t that exciting for me.

Which makes the idea of Claire returning on the Island not that spectacular to me. That said, I am intrigued by the idea of an infection being spread throughout the Island. You got me, writers. Claire looks oh-so very Rousseau wielding her gun and shooting the punks trying to take down Jin. And if you consider the similarities – they’re both women who birthed on the Island, then it gets even more intriguing. Was Rousseau infected as well?

I don’t assume the rest of the episodes are going to be as drawn out and as uneventful as this one, Christ I hope not. I rationalized the first few seasons as laying the groundwork for the fireworks for the rest of the show. Pepsibones brought up that this is one of “those episodes that wouldn’t be so bad if you were watching on DVD”, and I agree. But the problem is that we’re rushing towards a climax at this point, not setting the stage for the series. There’s only a handle of episodes left, and I hate seeing one being wasted without more to show for it.

Here’s to next week.

Renee thinks she’s all edgy because she just cut off some dude’s thumb last episode, but I don’t think she’s very bad ass. I used to like her more when she was a red hot and her thunderous cleavage carried every scene. But now that she’s emo and she listens to H.I.M, I’m not really feeling her.

It’s five episodes in, and the plot is already incomprehensible. Renee and Zia or whatever the fuck the guy’s name are going to meet with some guy to pretend they have some sort of deal. And this guy Vladimir, is who exactly? I have no idea. Vladimir though, that’s an original name. What next, they going to show some Russian dude pounding vodka?

Oh, there we go! Operation: Stereotype is complete!

My girlfriend told me that she thought the bleeding, drunken, thumbless Russian who Renee alludes to banging underage chicks is cute in a dumb goofy sort of way, which explains a lot about why she is attracted to me.

So the two of them are going to Vladimir, the guy, to get something. And whacky thumbless guy makes references towards Vlad doing icky things to Renee in their past or something. Jack looks on brooding and upset. I’m not really sure why though? And you know what’s the source of my confusion?

The fact that every fucking season, there’s a different cast of characters, and there’s absolutely no time to build a rapport with any of them. I don’t give a fuck about Renee.

Oh shit, Jack has a fucking iPad?!

And speaking of characters I don’t give a fuck about, there’s Dana Walsh. Dana Walsh is played by Katee Sackhoff, who dazzled my pants as Starbuck in Battlestar Galactica. Sadly, every time she’s on the screen on 24, I want to kill myself.

Somehow the writers think that the viewer gives a shit about the plight of some new character we’ve just been introduced to. How are we supposed to care about the past of a virgin character, exactly? I want to see Jack shooting people and being gruff! Instead, we’re treated to dozens of seconds which feel like hundreds of hours watching her arguing with her yokel ex-boyfriend. I cannot fathom how anyone in the writers’ meeting thought this was entertaining.

So Starbuck, I mean Dana Walsh, fled her hometown to reinvent herself, and her hick boyfriend found her even though she changed her name. And somehow, she’s supposed to exploit data streams, or something, to get him a “six figure payout”…What the fuck does that even mean? Is this the plot to Superman III?

Why doesn’t she just tell her supercop fiance that her ex-boyfriend is back and acting like an asshole? It seems so obvious. I tried to fly this by my girlfriend and she was all “Oh, like you wouldn’t be upset if I had hidden an entire life from you?” and then I didn’t respond to her valid point.

I’m just saying, if it was between that and being exploited by Cleetus, I’d opt for the former.

All of the subplots suck, which is the problem, well, every god damn season. I don’t care about Dana Walsh, ex-hick, except to poke fun at my significant other who grew up riding a cow to school. I don’t care about President Slumdog Millionaire and his shitty made-up country, and I don’t care about sympathetic Russian terrorist whose brother is dying of uranium poisoning.

Show. Jack. Shooting. People.

And then of course the last ten minutes or so are really tense and enjoyable. Of course. There’s always just enough awesomeness to keep me watching. Because I will always be a glutton for gunshots and car chases. As Jack tries to save Renee, she tells Leoben from Battlestar that she doesn’t care if she lives or not. Seriously, someone has got to take the Deathcab for Cutie away from her and crunch a Prozac into her alcohol of choice. She drops a single tear, and we all wept for her plight.

Thanksfully, Vlad knows a quality set of rib bangers when he seems them, and he lets her live. So they can go do something, to someone, to arrange a buy for something, or the such, which will lead to some sort of information. I think. Who cares. Ideally, it will lead to Jack shooting Vladimir in the head with a shotgun while falling out of a helicopter.